


anamnesis

by TheFamousFireLadyM



Series: Something In Common [3]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Childbirth, Forced Surgery, Headcanon Backstory, Love Triangles, M/M, Male Lactation, Mind Manipulation, Mpreg, Multi, Mutual Non-Con, Nipple Play, Parenthood, Scissoring, Sharing a Bed, Threesome - M/M/M, Trans Character, Unrequited Love, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, all aboard the dumpster fire express to hell, anatomical bullshittery, awful shmoopy garbage, heed the warnings please, its only gonna get worse, seriously very fucked up, stop me before i porn again, that's me kink, vague references to other fanfics of mine, welcome to hell - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-09-20 09:35:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 47,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9485294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFamousFireLadyM/pseuds/TheFamousFireLadyM
Summary: an·am·ne·sisˌanəmˈnēsisnounrecollection, in particular.the remembering of things from a supposed previous existenceNick Valentine is forced to remember and revisit his past in ways more visceral than he ever thought possible.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> well this is happening. time to buckle up. this is gonna be a wild ride. Also a sudden sharp left turn in tone shift from the rest of the series lmfao

" _ Nick _ ." He swiveled. He knew that voice. Nora looked different, cleaner. It was a good look, how she should have looked. The institute issued clothes were the only neat thing in the room. "Sigma Upsilon 10-27-49." The last thing he noticed before he blacked out was the look on her face. She looked guilty, expression giving away her true feelings no matter how she tried to hide it. 

“Subject has been neutralized.” Nora looked to the courser that had come up behind her. “Ready him for transport.” 

* * *

 

  
He woke up, groggy and aching, but otherwise none the worse for wear. He felt as if he had been hit by a shovel, splayed across the dingy mattress he used as a bed. It was a little while before the searing ache between his legs that radiated upward to his stomach caught his attention. Nick clenched his eyes closed, horror struck, before covering his face with his hands. No.  _ No. _ This was not happening. He had hated the body Nora had put him in before but this,  _ this _ was so much worse. A sob managed managed to escape him before he pushed all of those thoughts out of his mind. A dull pang of sick recognition hit him hard, and he felt a wave of nausea at the prospect.  She had somehow put him into the old body Nick had once had, before the bombs, before Jenny, before sweet oblivion had wiped it all away and replaced it with with a sexless  _ cuntless _ robot body. It had been plain enough but it had granted him a body he could have passed in, he  _ had _ passed in. She had given him a taste of it - passing, and being wholeheartedly and decidedly male, and ripped it from him as easily as tearing off a bandage. Of course there the mercenary was, right beside him. Kellogg had slept through it all, somehow managing to remain sleeping even after Nick had cried out. He didn't know whether that was reassuring or not. 

"What kind of synth technology is this that I can get sick?" He closed his eyes. The room was spinning, and he could taste the acid of vomit rising in his mouth. 

"How long has it been then since you've been sick like this then?” Kellogg asked, half asleep still.

"A long long time." 

He remembered - the old Nick threw up after Jenny's funeral but that was centuries ago. He remembered being horribly sick. He remembered being  _ pregnant _ . 

He covered his stomach with his hand, body clenching when he noticed the ongoing pressure that had grown uncomfortable somewhere low in his belly. It ached, and he lifted his shirt to peer below the striped shirttails, half expecting a bruise, or blood pooling, something that would explain the feeling. Instead, a square patch of skin roughly a few inches across stood out red and raw where he had been cut open and the wound had been cauterized. He didn't remember where he had gotten it. That wasn't good. 

He traced the stinging lines, feeling how beneath his skin something swelled, pressing outward. Nick’s eyes squeezed closed and his palm pressed into the swell. He groaned under his breath, the uncomfortable feeling building to a painful cramping sensation. 

Nick turned to look back, letting his shirttail drop, still clutched in one hand, a sliver of skin visible along the slight curve of his stomach. "Did you know about this? Any of this?" 

"Any of what?" Kellogg stepped forward, pulling the edge of his shirt up. A finger trailed up the edge of the slight bulge through the dusting of dark hair that led a line bisecting the swell. He made a sound of recognizable confusion.

Nick shoved him back hard enough to make him stumble when he realized he was touching him like that, in such a tender way, his shirt tearing when Kellogg fell back. "What did they put inside me?" 

"I don't know. A prototype probably. But for what, I don't know." Kellogg had his body against the wall, arms outstretched to catch his fall. "Never seen anything like this before." 

"Do all the cybernetic implants hurt like this?" His belly throbbed, the cramping coiling like red hot tendrils around to his lower back.

"They itch more'n anything." Kellogg's eyes never left his frame. "That's the skin healing over them where the grafts took, though. Never had a real problem like that." He found his footing, and crossed his arms. "Got migraines the first week I had them drill into my skull, but that went away too." 

"This... this isn't anything like a migraine!" Nick sounded hysterical, his hand curled around the abnormal bump like a claw. The throbbing subsided in his belly, the ache starting to travel to his lower back. 

"You're not going to solve anything by panicking." 

"Easy for you to say, you're not the one who woke up like this." Nick dropped into an armchair, head in his hands. The very idea of being opened up by the Institute and experimented on again without any memory of it made bile rise in his gorge, and he swallowed it, the taste lingering in his mouth. He retched, shoulders shaking. “I don’t even know what sort of use this thing is supposed to have.” 

Kellogg wasn’t any good at consoling anyone, but he leaned his hip against the edge of the armchair. “Probably was Nora’s idea. If it were, she wouldn’t want you dead.” 

Nick swallowed, hard. He wasn’t sure if Kellogg was right. It made sense if he was, but that wasn’t something he wanted to chance. 

“Relax.” 

“You're one to talk. You're used to experiments.” Nick stood up, and Kellogg took gentle hold of his wrists. 

“She wouldn't try to hurt you.” 

Nick wasn't too sure about that. But Kellogg was reassuring somehow, his hands dropping Nick's wrists after a moment. He had a palm on the side of Nick's cheek and the detective leaned in, pressing their mouths together. “I'm choosing to trust you on this. Don't make me regret that.”

“Mm, poor decision on your part.” He smirked and pulled Nick in closer, arms twining around his waist. 

Nick backed him to the bed and let Kellogg fall on top of him. He was insatiable for some reason, and Kellogg was all he needed at that point. 

“Aren't all of my decisions poor ones after all?” Nick asked, letting Kellogg get a hand into the front of his trousers and swipe his fingers across Nick's wet slit. It sent a shiver down his spine and a breathless sound escaped him. 

“That good?” Kellogg raised an eyebrow, grinning at him. 

“I don't want you to stop.” Nick responded, breathless and shaking. He hated it, he hated the way Kellogg didn’t even bat an eye at the change, he hated the heat that was coiling in the pit of his stomach at the lightest touch. 

“Want me to fuck you instead?” 

It was just a nod and a whine that Nick managed to convey just how much he needed the merc right then and there.

Kellogg rolled his hips, sinking into him with very little resistance. It sent waves of pain through Nick’s waist, radiating all the way around. He bowed his head, letting out a cry of agony as he rammed into some sensitive engorged part of him head on. There was a jerk of his hips and the agony tore through Nick, the obstruction giving way and he could feel as if the swell of his stomach was jutting at an angle that was intensely painful. His cock thrust in deeper than before and stars exploded behind Nick's eyelids, his body taking one long clench before he came messily all over them both with a cut off gasp. 

Kellogg let out a lasting groan, the corners of his mouth turned up as he came, spilling inside him. The ache lessened as he pulled out, and Nick felt fuller than ever before. The slight swell had changed shape, looking much more round than last time, as if it had started expanding. He rolled over onto his side, hands on his stomach. It still stung, as if something inside had been stretched beyond its limit. 

* * *

 

Hours later, he was still unsure how many, stuck in that moment between sleep and truly being awake, Nick sat up with some difficulty. His stomach had swelled in the night. Where originally there had been one small lump like a tumor beneath his navel, the swelling had spread to the very edge of his pelvis and extended to his rib cage. It didn’t stick out quite as noticeably when he leaned forward, and the pain had lessened. His fingers probed the swell, expecting it to be soft but instead it felt as if his muscles were tensed, flexed. The distended part of his stomach was hard, body taut beneath his skin. He covered his belly with his hand, pressing down against it again. It was uncomfortable, but no longer the agonizing cramping pain it had been in earlier.

For that he was grateful. It was easily something he could hide with clothing. Nick pulled his shirt closer around himself. 

Kellogg still slept beside him, blissfully oblivious. Nick was unsure whether waking him was wise or not. He decided against it, curling up into himself, feeling colder than ever before.


	2. Chapter 2

“This is new.” Kellogg had Nick’s button down shirt hiked up somewhere around the detective’s ribcage, Nick’s knees bent on either side of his waist. His fingertips followed the curve of the detective’s belly down past his open fly and Nick forced his gaze away, face growing hot. “Was this the Institute’s doing?”

“Whatever it is, it’s growing.” He sounded sick to his stomach, and it took all of his willpower not to shudder, skin prickling.  

Nick let out a shaky breath as Kellogg smoothed a palm along the side closest to his hip. “I noticed.”

“Don’t.” He caught Kellogg’s hand, stopping him from running his hand along the gentle curve.

His other hand shot out, cradling Nick’s stomach in both his palms.

He had an inkling as to what it could have been. He’d caught some notes about testing incubation techniques for synths, rendering them genetically dissimilar in such a way that they would be viable to interbreed. Meaning, Kellogg figured, the old boss wanted synths to have different genes so it didn’t make it weird when they fucked.

Nick covered the other hand with his own, pressing down. “I don’t want you to touch me like that.” He leaned back, the muscles in his lower back aching. “If I had my way, I wouldn’t want you to touch me at all.”

“Funny.” Kellogg leaned closer, following after him, and caught Nick’s mouth with his own. He groaned, and reached out to take hold of Kellogg’s shirt, pulling him in closer. “Isn’t that what’s happening right now?”

Nick didn’t answer, body hot and desperate for touch.

“You do want me, don’t you?” He slid a palm down past the open waistband of his pants, and pressed one thick finger into the wet heat waiting between his legs and Nick turned his head away, breathing fast as he let out a soft sound.

“Shit, you’re so wet.” Kellogg’s mouth was on his throat, words rumbling through him. Nick’s knees shook as he started stroking him, each miniscule movement of Kellogg’s finger inside him sending pleasure building through him.

Nick opened his mouth to respond, but all that came out was a soft whine and he grabbed Kellogg’s wrist, moving with each touch of his finger. He turned away, rolling onto his side and Kellogg followed, adding a second finger as he came up behind him. His face turned, pressed against the mattress and Nick wrapped his arms around the rough pillow, squeezing it to his chest. His hips were rocking toward Kellogg’s touch, liquid seeping down between Nick’s legs. He left one hand on his stomach, as he grabbed hold of Kellogg’s shirt again, dragging him closer, before releasing his shirt and working a hand down the front of his pants. Kellogg was hard in his fist and it took seconds for Nick to guide him to thrust right between his legs, and he groaned when Nick released his cock, sinking in between Nick’s thighs.

Kellogg’s fingers slipped free of the wet hole they were fucking, and Nick gasped when he started teasing the sensitive bud between his lower lips. Kellogg’s fingers moved alongside his cock as he ground between Nick’s legs. The detective writhed, gripping his wrist hard enough to hurt. Kellogg pulled him by the hands, letting Nick lie back. His knees were up, legs tight where the slickness glistened.  

Kellogg straddled his thighs, thrusting down between his legs. The friction against his sex was something he was never expecting to feel this good. Nick’s arms coiled around Kellogg’s neck and it was almost too much. Nick’s breath sped up and he moaned out loud, heart beating heavily in his chest as he came.

Kellogg smoothed a hand along the edge of Nick’s cheek, following his expression with his eyes. Nick looked up at him through lowered lashes, still panting. His face was flushed, more so from the way Kellogg was pressing open sloppy kisses to each bared inch of him. Nick’s breath caught in his throat and he caught the back of Kellogg’s head with his hand, holding him to his heated skin as he went lower and lower. Nick’s grip shifted, coming to rest on the top of his head. His lips lingered, hesitating at the beginning swell of his stomach. He tried to twist away, rolling onto his side away from him, but Kellogg took hold of his hips.

“Please, don’t, I…” He sat up on his elbows, looking down at the mercenary. “I hate looking like this.”

“Because of this?” Kellogg pressed a kiss to his stomach. He let his mouth linger, and Nick shifted, clearly uncomfortable.

"It doesn't change who you are."

“It does. I hate it.”

Kellogg bit his lip. “I can't say for certain that my opinion matters, but you're still Nick, aren't you? Nobody can take that from you.”

He fell quiet. Nick knew he was right. It still didn't change how he felt about the rough touch of Kellogg's lips on his stomach, the squirming raw feeling it left in his chest.

* * *

 

Nick cornered him outside, in one of the long winding alleys of Diamond City, abandoned in the late night hours. 

"You knew about this, didn't you?" Nick rounded on him, coat flapping with the movement. Nick's words stung his eyes, and he forced them half closed, a frown forming on his face. "About everything?"

Kellogg's hands twitched at his sides and he took in a deep breath, letting it out slow. "They didn't deign to tell me if that's what you're asking. I'm not big in their circle of trust, Valentine."

"Then how did you know?" Nick stepped closer, hands clenched in fists, rage building. His voice cracked and he took hold of Kellogg's lapel, about to hit him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugged, pressed up against the wall. "Didn't think you'd appreciate being told you're a walking incubation tank."

Nick threw him against the wall. "I could have gotten it out before anything happened! Before anything like this happened!"

Kellogg crumpled a little, and his elbows cracked against the brick wall. "If the Institute did it once, what makes you think they won't keep trying until they get a result they like?"

"Why me, why _us_?" Nick slammed his fist against the wall. His knuckles split easily, blood pooling down his wrist.

"It's not us. It's you, and whichever dumb schmuck decided to fuck you."

Nick's gaze fell leveled at Kellogg's frown. "And that happened to be _you_ , of all the possibilities. And you're telling me they didn't have any hand in that?"

"I don't know."

"You seem not to know a lot of things." Nick fist tightened, knuckles popping with the effort.

"When it comes to the Institute, I don't." Kellogg pulled Nick closer by his coat, their bodies close. "I can't say whether or not they arranged this to happen, but."

"But?" Nick's hands rested on either side of the wall.

"I'm not really that mad."

"Easy for you to say. You're not the one with an eight pound weight in your belly." Nick countered, tilting his head up to meet Kellogg's gaze. He chuckled, low in his throat and Nick shifted, moving closer, a frown still cutting its way across his face. "Eight pounds, huh? Speaking of, how have you been holding up?" Kellogg's palm slid along his side, coming to rest halfway to the underside of his stomach. Nick stiffened, covering his hand with his own uninjured one. He stopped mid word, doubling forward with a gasp. Both hands flew to the swell, cradling his belly as he let out a soft sound of shock. Kellogg's thumb brushed the edge of his stomach, and Nick captured his hand in both his own, flattening it against his abdomen. “I felt it.”

They fell silent, Nick staring down at his bulging belly. "Is there supposed to be something I'm noticing?"

Nick glanced up at him and shifted their hands over with a soft sound. Something gently bumped against Kellogg's palm from under the detective's taut skin, fluttering there beneath the shirt he'd been wearing. He swore loudly, pulling his hand back. "Shit, there really is something in there."

"Clearly." Nick answered, fighting a wave of nausea at the prospect of whatever the Institute decided to engineer making its way out from inside him. Kellogg's hand shifted, he was following the curve with his hand. "Go ahead and feel the thing move. Don't stop on my account." Nick muttered, more embarrassed than angry. His face burned, and he bit a soft cry when the weight inside him changed position following the press of the hands on his abdomen, each little movement felt deep inside as it shifted, pushing outward a little more.

"It’s not a _thing_ -." Kellogg worked a cold hand under the edge of Nick's shirt, palm side down against his stomach. His breath caught somewhere in his chest and Nick fought to inhale around the lump in his throat, struggling to breathe normally, not wanting to alert Kellogg to his emotions.

If he noticed he didn't mention it. An amused half smile curled Kellogg's lips up, one that seemed unguarded, natural.

"Right. I seem to have forgotten it’s a person.” He ground out through his teeth, spitting the sardonic remark. “You're really excited about this, aren't you?" Nick murmured, watching the smile fade as Kellogg met his eyes.

"I don't think it'll kill you to get excited about a new life inside you."

Revulsion passed through him in a wave, leading Nick to shudder. "Unfortunate choice of words." He glanced down at his belly. "Even if it won't kill me, this is something I hoped would never happen."

Kellogg shifted, one foot sliding almost between Nick's feet. "Why?"

"It.. it’s not _natural_ \-- it’s not _right_."

"It's happening anyway." Kellogg pulled him in closer. "All your talk of unnatural things makes me think of those Brotherhood chumps."

Nick put a hand to his shoulder, the other splayed alongside Kellogg's other hand, along the swell. "You of all people should know I never wanted this, that _that’s_ not what I mean. The institute should have known."

"You were available, and you'd done it before."

"Not willingly!" Nick's voice broke and he found it was hard to get the words out.

Kellogg looked at him and for a moment Nick could have sworn there was a flash of some sympathetic expression and then it was gone. Kellogg crushed their mouths together. "This time you're not killing yourself to get away from this."

Nick's mouth remained open, and he licked his lips before responding, voice weak. "This is different."

"Not like last time." Kellogg's voice was in his ear. Nick closed his eyes tight. "I'm not the one forcing you to do this."

He cringed from Kellogg's words, hands itching to punch him. "You might as well be, since you're so happy about this."

“You bet your ass I am.” Kellogg hissed, eyes narrowing, and Nick could feel his hands tightening like steel vices on either side of his hips. “You think I’m just gonna let you throw this away?”


	3. Chapter 3

The first time he felt it really kicking was in his office and hed been looking over some files, one hand holding the folder, the other on his belly. It was a quiet day, and uneventful up until the sharp sensation of movement and then-- Nick cried out, more so in shock than anything else. He dropped the file on his desk, doubled over with a hand splayed along the underside of his swollen belly, the other holding him upright on the desk. The shifting squirming sensation was new, something he'd not encountered yet in this lifetime. Nick held his breath, waiting for another distinct movement. 

A gentle twinge in the pit of his belly, deep inside, escalated into a pang, and it shifted inside him, pushing out against the taut skin for a moment. He bit back a sound of horror, a feeling of panic building in his chest as he watched it press outwards, as if it were too big for its constricting encasement deep inside. There was no escaping this now. 

He felt overfull, the weight pressing insistently on his hips as he curled a hand along the massive swell. 

He locked the door to his office. Ellie was in Goodneighbor for the weekend, and, as much as he appreciated her, he could use some time alone. Kellogg had left for reasons he didn't bother to share beside a gruff muttering of _taking care of loose ends. Got some friends to see._  Although,  _ alone _ didn't count for much anymore since he had a ten pound passenger crammed cramped and uncomfortably trapped inside his womb. Each flurry of movement reminded him of its existence, and he swallowed the fear that boiled up with it. It had to be soon. He wasn't sure if his body could handle any more growth.

Nick draped his coat over the back of his chair and settled in it, easing his shirt open. One palm skated along the curve of his abdomen, movement picking up just below his navel. If he had to guess it felt like a foot pressing out. His fingers tensed along the swell, pausing as he breathed.  

He could feel his body tightening around the weight in his gut, the squeezing pressure as it shifted deep inside its fleshy confines. Nick bit back a cry as he clutched at the swell, feeling how it moved as his womb contracted. This was it.

There was an explosion of light that burned into his retinas when he blinked repeatedly to be able to see again, and there stood Nora. Her gaze was impassive, still like a statue, and Nick knew at once what that meant as she spoke clearly, the phrase she had used once before echoing around them as he slumped forward against his desk, unable to move. 

* * *

He came to in a harshly lit surgical theater, everything sparse and white. He tried to stir, sitting up, but could not. A contraction ripped through him and he realized he had been strapped to a gurney with thick leather belts. 

"Don't give the subject any tranquilizers or anesthesia. I want to see if it’s able to do this on its own." 

Nick recognized that voice that seemed to come from nowhere, or through overhead speakers, spotting Nora looking down at him from behind bulletproof glass above the operating theater. He almost didn't recognize her with the stern look, or the goggles, prepared for an  _ experiment _ . 

He thought he saw Kellogg behind her and the pain was almost drowned out by the burning anger at his betrayal. He tossed his head back, screaming as agony tore through him. 

"Subject has gone through procedure once before, though not in this chassis." Nora's voice continued, and if Nick focused he could see where scientists sat behind bulletproof glass. They were watching him. Nick sobbed, unable to move his arms where they were strapped down. His stomach gave a lurch and he bore down hard, tears streaking down his face as he cried out with the effort.

He wasn't sure if it were minutes or hours later, but he felt two pairs of strong hands lift his shoulders, unclipping the belts holding him in place. He chanced a look at them, hoping Kellogg was one of them, but  only blank white medical masks looked back at him. Nick's hands found a grip, pulling on the straps where they dangled, fingers wrapping tight around the handles on the edges of the gurney. They hauled him forward, and the sound that came from him was a desperate keening, the angle putting immense pressure on his hips. He pushed as hard as he could, breath difficult. He heard screaming and realized it was himself, his voice sounding distant, not even recognising it as his own. 

He could hear one word they kept repeating that struck a cold fear down his spine: breech. 

Everything after was a blur of agony. He remembered it being horrifically silent except for the harsh sounds of his breathing and one of the faceless aides taking the baby away. He faded from consciousness, everything hazy, but he could remember watching Nora approach, a tiny bundle in her arms. 

"Thank you, Nick." She gave him a smile and he stared, blankly. Her smile turned stale quickly, and  it was wiped away just as easily. "Just like the first time." She crossed the small rotunda in a few steps, not even focusing on the blood that remained between his legs, soaked into the pristine white sheets. "I know everything about you, about.. what happened." She sighed. "This is a new chance. For me, and for Shaun. I would never be satisfied with a synth that would never grow old or be able to live the way he deserved." Nora touched his forehead. It was too familiar and Nick's empty stomach churned at the thought. She brushed the graying strands of hair from where they stuck to his sweaty face. His head fell back against the pillow. "And I never could have done it without you. I never would have had a baby without your help." 

Nick breathed hard, struggling not to let tears prick his eyes. "You used me. What next, are you going to shut me down, and turn me into scrap?" 

"Why would we do that when our experiment was such a success?" Nora looked around at the room, at all of the faceless people looking down at them. "We could use you. We could achieve so much for the Commonwealth. Preston didn’t see that, he… didn’t  _ understand _ .” 

“How is this going to help anything?” He said aloud, before one of the blank masked doctors stuck him with a needle. He felt like he couldn’t breathe all of a sudden, everything fading in and out. His sight was whiting out and Nick knew he couldn’t move. 

“I’m not some old time villain, itching to monologue.” Nora responded, expression cold. It was as if he’d never known her at all; this was someone new to him, someone Nick didn’t want to know. “I know you wouldn’t understand.” She crossed the room away from him, focused on the silent doctors behind the glass. “This is our first step toward a peaceful, coexistent Commonwealth, for all of us.” 

He guessed he was lucky he couldn't understand her anymore when her words sounded garbled and his sight looked like wet paint as he faded from consciousness. 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

He wasn't sure how long it had been since he had been in that operating theater, everything was fuzzy and he still felt immensely groggy. In fact, Nick couldn't remember anything that had happened between him waking up in this room and being knocked out in the OR. This troubled him deeply. But Nick guessed it had been at least two months, going by how his body had healed in that span of time his memory had no recollection of. 

He didn't want to believe Nora had kept him drugged for that long, but there was no other explanation. 

The door to the room slid open with a pressurized hiss and he instantly recognized the person standing there. "I don't want you in here." 

Kellogg took a step, then another. "I don't blame you.” He paused, hands curling into fists as he tried to put his thoughts into words, thinking of the best way to put it. “The bitch wanted me to watch. Said it would be good to learn my actions have consequences. Like I don't fucking know that already." 

Nick turned to face the wall, not looking at him. "What does she expect me to do, just allow her to keep me here?" 

Kellogg took a seat at the edge of his bed, not looking his way. "You can't just escape. There’s no real way out of here." 

Nick glanced his way, before closing his eyes, the words tumbling from his lips. He was dying to know. "What's he like? She named him Shaun again, didn't she?" 

Kellogg didn't answer. 

"...The first Shaun is dead?" 

"The old man? He kicked the bucket months ago. While you were out.” 

Nick took a breath and held it. So he  _ had _ been drugged for months.  How long had Nora been planning this? "Who does he look like?" 

He didn't answer that either, taking a soft breath and letting it out slowly. "She didn't let me see him." 

Nick's mouth curled in dismay and he kept those thoughts to himself. "He wasn't yours." 

"The brat wasn't  _ yours _ either." He retorted, and Nick stiffened in his bed. 

"I have more claim to him than you do. Shaun was mine to lose all those years ago."

Kellogg fixed him with a pained look. "Not anymore."

Nick didn't deign that with a response, following the line of the iv in his arm with his gaze. "Who knows what they're pumping me full of." 

Kellogg came up behind him, sweeping an arm around him. For once, Nick allowed it. He hadn't seen another living thing in as long as they kept him in the enclosed room. Weeks, or months even. He turned, face to face with the monster that got him into this. Kellogg looked worse than he'd ever seen him, the white Institute uniform something he'd never seen him in. Nick's fingers touched his cheek, noting how drawn he looked. Kellogg took his hand in his own, before kissing him. Nick let it go, pulling the mercenary close, as their mouths met, a heat building between them as if they were aflame. Kellogg pulled back first, surprise evident on his face. Nick was flushed, body eager for his touch. "Please give it to me this time." 

Kellogg kissed him again, and it was slow and burned him through and through. His hands came to rest at Kellogg's shoulders and he let his legs spread. "Don't let her know." 

"Babe, I'm in the business of hiding things in plain sight." Kellogg spoke as he noticed Nick draping the thick blanket around his hips, before he worked a finger into Nick's waiting cunt. He all but melted against him, mouth meeting Kellogg's again and again, letting him plunder his mouth, as if too tired, too weak, to do anything else. 

He arched up, letting Kellogg undo his fly and sink into him easily. He rolled his hips, the feeling of sliding home in the sweet center of Nick's sex so absolutely perfect.

He groaned, taking hold of Kellogg's back. "I think its progesterone or something, and estrogen they’re pumping into me, and tranquilizers I think. The aides come in whenever I’m sleeping and change out the IVs, I think. I can never tell what’s in them, but I know they want me to stay in bed." 

Kellogg groaned in his ear. "They're trying to get you pregnant again." 

Nick whined, body on the edge even now as he was still so sensitive. "You're part of their plan." 

Kellogg didn't know how to respond after that revelation. "I'm not part of anyone's plan but my own. And right now I  _ want _ to fuck you in this hospital bed." 

"Well, wish granted." Nick answered, voice catching in his throat. His hips moved as Kellogg thrust, body being pushed up toward the head of the bed. He took hold of the handles above his head, gripping it to make sure he stayed close. 

He groaned under his breath, body working against him. He knew somewhere deep down, this was Nora's plan, and he couldn't bring himself to care. Kellogg was right. There wasn't a way out of here short of the institute shutting him down and shipping him off to whatever passed for the dump. 

His back arched, and the sound that burst from his lips was a pleasured cry. He wasn't looking at Kellogg, instead staring at the upper left hand corner of the room, where a camera was wired up. He closed his eyes, forcing his thoughts elsewhere. Nick wrapped his arms around Kellogg's neck, his face flush against the crook of his neck. The smell of him was sanitized, lessened by what he knew was multiple decontaminating showers and the scrubbed away stink of the open wasteland over their heads. 

"You don't want to give her the satisfaction of taking away another baby." Kellogg hissed in his ear. "I'm pulling out. The bitch can choke on it."

Nick didn't answer. 

"That's what you want, isn't it?" 

His eyes met Kellogg's and he swallowed. "What I want is to be let out of here." 

"Look, pal. I'm stuck in here with you, for better or for worse." 

Nick despised that analogy, the turn of phrase too much bullshit than he was willing to put up with today. 

"Then in that case,  _ yes _ . I don't want another baby." 

* * *

 

 

The first time he was allowed to leave the claustrophobic little room, two synth guards had guns trained on his back. It was something he knew Nora would do, somehow knowing the guards wouldn't gun him down if he attempted escape. He didn't know, however, whether or not he would be waking up in pieces if he tried. That was what scared him into complying. Nick was brought before Nora, and she looked so much more weary than he'd ever seen her. 

"Are you happy here?" She asked, tone conversational, as if she hadn't kept him captive for an endless stretch of time. He would never age, so time lost all meaning when he was sealed inside the chamber. "I can get you some holotapes if you're bored. Books, even. The good pre-war ones." 

Nick's gaze evened, lighting upon her friendly visage. "Why are you doing this?" 

She frowned, and Nick feared for himself in that instant. "I want you to be comfortable. You have your mercenary lapdog, attuned to your will."

Nick colored. "He's not  _ my _ anything--"

"He's been conditioned to want you more than anything else. You've done a good enough job ensuring he gets it. Why do you think he keeps fucking you? Because he  _ loves _ you?" Her voice rose an octave, her nostrils flaring in a hot anger. "We can manufacture love. It's just a matter of the right hormones, triggering a reaction." 

He must have reacted subconsciously, face twisting, because Nora snapped: "Do  _ you _ love him? Or do you just think you do?" 

"What?" He could only get out that word, gold gaze catching her brown eyes. 

"Don't play dumb. We have cameras." 

"I noticed." His reply was blunt. "Having fun spying on me?" 

"Nick, honey," He cringed at the saccharine tone she was using with him, like he was a child. "It's not spying. I want you to be comfortable here." 

Nick's shoulders sagged. "Can you get me a radio?" 

He barely picked up any station beside classical, the familiar sound of Diamond City radio barely coming through all the static. It made him homesick, feeling as if there was a steel vice around his heart. 

The wire had to be piped in from outside, or else there wouldn't have been a signal. 

He was sure Nora would catch on to his idea but she must have been too wrapped up in her plot for domination of the commonwealth to notice. He gave her no reason to suspect, even going so far as to play nice with all the little scientists now that he had free reign to wander the halls. With enough pilfered spare items and some outside help from Kellogg, whom Nick was sure was fighting his indoctrination, he managed to get a two way radio going. It piggybacked a signal from the classical station, but Nick had been trying to expand the range to get it far enough to get picked up by Diamond City Radio. Sympathetic hands boosted the signal onward, and Nick was sure there was someone down there with him who wanted to help him. 

The weak sound of Travis' voice strained through his speakers. It was enough to hear it, but still not strong enough to cut into the program and broadcast a plea for help. 

He spent every night with Kellogg, somehow at home in his embrace. Their meager attempts at contraception were working so far and Nora was none the wiser. It was finally time to make an attempt at communication. He didn't know whether it would even work but he didn't care anymore. 

"If you can hear this, this is Nick Valentine and I have been captured by The Institute. I know there are some of you still out there that could stand a chance of standing up to them once and for all. Please, don't give up. Ellie, if you're listening, I--"

There were synth guards at his door, silent as the grave as they approached. They tore him from the radio, ripping the receiver from his hand before crushing the entire box. He was dragged away, fighting weakly back, as he was brought down hallway after hallway to Nora. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: rape  
> seriously guys please be safe. Skip this chapter if you are sensitive to topics like this.

Hancock had an elbow up on the table, fingers fiddling with a half used hit of jet, an old beat up radio beside him. Between verses of Magnolia's sweet crooning, something distinctly  _ new _ erupted from his speakers. 

" ** _Bzzzt_** \--Is Nick Valentine and I have been captured by the Institute." 

He was definitely listening now, head tilted. Word on the street was the sole survivor took over the Institute. He still felt a burning anger at her, despite the jet slugging through his system. She took down Fahrenheit, his best lieutenant, like it was nothing and went out of her way to make him dislike her it seemed. Nick Valentine; that was the old detective Nora had traveled with. He listened, and the more he listened, the more he felt like he had a job to do.

Travis' voice was shaky as it flowed, tinny, from the beat up set of speakers that were a sorry excuse for Ellie's radio. "Well, that was -- that was, uh, some kind of transmission that, I guess, came from the Institute. It wasn't me." She strained her ears, hoping for another interruption, anything to prove Nick was okay. Especially how the interruption ended. With a shout she recognized as Nick's and then static again.

Nora was fuming. He'd never seen her this upset, two livid spots of color on her wan cheeks as she paced her office in front of him. Nick was on his knees, arms held behind his back. He was sure his wrists were duct taped together by that military grade duct tape. A synth guard was on either side of him, guns pointed at his head. 

"You should have been happy here. You  _ could _ have been!" 

Nick refused to open his mouth, gold eyes following Nora's path. 

"And you still haven't been made useful again. Up the hormone dosage." She added, and a scientist went to take care of it. His veins felt like they were on fire as the iv drip in his arm was filled with whatever was in the drug cocktail Nora was giving him. 

The door slid open again and Kellogg stood. He looked to Nick and the detective let his gaze avoid looking to him. 

"You're going to fuck him and I'm going to make sure everything is going right." Nora stated, matter of factly, chin pointing Nick's direction.

The detective flushed, body hot from whatever it was that was being pumped into his bloodstream. 

"And if I refuse?" Kellogg crossed his arms over his chest. 

"We'll take you apart piece by piece until we have what we need and we knock up your precious detective with whatever is left." She threatened, and the synths on either side of him shoved Kellogg to his knees. "The first option is much more pleasant for everyone involved.  _ I strongly suggest you go with that one." _

When Kellogg took hold of his hips, he bent his head forward close to Nick's ear. "I'm sorry. You know I don't have a choice."

Nick didn’t answer, head bowed, hands clenched into fists. A breath escaped his lips as Kellogg sank into him, one that sounded like a sob. He moved with him, face pressed to the cool tile. His arms were held to the ground beside his head, so the iv didn’t snag, cold metal hands pressing his wrists to the floor. His skin was hot to the touch, and sticky when Kellogg pressed his mouth to the nape of Nick’s neck. He shivered, breath picking up when Kellogg groaned against his back. He swallowed around the lump in his throat, willing his breathing to sound more normal as the skinless synths holding him down turned him over, lifting his legs up. Nick forced himself to turn away; he didn’t want Kellogg to see his face like this. 

His breathing grew pained, and Kellogg found his gaze. He held it for a moment, gold eyes filling as he closed his eyes, a tear squeezing out and rolling down across his face. Kellogg’s hand crept up his throat, coming to rest just under his chin. He lifted Nick’s face, bringing Nick’s mouth toward his own. That was too much. Nick sobbed into his mouth, breaking down right there. He reached down with his other hand, stroking him slow with his finger. Nick was trembling, surging toward him, eager to deepen the kiss if it meant getting his mind off of everything. Kellogg was so close, Nick could feel it in the way his hips stuttered as they pistoned. A heat was building in the pit of his stomach, and he knew his face burned the way the rest of his body did. Nick broke the kiss first, panting desperately for air as he arched up, body reacting despite himself. A sharp cry drew forth from his lips and he came, his orgasm thundering through him. 

Nick turned onto his side, breathing hard as Kellogg came up behind him. He winced, feeling wet between his legs and the synths took hold of his ankle, bending his leg at the knee. He couldn’t bear to look at them, eyes closed as Kellogg thrust into him again, going slow. It was so hot it burned, filling him, and Nick’s mouth fell open. He felt eyes on him and was reluctant to open his. He locked eyes with Nora, and knew at once she would never be satisfied until he hurt. His voice broke when he cried out, holding the sole survivor’s gaze as he was thoroughly pounded into the tile. At that point, he knew he would stop Nora or die trying. He promised. He owed it to himself, to Ellie, to whatever miniscule life decided to bloom inside him again. 

Kellogg pressed closer, mouth on his pulse point. His fingers teased at Nick’s chest and a choked sound came from the detective’s lips, before he bowed his head, unable to hold her gaze any longer. Everything hurt, and he had to have blacked out, because when he woke it was to silence and dark quarters that he found to be unfamiliar. He was naked, head still fuzzy and his lower belly ached something awful. He let his hand drop to the top of his hips, feeling nothing out of the ordinary.  He realized then that  _ ordinary _ was subjective, that nothing was ordinary anymore. It took him a moment, but he noticed the IV was gone, a faded red pinprick all that was left of it. Nick’s head fell back against the pillow, and a sigh escaped him. He was unsure whether this was a good or bad sign. 

Nick curled in on himself, bringing his knees up closer to his chest. He had never felt so alone. There were bruises on his legs, long thin fingers that matched the pen nib thin hands of the synths. Something about the entire thing was so painfully familiar. It hurt his head to think about, and he was sure the old Nick would know instantly. Flashes of Jenny’s funeral, flashes of being held down and a tearing pain between his legs. Tears sprung to his eyes, and he covered his face with his hands. 

Nick’s eyes settled shut and he tried to fall asleep. 

 

* * *

 

It was in silence that he woke. The lighting was dim, and he guessed it was set to motion activate. Nick sat up, the warm blanket falling around his waist. He couldn't recall covering himself with the blanket either. His chest hurt for some unforeseen reason and, as he turned, he realized he wasn’t quite as alone as he thought. Nick let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and fell back against the bed. Kellogg stiffly stirred, turning to face him. He was still asleep. That was good. Nick was disgusted by how easily they fell into this domestic little facade, he was disgusted by how relieved he was that he wasn’t alone. Kellogg had to have come in while he was sleeping. He was unsure whether the swooping feeling in his chest when he looked down at Kellogg was gladness or horror. 

Nick fell silent, regulating his breathing. He cast his gaze about the room. It wasn’t his old chambers, he knew that. They moved him elsewhere, and somehow this was more panic inducing than anything else. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed, and found his footing. The floor was cold beneath his bare feet, but he padded toward the door. He didn’t expect it to open. 

The detective’s hand dropped from the handle, where it remained stationary. Behind him he could hear Kellogg rousing, and he was hoping he wouldn’t have to face him. 

His gravelly voice was hoarser than Nick was expecting, dry and coarser than usual. “Hey.” 

Nick cocked his head away, his gaze lowered to the floor. “The door is locked.” 

“I know. This is my room.” 

He spun around to face him, back against the door. “Why did you bring me in here?” 

“It was the boss lady’s idea. You know how she is. It locks from the inside, this one. Nobody's getting in here unless I let them in.” 

Nick stiffened, words coming out like they hurt. “Did she give you a recall code?” 

“What?” 

He opened his mouth to speak, but seemed to rethink his words and closed it again. “Nevermind.” 


	6. Chapter 6

“You knew her, right?” Hancock looked him over. Garvey stood stock still, watching the street from the shadow of the garage.

The corners of his mouth twitched down, and Preston lifted his hat to scratch at his scalp. “You could call it that. Didn’t know her as much as I thought I did.” He sounded exhausted, physically and mentally. “You think you know somebody and they go and break your heart.”

“Them’s the breaks, brother.” Hancock answered uneasily, and cast a look at him over his shoulder, his hands slipping into his pockets. “Wasn’t a big fan of her, but Nick’s a good guy. I probably owe him one.”

“I’m not doing this for him.” He spoke, deliberate in his wording. He knew how Nick looked at Nora, his gaze lingering just a hair too long down her curves whenever she brought him around. “I just want to know why,” Preston pressed his lips together tight, his frown deepening. “I thought Nora was a good person, and I guess I was wrong.”

Hancock was quiet. “Don’t blame yourself, you know.”

Preston looked at him, as if actually seeing him for the first time. He couldn’t help but feel guilty. He misjudged her and look where that got him. Hancock couldn't help but wonder what his motives were. 

* * *

 

The synths were silent sentinels when they came to his door. Nick knew by now this meant one of two  things: something had upset Nora; or, it was time to check him like some kind  of breeding stock cattle. He let them lead him to a new room, one that smelled faintly of sanitizer and under that, blood. 

There was a chair, padded with cracking red leather, and he took a sharp breath when he noticed the stirrups. 

The guards, still so quiet, guided him to sit. They lingered for a moment at his sides before they secured his ankles up onto the stirrups, separating his legs. Nick hissed, feeling particularly exposed despite being clothed, his pants worn, shirt shoved up toward his chest. He heard the snap of a rubber glove being pulled taut, the sound mocking him. The sound of boots lightly stepping his way led him to look toward the far door across from where his captors stood, blocking the exit. 

He grit his teeth. The syringe Nora had prepared was inordinately large and glinted ominously in the clean fluorescent lights on the side table next to him. "Last time we did this you were unconscious. I wonder how you'd like it now." 

He swallowed hard, noting there was a sonogram machine. Nora caught him looking, and grinned viciously as she pulled the wand free from its cradle. "Just as eager to see it as I am?" 

Nick didn't answer; he knew Nora's temper had a hair trigger. She flicked it on and cast a look down the length of Nick's body, before inching closer. He gasped when the cold lubricant hit his fevered skin, and Nora wasted no time with getting him comfortable before plunging on with the ultrasound. When Nick caught a glimpse of the image of the thing that tumbled without cease in his belly, he held his breath, expression pinched. Nora drew closer with a breathless sound of glee, fascinated by the way it stirred on the screen. She gestured for one of the synths to press the needle into Nick's abdomen. He clenched his teeth, crying out in pain as they extracted some fluid from inside him. The needle left a leaking pin prick as it was drawn away from him. She took the needle and crossed the room to a large monitor and a centrifuge, before setting the body of the syringe into the machine. With a few masterful button presses she had it up and running. It chugged along for a few seconds until it stopped, presumably after it had finished analyzing the sample.

Nora studied the screen, reading the results as the computer analyzed the cultured cells that had come from Nick. 

"Higher chance of genetic imperfections due to radiation exposure, but readings state it’s healthy so far.” Her eyes scanned down the list of the results, stopping near the bottom. Nora bristled at the words, fingers curling into painful fists on the keyboard. “It's a girl." She threw the needle at him in disgust, and he recoiled, splattered with fluid. "Was hoping for another perfect little Shaun." She glanced over her shoulder at him, and a shudder passed through Nick as she regarded him coldly, as one would to an inanimate object to be used and discarded. "We could always try again."

He cringed at how thoughtlessly she considered extinguishing the life inside him, but still he knew he didn't want to be some kind of breeding stock. "Get this one out of me first."

"You're not in a position to order me around!" She bellowed, backhanding him hard enough he would have fallen if he wasn't strapped down. Nick couldn't bring himself to look at her again. 

"Get him out of here. I hate looking at him." She was tearing her gloves off, throwing them at her loyal synths. He was unbuckled from his restraints, and when Nick discovered his knees wobbled, he leaned against one of the voiceless guards. It didn’t voice any protests. Nick wasn’t sure if it were capable of speech. He could taste blood in his mouth and his hands coiled around the barely noticeable swell. It was a girl.

A profound hatred welled up inside him at Nora, and he bit into his cheek hard enough to bleed to keep from speaking the bitter words that lingered on his tongue. For the first time in a long time, he considered fighting back, and hoped that he would be able to stop her before the other synths killed him. Nick knew the thing growing inside him didn’t deserve whatever the sole survivor had planned for it, and a quick merciful death was better than having to live through Nora’s torment. He slowed his walking, before being prodded forward by the silent synth behind him. 

The door slid open with a soft whoosh, and Nick was bade to enter his, no, not his,  _ Kellogg's _ quarters, again. The room was dark, lights dimmed. He took a step, before the door closed behind him, locking loudly. Nick fell to his knees, unable to stand for much longer, stomach aching. He hated Nora, he hated Kellogg, he hated himself for allowing this to happen, for allowing himself to get caught like this. A sob bubbled up from his lungs and he covered his mouth, preventing the sound from escaping. He bowed his head, unable to contain his emotion any longer as the muffled sound came from behind his hand. Nick’s shoulders shook and he wished more than anything else at that moment that he was dead. 

A pair of arms lifted him, catching under his knees and behind his back. He didn’t even hear the door open. Nick’s breathing slowed, still unsteady, until he felt the soft mattress at his back. The pair of strong arms arranged him onto his side, facing away from the door. Nick didn’t open his eyes, breathing still coming in hard, like he was trying to hold it all in. A familiar weight settled beside him on the mattress and Nick hesitantly opened his eyes. The room was dark but he could still make out the shape of Kellogg’s face. 

“Did she hurt you?” The concern in Kellogg’s voice made bile rise in his throat, and his stomach lurched. When it came down to it, there wasn’t a difference between simulating love and truly experiencing it, and that somehow hurt more than anything else. He couldn’t even trust his own feelings anymore, not when he knew it was possible Nora had conditioned him too. 

Nick sighed, feeling where the mercenary’s fingers traced his bloody lip. His eyes closed again, and he felt Kellogg’s hand at his side. He curled in on himself, and Kellogg took in a breath, about to speak. Nick recoiled, ready for whatever he was about to say. 

“One of these days I’m going to kill her.” He edged his hand closer to Nick’s mouth, wiping away the dried blood where it remained in the corner of his cracked lip. “I’m gonna kill her, and I don’t even care if it means I have to die too. Even if it means I’ll be stuck here forever.” 

Nick was quiet, listening to him. Kellogg paused, looking down at the detective’s body, tugging him closer. He eased Nick against him, legs brushing against each others. It felt intimate, more so than if it were simply sex, and something in Nick’s chest felt as if it were tearing. 

Kellogg was all he had, and he knew the mercenary didn’t truly feel anything. It was entirely a charade, because Nora knew somehow that Nick would stay as long as he had someone, even if it were the man he hated almost as much as he hated Nora. Even if it meant pumping some false chemical into him to make him love, even if it was all pretend. Kellogg lifted Nick’s chin, and Nick fought to avert his gold gaze. 

“She’s going to punish you, I think.” Nick licked his lips, tongue still tasting the copper in his mouth. “As if we have any choice in the matter.” 

Kellogg didn’t respond, searching his expression. He wore a worried look and Nick all at once felt an upwelling of pain at the way the mercenary looked at him. He held his breath and Nick spoke again, the words sticking in his mouth. “She’s disappointed.” 

“Let her be.” Kellogg ground out through his teeth at once, grip tightening at his narrow hips, making Nick’s heart give a lurch, “She deserves far worse.” His leg pressed between Nick’s thighs and Nick cringed, his own legs closing around the intrusion. “I wish I could see her face once we get out of here. I wanna see what she looks like when I put a bullet between her eyes.” 

Nick paused, eyes settling closed. His chest burned, an ache building right between his lungs. “If you had the chance to, would you want to regain whatever small semblance of the family you once had?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“It’s a girl.” 

The look on his face faded quickly, replaced with a cold confusion, and then anger. His gaze burned through Nick with an intensity that almost hurt. “Are you asking me if I would be willing to replace Mary the way that bitch replaced Shaun?”

Nick didn’t answer, awaiting his response.

“Do you take me for someone worse than Nora?” 

“I don’t know.” He let the words come, “Do you want me to?” 

Kellogg let out a breath Nick didn’t realize he was holding. It was strange, being so close to someone he didn’t want anything to do with. “No.” 

“You’d be a better father than I ever could be.” 

“That’s laughable.” Kellogg answered, and Nick’s stomach tightened at how callously he responded. “At least your kid had a long life.” 

“I didn’t raise him.” 

“No, you didn’t.” Kellogg looked him over, and Nick found himself meeting his eyes. “That job fell to a bunch of stuck up assholes too smart for their own damn good.” 

He was quiet for a moment, and Kellogg took a breath before continuing: “Didn’t bother telling him about the surface more than necessary, and you know whose job that ended up being?” 

“Yours?” He hazarded a guess, and Kellogg cracked a half hearted smirk, before it faded just as quickly. “I take it Nora doesn't know." 

"She doesn't  _ need _ to know how Shaun grew up." Kellogg answered, and Nick's lip curled. "Doesn't concern her that her baby's first time was with me. That every time he had a moment’s respite he sought me out to relieve some  _ tension. _ " 

He took a  breath. "You were...  _ involved _ with Shaun."

“You  _ dealt with _ him and now what, since he’s dead you want the original thing?” Nick was disgusted. With a lurch, he wondered if Kellogg was so easily swayed because of that. 

He was quiet, mouth pinched closed. "Sometimes I look at you and can see where Shaun got it from." That was when it clicked. That  _ friend _ Kellogg had talked about. Nick made a sound of disgust, horror making itself known like ice water through his veins. 

"You loved him." 

"In a way, I guess I did. Toward the end he just - stopped everything." Kellogg sat up on the edge of the bed, feet planted solidly on the floor. 

"Why are you telling me this?" Nick's vision was watery and he pulled the pillow over his face. His next words were muffled. "I never wanted to see him, never wanted to  _ know _ how he grew up." 

"He was happy, if that matters. For a while at least. He always yearned for more. Was never satisfied," he chuckled, shaking his head. "If he had a normal life, I think he would have been happier."

"If you never took him, you mean." Nick added, turning his head beneath the pillow.

"Can't take it back now." He  didn't sound defensive - quite the opposite. "Never would have met him that way."

"Didn't that bother you, that you took him as a baby." 

"'Course it got to me. I watched the old man grow up. Got to him worse, I think. Started out as a yelling match when he first found out, and then he got quiet. That's how Shaun was when he got angry, silent as the grave. And I remember he looked at me for the longest time, and then just flat out told me he hated me. Don't think he ever forgave me for that. Don't think I deserve it." 

Kellogg reached out with trembling hands and brushed Nick's stomach with the tips of his fingers. The  detective froze in place, hand up and over the merc's own hand, stopping him. "Don't." He breathed, pulling Kellogg's hand away. "If you get out, promise you'll take her out of here." 

" _ Her _ ?" Kellogg spoke with some hesitation. 

He looked down, releasing Kellogg's hand only to cover his stomach with his own. "You want to get back at Nora, don't you?"

“And leave you here alone? I don’t think so.” 

Nick tensed, eyes falling closed. “There’s nothing that will stop her. It won’t end until I’m dead.” 

“No.  _ No. _ ” He repeated the word in an emphatic whisper, the pain in Kellogg’s voice making Nick’s throat ache, breathing stifled. “I can’t lose you. I’m not losing you too.” 

“You never had me to begin with!” Nick’s eyes snapped open, and he found himself face to face with the mercenary. “I never wanted this, and I know the only thing keeping you here with me is Nora.” 

 "That isn't true." Kellogg managed to speak, words coming with some difficulty. He glanced toward Nick, not looking directly at him. "I... listen, Nick.."  

He took a breath, steadying himself. "I can't listen to you lie like this. Even if you're.. not aware you're lying.."

Kellogg stopped, lifting Nick's chin. The detective focused his gold eyes on him, a hurt look making itself known. 

“You  _ love _ me?” He fell to his knees, covering his head as he curled into a ball. “No, no, don’t say that, because you don’t. If this never happened, if  _ Nora _ never did any of this, you wouldn’t be saying that.” His shoulders shook, body wracked with ragged breaths. 

“If Nora never did any of this, I’d be rotting in some shitty ruin halfway across the commonwealth.” Kellogg answered brusquely, reaching out to touch Nick’s back, but pulling his hand away at the last second. The detective pulled away, feeling the presence close to him. He fell quiet, trembling slowing down now at Kellogg’s words. 

“I wish you were.” 

Kellogg glanced aside, mouth curling into a frown. “Me too.” 

Nick reacted, a soft noise of disgust bursting from his lips. 

"Do you think I like seeing you like this? This is  _ my _ fault just as much as Nora's."

Nick felt sick to his stomach; "is that you talking or your  _ conditioning _ ?" 

He searched Nick's face, confusion growing. "What the hell are you talking about?" 

He held his tongue, the urge to tell him getting stronger. "When you look at me, what do you feel?"

"What does that matter?" Kellogg looked him up and down. He let his hand come to rest at the small of Nick's back. 

The detective didn't react. voice hollow. "It doesn't. You're going to keep this up until one of us dies. Again." 

The mercenary stared, mouth a grim line. "Like Hell I'd let her do that to you." 

Nick let out a full body shudder, his eyes falling closed as he drew out a sigh. 

“She got her Shaun. She's satisfied. I know, I've seen it.”

Nick started, then turned to look at him.

“You lied to me. You said she didn’t let you see him.” 

“If you knew I’d seen him how do you think you would react? You sure as hell wouldn’t be  _ happy.  _ I don’t blame her for doing it. You can’t blame me for keeping it secret.” 

Nick’s hands clenched into fists, arms tight around his middle. “I can’t blame you? Do you hear yourself?” 

“I know what I’m saying. He’s getting so big. I wish she could let you see him.” 

“I never want to see him!” Nick spit, voice raising. “Oh, if I could, I'd never want to see you again either.” He was feeling betrayed, and horrified and sick in one fell swoop. Nick's expression crumpled and he covered his face with his hands. 

“Nick, wait…” 

He didn't answer. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

"Still have the coordinates from our mutual friend's first little romp." Sturges patted the massive computer, hand cocked at his side. 

"So you could get us inside?" Preston looked solid, voice still commanding, but the expression he wore gave it away. 

"All this work just to get in." Hancock muttered, "Goddamn, Garvey, you must really hate Nora to be doing this." 

"I don't hate her." It was a plaintive sigh that accompanied his words, and John just  _ knew _ . 

"Maybe you should. She broke your heart, didn't she?"

"Well, brother, it’s now or never." Hancock gave him what he hoped was a reassuring look and stepped into the teleporter.

* * *

 

The flash of bright light burned into his eyes when they teleported directly into the Institute. Hancock patted Preston's shoulder and gave him a quick nod before splitting up and going down a separate hallway, further into the Institute, directly into the heart of it. 

Garvey found his way to the Director's office. There were no guards to be seen. That thought alone sent a shiver down his spine as the door to the director's office slid open with a clinical hiss.

"Preston." Nora met him face to face. "I wasn't expecting you here." 

"What is that?!" He  asked, voice catching, when he noticed the baby in her arms.

The corners of her lips curled up in a smile, like she was thinking about a private joke. "His name's Shaun." 

Preston frowned. "I thought Shaun was much older." 

"Mmhm." Her voice was soft. "This little guy is brand new." 

His heart sank. "You had another baby and named him Shaun." He paused. "Who's his dad?" 

Nora's smile spread wider. "I was wondering when you'd ask." 

Preston opened his mouth to ask another question, but was interrupted.

There was a shout from one of the monitors in front of him, and both Garvey and Nora turned toward it. Hancock was kicking down a locked door, making good headway, when he was jumped by a few of the gen1s that looked almost stripped for parts.  

"Didn't think you were the type to team up like that. Guess you didn't learn your lesson the first time." 

"Don't kill him!" Preston insisted, eyes wide. 

"Got a soft spot for the mayor?" She asked, tapping her lip with her long fingernail. "I could use this."

"What are you talking about?" He had a horrible sinking feeling about her words. 

"Let him finish." She spoke clearly into a microphone, and the gen1s deactivated, falling like corpses over each other. Hancock looked around, searching for a way to respond to Nora's voice booming over the intercom. He settled for the camera; flipping her the bird and mouthing something obscene and then crushing the camera lens with the butt end of a laser rifle, cutting off her line of sight for the corridor. With a tight lipped look she simply switched to another camera angle and Preston felt sick upon realizing _how comprehensive_  the security was. 

This camera was located in a dark corner of a dark room. Preston could see something unmoving on what looked like a bed on the far left across from the camera. The doors slid open slowly, like the ghoul had broken the mechanism by kicking it. There was a delayed click and then the fluorescent lights turned on with a sickening hum.

* * *

 

It was with a jolt Hancock recognized Nick as he stood, barefoot, in what looked like pre-war scrubs, before him. 

"Shit,  _ Valentine _ ?" John looked him up and down. "What did she  _ do _ to you?" 

Nick blinked in the sudden light and sucked in a breath, unable to believe that his radio plan  _ had _ worked, unable to believe that the ghoul in front of him fought his way through who knows how many synths to find him. 

"John.. We need to get out of here." 

"Yeah, I know that." He watched Nick clutch at his stomach, before turning back toward the open door. "Think you can make it out of here? Can you walk?" 

Nick nodded once, clearing his throat, voice sounding unused, rusty. "I can certainly try." 

"Then let's go." He looped Nick's arm over his shoulder, helping him walk. 

"You're not here alone, I hope." Nick swallowed hard, managing to speak. 

"Nah, it’s me and Garvey. He's taking care of the crazy lady who locked you up. You can thank Ellie for managing to pull this whole rescue together, too.” 

"Was that supposed to be reassuring?" Nick muttered. 

"He's a good guy, he can keep up with the big guns." 

Preston gaped, staring at the screen. "What did you do to him?" 

"Reengineered his old body from our records." She gave him a coy look and let him watch Nick and Hancock walk down the hall. 

Preston held his breath, turning slightly to watch Nora from the corner of his eye. "Nick's the child's father, isn't he...?" 

"Something like that." 

Nick was leaning his shoulder against the wall as Hancock loaded his gun. "It's too quiet. Why isn't anyone stopping us?" 

"They turned tail and ran at the sight of us, probably." Hancock glanced behind them. "That or its..." He turned to look at the camera that swiveled to follow them and pulled the trigger, blasting it off the wall. 

Nick winced, holding onto his stomach. 

"You okay? What did she do to you, anyway?" 

Nick cast a look his way, looking wan. "I'll tell you when we get out of here." 

"I’d like to know if you're rigged to explode or not, Nick." 

He let out a mirthless laugh that sounded foreign to his ears. "It's something worse."

“Something worse than a bomb?” Hancock was taking his arm again, helping him walk down the halls. There was the sneaking feeling that somehow even if this plan worked out, even if they managed to get out of there alive, Nick knew, Nora would still have a hold on him. 

“I said I’ll tell you when we get out of here, but no. You don’t have to worry about something like that.” Nick managed to speak after a long bout of silence, “I take it you found a way out?” 

“Garvey’s figuring it out.” 

Nick paled, and turned his head away. “Of course.” 

He knew they were leaving Kellogg behind, and a larger part of him than he was expecting  _ ached _ at that realization. His free hand dropped from where it was splayed on the wall beside him, before curling around the gentle almost unnoticeable swell. Hancock caught him in the act, before swearing loudly as it dawned on him. "Holy shit. Holy  _ shit _ .” 

“ _ Don’t _ .”

“What did she do to you, Nick?” Hancock had stopped walking, voice quiet. He sounded scared, more worried than Nick had ever thought anyone could be toward him. 

His hand tightened around the loose fabric draped over his frame. “What does it look like she did?” 

“I don’t know, man. All I know is you’re messed up something awful.” 

He chuckled, dryly, without joy. “You got that right. Something awful, and Nora’s the reason.” 

“We’re gonna get you out of here, and once we’re safe, you can just forget about her.” 

“I can’t just  _ forget _ about this.” His hand clenched at his stomach, and Nick caught a glimpse of Hancock’s reaction; the way he bit his lip, gaze dragging down his front. 

“What did she put in you?” Nick flinched when John asked the question he’d been dreading. 

He took a breath, before letting it out slow, his voice shaking as he leaned against the wall. “You don’t want to know, John. Don’t make me tell you.” 

“Nick,” he murmured, and the detective stopped. “We’re getting you out, and then we can bring you to some doctor that can help you get rid of whatever it is.” 

He sighed, and his shoulders fell. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” 

Hancock shifted his grip on the gun, hefting it up. “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted me dead.” Nora was playing a recorded scene over and over, looping it. She touched the screen, fingertips lingering on the fuzzy analog image of Nick. Preston shifted somewhere behind her, uncomfortable in the way she was showing affection toward the frozen image on the screen. “After everything that happened, he still doesn’t get it. The way you don’t get it.” She looked over her shoulder at him. “Preston, everything I’ve done, I did for us. For me, and you, and Shaun.” She let her gaze drop, and he took a breath in the overwhelming silence. 

“How can I trust you when you took Nick and used him like fodder just to get pregnant?” His brow furrowed and he looked at her, mouth taut in a grim line. “I loved you, Nora. More than anything else in the world. If you wanted children, you.. You should have told me.” 

Nora let out a breath she had been holding, clutching the infant closer to her chest. “I was barren, I couldn’t  _ have _ children with you, Preston.” 

“Then how did you…?” 

“Have this one?” Nora finished for him, smoothing a hand through the baby’s dark hair. “It’s a long story, but I’m sure you have time.” 

Preston took an anxious step back, and the doors clicked closed behind him. He could have sworn he heard them lock. 

* * *

 

“It’s been at least a year, hasn’t it?” Nick asked, keeping behind John. Only a few gen1 synths had crossed their path, armed with nothing but brooms and other cleaning supplies. As if they had been ordered elsewhere.

“It’s been almost two years since anyone’s seen you.” Hancock answered, sounding concerned. “How could you not know that?” 

“This is only the fourth time I’d left that room I was in since…” He paused, realizing Hancock wouldn’t understand how he’d been measuring time. “Since Shaun was born.” 

“Who the hell is Shaun?” John turned toward him. 

“Nevermind.” Nick’s hand tightened at his middle, and he could feel the life within stir weakly, still too small to truly be noticeable. “Forget I said anything about it.” 

“Hey.” Nick flinched at the sound of his voice. “Did Nora  _ do _ anything to you? You know what I mean?”

He shook his head and Hancock took another step away from him. “I wouldn’t put it past her not to have done anything to you. She’s sick.” 

He didn’t respond, palm growing clammy with sweat where he gripped the shirt. 

“You let me know if you need something, you know, to take the edge off.” 

Nick caught a glimpse of the way Hancock frowned, gaze glued to his stomach. “I don’t think that would help.” He leaned against the wall as he walked, and sighed. “Might make it worse, who knows.” 

John considered his words, tilting his head to the side. “Suit yourself, Nick.” 

He let his gaze fall, a hand curving up the slight swell of his stomach. “If we don’t get out of here. I..” He let out a slow breath. “I want you to shoot me.” 

"I'm not agreeing to that." Hancock answered, "because we're gonna get out of here in one piece."

He took a shaky breath, conceding to his demands. “Keep that in mind, John. If it comes down to it, shoot me.” 

“Yeah,  _ right _ .” He cast a look at him, wondering what could have happened to him to make him like that. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Who the fuck is this?" Kellogg had a laser pistol trained on Hancock, staring him down.

"Nick, can you tell this  _ asshole _ to put the gun down before I shoot a hole through his head." Hancock lifted the rifle to his line of sight. 

"John, stop." Nick put a hand on the barrel of his gun, pushing it down. "He can help us." 

Kellogg lowered his gun only a little. "You were going to leave me here." It wasn't a question. He knew as well as Nick did. 

“This is my chance to get out, to get free of her.” 

Kellogg's mouth twitched but he remained silent.

“Do what you promised. Kill her, and I'll wait for you.” 

 

* * *

 

Nora gestured for him to sit and he slowly sank down in the office chair beside her. “What was it that brought you back here? Was it for Nick, or did you just need to see me one last time?” 

“I don’t like the way Nick looked at you.” He managed to speak, the monitors beside them catching his interest. He watched as Hancock and Nick approached a well-lit hall, and the ghoul shot down a synth. Nick winced as he took a mincing step past the sparking remains. “Like you were some kind of object for him to stare at. And you just egged him on, like you knew how jealous it made me.” 

“I did.” She murmured, lifting her chin to look at him. “But you don’t need to worry about that.” Nora’s voice was saccharine, and she looked knowingly to the monitor, “I took care of that. He doesn’t want me anymore.” 

Preston followed her gaze, watching the monitors flicker over to new images. They were cycling through the rooms. “What did you do to him?” 

“Nothing he hadn’t dealt with before.” She rocked the baby that stirred in her arms. “Sometimes things just find a way to happen. This was my second chance. I lost Shaun once already, and the universe gave me another chance, and everything fell into place. I could never have done it without Nick.” 

Preston fell quiet. “You were keeping him captive. That doesn’t sound like anything  _ good,  _ Nora!” 

"I'm letting him go now, aren't I? That must count for something." 

"Some mercy. What satisfaction could you possibly get out of keeping Nick here?" 

Her expression darkened. "Look at him. Would you ever think to use him the way he'd been used before?" 

"What the hell are you talking about?" 

" _ Shaun _ ." 

His eyes widened. 

"Why do you think it had to be Nick, of all possibilities?" 

Preston closed his mouth, feeling sick. 

"Shaun was adopted. We never knew his birth parents, at least, not until I found a few files pertaining to our mutual friend Mr. Valentine. Here I was thinking Shaun's biological parents died 200 years ago, but how silly I was. This wasn't a coincidence, it was fate." 

Preston frowned: "You can't just re-make a person without the same experiences. It won't be Shaun." 

Nora's eyes flashed dangerously. "I didn't expect him to be exactly the same. Just close enough an approximation." Her tone was terse. "Shaun's dad doesn't matter. He didn't matter when I was married to that sap, he didn't matter when Shaun was born." 

The color drained from his cheeks, leaving him gray in the face. "So you used him as a surrogate." 

"It was easier than you'd think. Had them fucking like rabbits every time I turned my back." 

"Them? Nick wasn't here alone?" 

Nora was tight lipped. "You'd agree the man who took my baby deserved being kept captive like this. It’s a kind of poetic justice - he took Shaun from me, and now he helped give him back." 

"I thought he was dead. What was his name, Kellogg, right?" 

Nora leaned back in her chair, regarding him like he was a child. "He was, yes. But he was useful enough. There was a silver lining there." She put her hand to her cheek. "He had strong genes, the kind of temperament that lets one live in this kind of environment."

He held his tongue; the look on her face was making him feel uneasy. "It was easy to make him need Nick, just a few tweaks to his brain. The attraction had been there already, the curiosity. Seems our mutual mercenary friend had a sordid past involving Valentine. A few extra little bits and pieces, drawing from what I expected Kellogg didn't want me to know. He thought I wouldn't know about him and Shaun - what an idiot. He was sleeping with his employer." She snapped, catching Preston off guard. 

“You brainwashed him.” Preston gasped, staring at her in slowly dawning horror. “Did you brainwash Nick too?” 

“No. He was too stubborn. It never would have worked.” She met his gaze head on, holding it steady. “It was enough giving him someone who wanted him more than anything else, someone whom he’d spend every waking moment with.” 

“And that was Kellogg.” Garvey responded, voice weak. “You forced them together like playthings, and for what? Just to get Shaun back?” 

“He should never have been taken from me!” Nora disputed, chest heaving. Twin red spots flew to her cheeks, flushed with anger. “Nick squandered his right, his  _ potential _ , and I never had a chance. It was ripped from me the same way Shaun was, without my say in it.” 

"And what about Nick? Did he get a say in it before you forced him into this?" Preston asked, slowly rising to his feet. 

"That doesn't matter. He would never have agreed." Nora stared him down. "He didn't want it the first time either."

Garvey fell silent. "You're no better than a rapist." 

Those words sent a thrill of fear through him as her expression turned cold.

“If you expect for me to be upset by these accusations maybe you don't know me after all.” 

There was was a rumble from somewhere above them. Nora glanced up, as if indifferent to the sound of explosions over their heads. “Do you hear that?” 

She gave Preston a crooked smile. “The Institute has more enemies than you could count on both hands. Sounds like you let them get in.” 

Preston couldn't take his eyes off her, realization feeling like a weight in his gut. “You knew they were going to attack. That's why you let Nick go.” 

She coquettishly tapped her nose with her fingertip to indicate he was spot on, and Preston tore his gaze from her at long last. 

“They can take him for all I care. He's used up. I got what I wanted.” 

“Do you think they'll kill you?” 

“Even if they don't, I'm not letting them have Shaun again.” 

Preston stared, still unable to believe how much she had changed in such a short amount of time. 

“Defectors, thinking the Institute is monstrous, got in contact with a few remnants of the  _ Railroad.  _ The idiots. _ “  _ The disdain in her voice was plain. “There's bombs all over the facility. They thought I wouldn't notice. There's nothing to do anymore. I can't run or hide from this. Time to face what I started, Preston.” 

Her smile widened and he knew she had stepped off the deep end. Still, though, it hurt somewhere in his chest to know she was facing her certain death. He had loved her once, and Shaun didn't deserve to die like this. Preston also knew that she would never give the baby up to someone like him, someone who she believed was nowhere close to what she believed to be her intellectual equal. 

It ached somewhere cold in his chest, but he knew there was no saving her. No saving Shaun. He would have been lucky enough to get out with his own life. 

Nora considered Preston for a long second. “I do love you. I don't think I'll ever stop. But you can't stay here.” She gave him a familiar piece of machinery. “This will let you and the others get out in one piece, understand?” 

Preston could only nod. Nora sighed, looking down at the baby. The doors unlocked and he hefted a sigh as he got to his feet. 

“Goodbye. We won't see each other again in this life.” 

He watched her lock the doors again behind him as another rumble sounded through the building. He had to find them and get out of here fast.

 

* * *

 

Kellogg considered Nick's words, before realizing how true they were. “Fine. But you get out as soon as you can. There's charges planted all over the facility. The whole thing is gonna blow in a matter of minutes. You don't have very long. Get out of here, I'll take care of Nora.” 

Nick's eyes widened in fear but Kellogg didn't reassure him.

He took hold of the detective's forearm and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. "Now get the fuck out of here." He shoved him and the detective stumbled. "Go!" 

Nick hesitated, chest aching, watching Kellogg leave for the wrong direction, further into the Institute. 

"I'll figure something out. You just go!" 

There was something like alarm on Hancock's face. Pain, for sure, followed by a pang of what he thought was jealousy but that couldn't have been right. 

"What the hell was that?" Hancock looked him over,  and Nick was flushed, breathless. 

There was a rumble through the corridor that stopped his answer. "I'll tell you later. Right now we need to leave before the whole building falls down around us. "

 

* * *

 

Preston met Hancock and Nick down one long brightly lit hallway. “I have a way to get out of here.” Nick, still dazed, let Preston take hold of his arm on one side and Hancock took hold of the other as they teleported out of the corridor. 

It was in a heap they fell in the middle of Sanctuary. Hancock was righting Nick without question, helping him to remain standing. Preston looked around, as if amazed it worked. He let out a sigh of relief, before looking to the ghoul and Nick. 

“Let's get you some medical treatment.” 


	8. Chapter 8

"He's... he  _ was _ the closest thing I had to a friend, in the Institute." Nick spoke quietly, not letting Hancock catch his gaze. "I didn't love him, not the way he wanted me to." His hand grasped at the loose edge of his shirt, stomach fluttering. 

"In a way,  _ this _ was partially his fault. Partially mine too, for being forced into this familiar old body. It’s my fault I was like this to begin with." 

Hancock pulled a face, and looked at him. "I'm no first aid expert but I can try and take a look, if it’s bothering you." 

Nick held his tongue but allowed him to curl his fingers under the frayed edge of his shirt, lifting it slowly. He took a breath, hands smoothing over the solid swell and coming to pause at the sides of his hips. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking for, a wound or something maybe." The ghoul's fingers traced the white stretch marks that curled around his stomach. "No major scars, huh." 

"There isn't going to be any." 

Hancock looked up at him sharply, and Nick wet his lips. "There was never anything  _ invasive _ in the traditional sense." He murmured, and lifted his hands to cradle his stomach. "Nora saw to it that there wouldn't be any need."

Hancock cast a worried look up at his face and Nick felt a heat rise in his cheeks. "I let him inside me, John. He..." Nick paused, taking a shaky breath, a hand coming up to cover his face. "Oh god, I wanted it so bad. I needed him, more than I needed anything else. And he did this to me." It was a long moment before Hancock licked his lips, turning his head away as he let out a quiet breath, realizing what he meant. "You loved him, didn't you? Even if you were forced into it, you gave him everything and he - he dumped on you some kid you'll barely be able to care for." 

"John." 

"Nick, c'mon. Don't defend him."

"Nora would have killed him too." 

"Like she already did once. He's dead now anyway, Nick, and you're still around."

Nick's expression twisted and for a moment Hancock was afraid he would witness the detective's crumbling. 

"You loved him even though he was some big tough scary monster you'd been chasing halfway 'cross the Commonwealth." Hancock sounded only barely disgusted. 

"Why is that the part that gets you upset?" Nick stared, brow furrowed.

"I..." He began, then paused, mulling over his words. "It's not." 

Nick settled in his seat, with an air of finality. "No. It wouldn't be, would it." He took a breath and lifted his gold gaze to Hancock's dark eyes. "It's not the fact that it was him, it's the fact it _wasn't_  you. You're jealous, John. I can see it." 

His smile faded, leaving behind only a split second of weakness. "When you're right you're right." 

"John..." He breathed. 

"No, 's okay. Better that it's out in the open so we both know. I better get out of here before I do something stupid." Hancock let out a breath, and made a move like he was about to stand up and leave. 

"Wait." Nick had covered his knee with his hand. The ghoul paused. There was a moment of breathless anticipation crackling through the air before the detective surged forward and their mouths met. Hancock's hand cupped his cheek. He laced his fingers behind the ghoul's neck, pulling him in close between his legs. 

"Can't tell whether you really want me or if you're lonely enough to lower your standards." Hancock spoke in his ear, and Nick let out a quiet sound. "Better if I don't get an answer just yet." He worked a hand down the front of the waistband of his trousers, easily smoothing a finger into the sweet wet between Nick's thighs. He groaned, forehead pressing just at the crux of his throat and shoulder. A low chuckle escaped Hancock’s mouth and he whispered: "Don't have much to work with, but I think I can make do with this."

Nick's breathing picked up and Hancock listened to the sound of his moans, fingers plunging into the wet heat of him. It wasn't anything like the mercenary. Nick hated to admit he missed Kellogg like a hole in his chest where his lungs should have been, or some other vital part that wasn't his heart. The merc didn't deserve his heart.

Nick lifted his head and kissed him, the tangy sweet taste of his grape mentat flavored breath lingering on his tongue. Hancock thrust his fingers faster, and Nick's back arched so perfectly as an orgasm rushed through him like a stroke of lightning. His body was still so sensitive. He was reluctant to remove his fingers, the sight of Nick spasming around the intrusion such a perfect image. The detective let his head fall down against the ghoul's shoulder,  his breath coming back. Hancock pulled his fingers out and popped the slick digits into his mouth. Nick watched his movements with darting eyes as he sucked his fingers clean. "Feel any better?" 

He panted, face flushed. 

"Do you expect me to say yes?" 

"Not really. It was a rhetorical question." 

Nick fell quiet, working his mouth like he wanted to say something but couldn't bring himself to spit it out. He closed his eyes, fingertips digging into the rough expanse at the back of Hancock's neck. "Don't leave so soon." 

"Won't plan on it." His arm coiled haphazardly around Nick's back. "Can't leave you alone in your condition." 

Nick's face heated and he scoffed under his breath; "My  _ condition _ hasn't changed in the last few days, John." 

"I meant everything else." His hand skimmed up Nick's side. "Nobody's ever said I leave a person in need."

"Is that what I am?" He didn't turn, face burning. "Or did you just need an excuse to make me come?" 

He gave Nick a breathless little laugh and leaned back. "I dunno, you seemed to enjoy it. Having regrets because it's me instead of your baby daddy?" 

Nick stiffened, bristling entirely. " _ Don't _ ." His words were a warning. 

Hancock stopped, looking up at him in surprise. "Guess maybe I struck a nerve." He paused, considering a right course of action. "I'm not gonna pretend he doesn't exist, Nick, but he's dead. He's not gonna get mad I somehow  _ encroached _ on his turf." 

"No, but I will. I'm not anyone's property." 

Hancock shook his head. "I'm not saying you are. You're mad because I'm not him, and we both know that."

Nick frowned, biting his tongue. 

"You're in love with him. I kind of figured." He gave Nick a weak smile, before it faded again. "I can't pretend to ignore it." 

"Why do you care, John?" He snapped, looking him up and down with a distraught glance. 

"Because I thought we were  _ friends _ , Nick." Hancock answered, voice failing. "I risked everything to get you outta there. I don't want any kind of reward, y'know? Seeing you again is enough." 

He fell silent. "John...." 

"I get it." He shook his head, and the smile he flashed was a sad one. "I'll get outta here before I end up spillin' my guts." 

"Wait. What are you trying to tell me here?" 

"Damn it, Nick. I love you, okay? I've been in love with you somethin' awful for a long time." 

"You and everyone else." He grumbled, catching Hancock off guard. "What do you get out of telling me this?" He looked him over. "Did you want me to fall into your arms after you rescued me? Is that how you envisioned it?" 

Hancock's gaze fell. "No. I'll go. You want me gone, so you can wallow by yourself in this bullshit, and I can do that." 

"John, I don't expect you to drop everything to take care of my daughter and me." 

"Y-your...  _ daughter _ ." Hancock paused, taken aback by the way he referred to it. 

Nick let his head drop, dark hair falling in his eyes. "You've done enough for us both." He paused again, mulling over his next words. "You don't have any obligation to take care of me because Kellogg's gone." 

"I'm not  _ taking care of you _ like you're some pet. Think of it like I'm making an honest man outta you and your little girl, you hear me?" Hancock lifted his chin and brushed across his lower lip with the pad of his thumb, before pressing their mouths together gently. Nick fisted his fingers around Hancock's collar, hauling him in closer. He groaned into his mouth, noting somewhere in the back of his mind that he only needed Hancock because the man he convinced himself he could never love had been presumed dead in the explosion. He wasn't one for false hope but he hadn't seen the body. 


	9. Chapter 9

His office was exactly the same as he had left it. Ellie kept it how he had left it, everything still in its place. When he walked through the door, it hurt, and Nick had to stop for a moment, hand clutching the doorway with enough pressure to crack it. She didn't recognize him. 

"Ellie," he managed to croak. "I'm home." 

She took a few steps toward him. "I heard you were back in town but I thought it was all lies." Ellie shook her head. "I missed you, Nick." He let her pull him into a hug he graciously returned. "It's just you by yourself? No, um, mercenaries or....  _ babies _ ?" 

Nick let go of her with some hesitation. "No. He's dead, and I..." He pressed his lips together tight. "I don't have any other babies yet." 

"Yet?" She asked, clueless. "Other babies?"

"Shaun didn't make it out of the Institute either. I..." He took a steadying breath. "It's a girl this time. John's already offered to help me with her." 

Ellie froze, listening. "Oh,  _ Nick _ , I'm so sorry." 

He didn't answer. "She never asked for this and I can't just take it away." 

Her gaze wavered, before she couldn't hold it any longer. "If you think it's the right decision." 

He staggered past her, to his bed.  

Nick hated how his bedroom had last lingering bits of Kellogg just scattered around. He had left in a hurry, didn't even bother picking up half the things he'd left behind. 

Touching the side of his bed, Nick sank down on the mattress. He picked up Kellogg's coat he'd left behind, draped over the edge of the bed. Nick pulled it close to his face and breathed in the last lingering leather and gun metal scent of him from the coat. 

 

* * *

 

It was a few months later when he'd received any kind of visitor at the door. The residents of Diamond City were afraid of him, or if not, they were disgusted by him. 

He drew himself up with an inhale before turning to see who had walked in. 

He couldn't believe his eyes. Nick dropped his mug in shock and it shattered at his feet. He paid it no mind, crossing the room in a matter of steps, his heels crunching through the ceramic. Nick moved as if he were dreaming, each step taking him closer to the door. 

There Kellogg stood, looking as if he had survived everything the commonwealth threw at him. Nick almost didn't recognize him, the way he looked run ragged, barely holding it together. He'd traded the Institute uniform for something a little more suited to the wasteland, a long coat over something it looked like he'd scavenged off some dead settler.

He staggered back when Nick came in close, unable to fully believe it. 

His breathing grew harsh and he fell against him. Kellogg let out an exhale Nick could have sworn sounded just like a sob, and wrapped him in a desperately tight embrace. His hand came up, threading through Nick's hair as he clung to him, drawing the detective in close. 

"I thought you were dead." 

"Bitch can't kill me twice." He muttered, voice sounding unused and rusty. Nick wondered if he hadn't spoken since the last time they had seen each other. 

It was a long moment of silence before Nick pressed his mouth to the mercenary's. He tasted like blood, and the detective caught a sob bubbling up from his throat, squashing it, silencing it in Kellogg's mouth. It was with careful hands the merc touched Nick's cheek, smoothing fingertips along his jaw as he plundered his mouth with forbidden longing. The detective was the first to pull back, studying his face. Kellogg had more scars than he remembered, a big one that looked like a burn covering the side of his head the most noticeable. 

Nick opened his mouth to speak but the words never came. 

Kellogg regarded him coolly. "I keep my promises."

He frowned, expression crumpling, before drawing the merc in again, crushing him in a fast embrace. "I wish I could say I didn't doubt you." 

"Don't blame you." He breathed, lips brushing the crux of his neck and shoulder. Nick shuddered and clawed at his shoulder. He hissed in pain and stiffened. "Still banged up pretty bad." 

He peeled Kellogg's coat from his form with numb fingers, letting it drop to the floor as they took careful steps to his bed. Kellogg fell back against the mattress first, and Nick moved to straddle him. His hands flew to Nick's hips, working his thumbs under the hem of his shirt. He covered Kellogg's hands with his own, letting them trawl their way up his stomach. Kellogg looked up at him. "Is she okay?" 

"I guess. She's healthy enough, if that matters." He covered his stomach with his hands, just over the merc's own hands. Their mouths met again and Nick let it linger. 

He let a hand drop from Nick's stomach, instead placing it at the small of his back. 

"I just want to hold you for now." He murmured, and Nick gave him a look. He shifted, legs falling down as he turned onto his side, facing him. 

Nick’s hand twitched as it lay down just under the merc’s chin, before it closed into a fist. He couldn’t feel Kellogg’s heart beating against it. 

He opened his mouth to take a breath and closed his eyes, head coming to rest in the crook of his shoulder. “You were gone so long, I thought you were dead for sure.” 

“Pretty sure I  _ am _ .” He breathed, turning to look at Nick's face. “If this is hell I wouldn't mind sticking around a little longer.” 

Nick let out a sound like a scoff, and shifted in his arms. “That would mean I'm dead too.” 

“Aren't you?” He sat up on one elbow, looking him dead in the face. “This  _ you _ isn't the real Nick Valentine. The same way  _ this _ me isn't really me.” 

“Dead men can't feel pain, or  _ love _ , for that matter.”

“Do  _ you _ ?” 

Nick kept quiet, expression turning sour. “I think the better question is whether or not  _ you _ do.” 

“You already know my answer. Why the hell do you think I crawled out of the burning wreckage of that damn Institute just to go back to  _ you _ .” Kellogg sneered, voice low. He let his shoulders drop, all at once sounding exhausted. “I could have gone anywhere. But I came back here. Back to you.” 

Nick froze in place, fingers curling around his collar. “I can't pretend to not know why. Even though Nora's dead--” 

Kellogg spit: “Good riddance. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to pull the trigger on her.” 

Nick sighed, “Even though she's dead, her programming still lives on.” 

“I'm not acting on some bullshit programming Director Pendleton decided to shove somewhere in my skull. I could have told you that myself.” Kellogg answered brusquely, at once spilling every word. 

Nick's brow furrowed and he took a long pause before pressing their mouths together. 


	10. Chapter 10

The door opened and they both fell silent, Kellogg's fingers scraping through Nick's dark hair, fingering the fine strands of silver that threaded through it. 

There was a familiar voice: “Nick, are you here?”

Kellogg's gaze slid across his face, confusion growing. And less anger than he was anticipating. 

“Hey, Valentine, I'm making sure you're not dead or somethi…..” 

He had turned the corner leading to Nick's bed and stopped. “Oh.” That was the entirety of his reaction. “ _ Shit.  _ You know what, I shouldn't be interfering in this kind of reunion. You wanna see me, you know where to find me, Nick.” Hancock called and turned the corner.

It was silent while the sound of the door closing echoed through the room. Nick hadn't said a word the whole time. 

“He’s in love with you.” Kellogg spoke after silence settled between them, fingers still playing in his hair. Nick's chin rested on his shoulder, the detective's arms clutching at his back, their bodies touching. 

“I know. He told me.” Nick answered, turning his head closer to the crux of his throat, his heart still maddeningly silent. 

“Do you love him?” 

Nick managed to remain quiet. “I don't know.” 

“That's a no.” He muttered, shifting his head and pressing a kiss to Nick's pulse, feeling it flutter under his mouth. “Never was one for cliches, huh? The man who rescues you, sweeps you off your feet, falls in love with you and the least you can give him is maybe a quick lay once or twice.” The merc snorted and his fingers tightened in Nick's hair. “And look at me, I'm some pieced together mound of trash and you can't go six months without me.” 

“It's been three.” 

“You proved my point, babe.” He spoke against the warmth of Nick's throat. He grasped the back of Kellogg’s shirt in his fists at the endearment. 

The merc shivered, and Nick could feel how cold his flesh was through the thin flannel shirt. 

He let his head bow, knowing Kellogg was right. “That doesn't mean anything. I don't love you. I don't think I ever could.” His voice broke and he swallowed around the lump that had rose in his throat. “And I hate how I need you so much, that I can't imagine going on like this without you.” 

Kellogg's lips curled up into something like a smile, though it twisted Nick's stomach into knots. “I told you I loved you once before and you never wanted to hear it.” Kellogg's voice was low again, dangerous. “I'm not going to say it again because some pansy ass ghoul wants to fuck you.” 

Nick took a breath and paused. “Tell me now. Everything about how you feel about me.” 

Kellogg sagged against the bed. “Mm, might be a little tough with the little girl still in your belly.” 

“What?” 

“Nothing.” The mercenary sat up, shoving Nick to the side. 

He took a sharp breath as he sat up beside Kellogg and let his hand drop, settling in his lap, palm against his stomach. “You’re a coward.” 

“ _ I’m _ the coward?” Kellogg leaned in, gaze piercing. He took hold of Nick’s wrists, and pulled him in by the hands. The detective’s fingers folded into easy fists under his palms as Kellogg’s grip on his hands loosened, gentle in its own way as his hands curled around Nick’s. He let his head drop as Kellogg’s face drew closer, his voice a dark whisper. “You can’t even tell your loverboy to get lost. Afraid of what’ll happen if  you end up alone again?”

Nick’s breath wavered, and he closed his fists around Kellogg’s hands. “ _ If _ ?” 

“I’m not planning on going anywhere.” 

“Shut  _ up _ .” Nick ground out, and lifted his head. “I was fine without you for three months. I would have been fine for longer if you had never come back.” 

He released his hand, lifting it to Nick’s cheek. Nick leaned into his touch with a begrudging sigh. “That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.” 

Nick covered his hand with his own, bringing it to his mouth. He let Kellogg’s fingers rest against his lips for just a moment. “I survived without you long enough.” 

Kellogg held his breath, fingers twitching against his mouth. His lips quirked up in a half smile. “You remind me of the old man like this. Same stubborn set of the jaw. Same words too.” 

Nick didn’t bother reacting, a sensation like ice water rushing through his veins. “Is that why you love me? Because I remind you of someone you’ll never see again? Because he was my  _ son? _ ” 

Kellogg rubbed his jaw with his free hand, the muscle bulging as he set his teeth on edge. “You can’t say that’s the only reason I’m around.” 

“I don’t care about the reasons why you’re around.” Nick spat, brow furrowed as he turned sharply to face him, dropping Kellogg’s hand immediately. “Whether it's because of me, or  _ Nora _ , or anything else doesn't matter.” His shoulders were heaving, and Kellogg lifted his face with his fingertips. Nick bared his teeth at him. “If you loved me you never would have come back.” 

Kellogg crushed their mouths together and Nick's hands flew up to cradle his jaw, one hand curling around the back of his head as he reciprocated eagerly, seeking out the merc's warmth, what little of it he could find, as he pressed closer. Kellogg manoeuvred him onto his back. 

“I'm here now, aren't I.” He growled, tearing Nick's shirt open. He shivered, hands coming up instinctively to his stomach. Kellogg pressed his mouth to Nick's chest, hot breath rushing over his skin. He kissed lower, big sloppy open mouthed presses of his lips to Nick's stretched skin. A hand came up to cradle just at his hip as Kellogg worked his trousers open and tugged them down. He planted a quick kiss to the side of his hips before his hot breath made Nick's skin prickle and he began trembling in earnest as Kellogg's mouth made its way to the wetness pooling between his thighs. A ragged sound escaped him and Nick drew up one knee to give him better access. He rasped his tongue along the slit, dragging his mouth as he teased all of his most sensitive points. Nick wrapped a knee around his neck, rocking into his mouth. He whined when he pressed two fingers into him, smoothing along his inner walls with the pads of his fingers, making his knees go weak with just a few knowing strokes. 

“Oh  _ God,  _ Conrad,” Nick's voice caught and he was spiraling into an orgasm, body clenching as he let out a sob of pleasure. Kellogg only released him when his legs relaxed. He gave his thigh a sweet peck before letting his leg drop. 

“Yeah, wouldn't want you to forget just how well I can get you to come.” 

He lifted his weary head to stare at Kellogg and the mercenary wore a viciously satisfied look, before pressing his fingers into him again, capturing the cry that escaped his mouth in a deep kiss. He had arched his hips toward the intrusion, and Kellogg had a knee between his thighs. “Fuck I love the way you look like this.” 

Nick was panting, his breath painfully dragging up from the very bottom of his lungs. “Take a picture, it'll last longer.” 

Kellogg looked him up and down, pausing in his ministrations to memorize the way he looked. “Maybe I'll draw it.” 

That pulled all the air from his lungs, and he fell silent, hips stilling. “ _ Don’t _ .  _ Please. _ ” 

He shook his head and trailed one single finger up the bared line of his chest, before curling his hand around his jaw and kissing him again. “Want me to promise?” 

It was a shaky sound that escaped his lips when Nick pulled back. “No. I can’t trust your promises.” 

Kellogg’s gaze dropped, and he worked his mouth, voice even. “You can’t.” 

The detective was quiet for a long moment, before he spoke again. “I don’t want to have any memories of  _ this _ ,” Nick closed his hand around Kellogg’s wrist, pulling his fingers free from his neck, placing his hand on his stomach. His fingertips dug in, and Kellogg’s palm settled against the warmth of his skin. He breathed out, and closed his eyes tight, mouth pinching closed when there was movement from within. Nick was shaking. 

Kellogg took a breath to speak, and Nick interjected before he could. “Don’t say it.” 

“What can’t I say?” He let his voice drop to a low whisper, and Nick shivered, trembling intensifying tenfold. “I love you. I love every part of you. Even this, even  _ her _ .” 

He turned his head away, breathing coming with some difficulty. “You can love her. She’s part of you, after all.” Kellogg didn’t respond, pulling his fingers out of him. Nick didn’t stir either. “I don’t want you to love me, I want…” He stopped, face twisting into something pained at the realization. “I don’t know what I want.” He turned away, back facing Kellogg. The merc came up close behind him and Nick stiffened. He planted his mouth against Nick’s bared shoulder, gentle and sweet in his movement. He choked back a sound, tilting his head back against Kellogg’s shoulder. 

He guided the mercenary’s skilled fingers between his legs and let out a groan that sounded from the very depths of his core, “ _ Please _ .” 

“Begging, are we?” He murmured, before lifting his head and kissing him as he resumed teasing him with his calloused fingertips. Nick let out another moan caught in his mouth, and squeezed his wrist in tight fingers. 

“Oh god, I need you so bad.” He pulled him in close, mouth meeting Kellogg's again and again. He whined, pressing their foreheads together. “I need you so much.” His fingers, eager and searching, drew Kellogg's shirt open, pushing it off his shoulders and feeling the rough expanse of his skin, cool under his heated palms. Kellogg groaned, and turned his head when Nick unbuttoned lower.

“Yeah?” He called, breathless, kissing him again. “Want me to fuck you instead?” 

He nodded, unable to speak. Kellogg's fingers left him and he gasped aloud, gripping his wrist painfully hard. Kellogg grit his teeth, working his pants open, belt buckle jangling in the preceding silence, before he sank into him. Nick's hands clawed up his back as he pressed him to the bed. With the first rock into him, Nick's voice broke. The merc hoisted one leg up and he moaned, clawing at his shirt, squeezing the thin fabric in his fists. He turned the detective onto his side, going faster. He grabbed hold of Kellogg’s hand, entwining their fingers. His other arm covered his eyes, face buried in the crook of his arm as he lost control, voice cracking as he moaned louder. Nick pulled his arm around his waist, holding him. “Oh god, I lied, I love you so much.” He whined, loudly crying out as he came.

Kellogg slowed, hips rolling steady, as he looked down at the detective. “Did I hear correctly?” He gave him a ragged grin, moving in to kiss him deeply. Nick sighed, chest heaving, as he lifted his reluctant gaze to Kellogg's dark eyes. 

“I don't know. You tell me.” 

Kellogg cocked an eyebrow and kissed him again. “The way I heard it, you finally admitted it to yourself.” Nick let their mouths linger close together, eyes half closed. 

“Is that what you heard?” He was mocking him, voice even. “Do you think that's what you wanted to hear?” 

Kellogg didn't speed up, hips angled up to slam into him. “Mmhm.” He didn't look at him, eyes falling closed as he rammed hard enough to hurt. Nick let out a cry, arms coiling around his neck. He groaned, right in Nick's ear, before spilling out inside him. 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Kellogg breathed, pinning him to the bed with his arms, caging him in. “You okay?” 

Nick winced, one eye closing. “You didn't induce labor or anything if that's what you were wondering.” 

The merc pulled out of him, rolling onto his back beside him. “Afraid you might lose this one?” 

He stopped, voice all too even. It gave Kellogg a twist in his gut he didn't bother reasoning away. “You act like I'm supposed to be happy about this. Like if I had the chance, I wouldn't have taken it out before it had taken its first breath.” 

“You didn't.” Kellogg answered, glancing at Nick out the corner of his eye, seeing the detective frown, his arms crossed over his chest where he had propped himself up, lying on his side beside him. 

“No.” There was a lot of feeling packed into that one little syllable. “I didn't.” 

“What is this?” Nick's palms fell along his chest where scars like lightning across his ribs spread, coming from one singular origin point, right there on the left side of his chest. Right where his heart was supposed to be. 

He drew away, quiet, gaze falling. “My heart stopped. Back in the institute.” Tone clipped, he muttered. “Got hit with one too many stun batons at once or something a little after Nora forced us to….” His voice trailed off, before he spoke again. “I was trying to get you out of there. The synths came at me all at once and shorted out the pacemaker they put in. Barely got you into my room before I collapsed.” 

Nick's expression curdled, and he asked simply: “Why?” 

“Nora was madder than I had ever seen her before. I don't know what else she would have done to you if I hadn't’ve locked you in my quarters. She put some new tech in,  _ personally _ . Guess she got carried away with the cutting.” 

“She hurt you.” Nick responded flatly. “Killed you twice.” 

“Yeah, maybe she did.” Kellogg fell quiet. “ Doesn't matter now though.” He scratched at his lip, pausing, his thumb pressed to his mouth. “I was there. I saw how they looked. A bad way to go.”

Nick knew who he meant in an instant. A knot rose in his throat and he lay back against the bed. “There was no saving Shaun, was there?” 

“No. I tried, damn it. Don't you think I would?” 

A vivid image of Kellogg trying to rouse their son, trying to keep him alive came unbidden. He stopped, eyes closed tight as he forced that image out of his head. In his mind's eye, Shaun had dark hair, those same dark warm eyes that followed each twist of his expression that Kellogg had, and this was probably not even close to what he really looked like after the end but he didn't care. 

“What did you do with the body?” Nick's voice fell apart, and he covered his face with his hands, kneading his eyelids with the heels of his palms. 

Kellogg didn't answer. Nick sat up at once, tone accusatory, letting his hands drop. “You didn't just leave him there, did you?” 

“I didn't want any animals, or,  _ shit _ , or ghouls, to get at it. At  _ him _ .” He took a deep breath. “I burned him. There was an incinerator.” 

Nick's breath caught and he clapped his hand over his mouth, gaze wide. 

“Took his ashes and buried them somewhere nice.”

He cracked a broken smile, one that looked more false than any other he’d ever given Nick, and then let his gaze drop. “Wish I coulda done more.” 

Nick let his hand drop from his mouth, breath painfully dragging out of his throat. “I never got to see him.” 

Kellogg remained frozen. It was a long moment of silence before he cleared his throat and spoke again; “Looked like you. Dark hair, tan.” 

Nick's head rolled on his shoulders. He had turned to face him. 

“What about his eyes?” 

The merc stopped in his tracks. “Why do you need to know this? It's better if you never knew what he would have looked like.” 

“Conrad.” He spoke at once and Kellogg lifted his head to meet his gaze. “Please tell me.”

It was a plaintive sigh that escaped his mouth. “Eyes like mine. Looked just like you though. Would have been better off that way. I don't think I could face that.” 

Nick didn't respond with words; only a sound of pain issued forth from him as he covered his face with his hands.

“I never loved him, never wanted this, but he didn't ever deserve that.” 

“No.” He agreed, “He didn't.”

“You could have tried to save him.” 

“No. Nick,  _ I _ , I couldn't. It was too late.” 

“What?” 

“Are you sure you want to hear this?” 

Nick held his tongue. 

“She poisoned him. And herself. Cyanide capsules. Didn't want to be captured. Coward’s way.” 

Kellogg moved to the edge of the bed, feet hitting the floor. His elbows came to rest on the edge of his knees and he sank his face into his hands. “Wish I could have gotten him out.” He let out a breath, mashing the heels of his palms into his eye sockets. “Goddamn it. I can never forget what he looked like. Just lying there, eyes wide open. He died scared, and I just…” His voice broke and he fell silent. 

Nick's hand came up to rest in the center of his back. He didn’t move, silent like the dead. Not even a heartbeat could be felt under his skin.

“How many times am I going to fuck your life up?” He asked after a period of silence. “That my job now? First Sarah, now you?” 

He let his hand drop from Kellogg's back, fingers curling into a fist. “If it means you're not going anywhere, I wouldn't want it any other way.” 

The mercenary turned, leg crooked against the edge of the bed. “Not if I can help it.” 

Nick's hands cupped his jaw and their mouths met. He pressed his forehead to the side of Kellogg's face, breathing hard. “He was never ours to keep.” 

The merc’s fingers darted up his side, plucking at the darned fabric of his shirt. “He should have been.” 

“He  _ wasn't _ .” Nick answered, with an air of finality, drawing a breath and holding his gaze. “He was your son. I was only some kind of surrogate.” 

Kellogg's mouth curled into a frown as he conceded the point. “Okay, alright,” He breathed, glancing his way just for a moment, gaze hard. “He was never yours. But he was  _ mine _ , and I hate it. I hate knowing I could never have done anything to save him.” 

Nick’s fingers twitched before closing into tight fists. Kellogg could feel him shaking. “Don’t. You don’t really believe that, do you?” 

He turned to face the detective, arm draped over his knee. “Does it matter if I did or didn’t? Would it change your opinion either way?” 

Nick stared for a long moment, dragging his teeth along his bottom lip. His gaze fell, and he worked his throat. “No. It wouldn’t.” 

He rounded on Nick in a matter of seconds, pinning him down with his arms. He studied Nick’s expression, watching how he opened his mouth to breathe, head cocked backward. Kellogg leaned in, catching the way his brows furrowed, the way his gold eyes caught the light. Nick’s lips twitched, and he was sure the detective was about to speak. Instead, Nick pressed his lips together tight enough to hurt and averted his gaze. His head turned, and his expression finally cracked. “That’s all you wanted.” 

“That what you think?” Nick took a breath, and made a choice not to answer. Kellogg scoffed under his breath and frowned. “Do you know what I would give for another chance? What I would be willing to lose in order to get back what I've lost?”

“Everything, I take it.” 

That must have been what he was about to say. Kellogg's expression froze and he narrowed his eyes at him. 

“I would give anything at all. Just to make sure I don't fuck up again.” 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to hell guys population: us  
> anyway guess what birth scene time

 

They were hot on the trail of a missing persons case, one that had then stymied for months. The lead had brought them to Jamaica Plain after a long and arduous process of wheedling information out of every known possible source, but it had gone cold. Nick was sure it had something to do with anti-synth sentiment, and it was that that brought them there. It was abandoned as fa as he could tell, minus the many ghouls the two of them shot down with ease. Nick leaned back against a wall, breathing hard from the exertion of fighting, his swollen stomach weighing him down too much to be of any real use. He wasn’t exactly as spry as he had been before any of this had happened.

There was a feeling like a cracking between his hips as he leaned back, hearing Kellogg shoot down the last of the ferals, and he jerked, doubling over at the pain. Nick couldn’t breathe all of a sudden, his whole body feeling tight. And then it released, and Nick couldn’t help but let out a shaky breath at the contraction. His hands curled around his belly, trying to soothe the child within as she kicked and tumbled. He knew it was a contraction, he knew it like the feeling of a bullet burning through metal. 

“Oh-h  _ God,”  _ Nick breathed, trying to hold himself upright against the wall. This was not the best place to deliver a baby. Jamaica Plain was as far from anyone and anywhere as he could imagine. His fingers clutched at the cold concrete, digging into the pockmarked wall. Kellogg was somewhere behind him. He could feel his eyes on his back. He hated the weakness in his voice when he managed to whine through his teeth. “ _ Conrad, help me _ .” 

Kellogg swore aloud, rushing his way, expecting the worst. “What is it?” 

“I'm going into labor, what the hell does it look like?” Nick grasped at his shoulder as soon as he turned. “Now either help me or go find someone who  _ can _ .” 

“Yeah, okay, you can do this.” 

“I did it before, remember? I was by myself at that point-- _ Ahh, shit!” _ He collapsed against the cool concrete, the wall the only thing holding him up. She was pressing down inside him. 

They managed to get into a garage, just in time for Nick to collapse, body clenching around the weight inside him. 

Kellogg tore off his stolen overcoat and put it down before Nick got on the ground. He was on his knees, clutching at his stomach. Nick was trying to regulate his breathing, each little exhale coming out a panicked sound as he turned his head away. “C'mon,” Kellogg breathed, guiding his legs apart as he worked his pants down. 

“Stop.” Nick turned his head, face hot. “You don't need to do this for me.” 

“Let's see you do it then.” Kellogg had his hands behind Nick's back, hoisting his hips up so nick could wriggle out of his trousers, having already discarded his own coat in the corner. He arched his back and his stomach lurched, muscles tightening in protest. Nick clutched at his swollen belly, the ache starting to travel like a bolt of white hot lightning through his body. He twisted, fighting the urge to curl up right there. Kellogg squeezed his thighs; he supposed it was meant to be comforting but it was anything but that. 

Nick's arms wrapped around his gut, each kick and shift of the restless baby within visible through his stretched flesh. 

“I have some stimpaks. Might help you a little.” He eased a hand higher, somewhere between the detective's hip and the taut swell of his belly. 

The pinprick of the stimpak was nothing compared to the burning through his blood afterward, his muscles twitching around the weight inside him. Nick cried out, the sound echoing in the vast emptiness of the town around them. His breathing hitched, and he wanted nothing more than to roll onto his side and stop the pain. He didn't even notice the mercenary pressing two fingers into him, probing inside. 

“ _ Shit _ .” Kellogg's hand pulled away, and Nick couldn't help but let out another sharp sound. 

“You're gonna hate me for this, but.” Kellogg held his knee with his free hand, pressing into him again with two fingers. 

Nick managed to ground out “Too late, I already do--” and then there was an agonizing pinch - Nick's eyes rolled back into his head, and the color drained from his face, his legs trying to close instinctively as a broken cry found its way up tearing out of his throat, cutting off his words, Kellogg's grip on his knee keeping them separate despite his desperate attempts to get him away - and then a gush of fluid poured from between his legs. 

Nick's head fell back against the bunched coat beneath him, his breathing painfully shaky. The cramping returned with a vengeance, his body tightening up at a faster rate now. He writhed, clawing at the coat beneath him. It was agony. 

“G-gnngh,” Nick grit his teeth, obeying his body's natural instincts. He bore down once, mouth opening with a gasped groan, and he felt a strong pair of hands at his back. His eyes fluttered open, having a hard time focusing on the merc's face in front of him. “A-aah,  _ goddamn _ . I think this is going to end up killing me.” He murmured, head falling back. His hair was sticking to his face in damp curls, and each contraction, as they came faster and closer together, was accompanied by another cry. His mouth opened wider, and the look on his face was one of panic, brow furrowed, as he knew he had to push right then and there. A wetness tracked down his face, and he could feel every inch it’s head stretched him open.

Nick dropped his head, gripping behind his knees. “Keep going. I’m right here.” 

“Some comfort.” He spit, voice raising a panicked octave, body clenching. He struggled to regulate his breathing, head falling back against his shoulders as he let a weak sound escape his lips.

He paused, each breath coming out like a sob. “I can’t, I can’t do this.” Nick’s back settled against his chest, heaving with each breath. His taut gut was tense, and his hands shook at his belly. 

“Don’t you give up like this. You came all this way, this far, and you’re not giving up now.” Kellogg was speaking against his temple, a calloused hand smoothing through his sweat soaked hair. 

“No, no, please…” He was breathing hard, head caught in the crook of his neck as he let out an exhausted cry. The merc held him up, pressing him forward. The pressure was immense and he couldn’t help the pained gasp that escaped him. Nick used the very last vestiges of his energy to push as hard as he could with a loud scream until the sound of wailing rent the air. He collapsed backward, hands clutching at the coat’s worn flannel lining. He knew he was crying, sobbing in relief, as his aching body relaxed. The mercenary lifted the baby, wiping her clean with an old rag he had found. Nick closed his eyes tight, barely able to lift his arms to cover his face. 

He heard Kellogg let out a soft sound like a laugh moments later, and his heart clenched. Nick’s eyes were still shut when he heard the rustle of cloth and felt him move in close. 

“Take a look at her.” Kellogg’s voice was quiet. He didn’t answer, and the merc cradled the infant in one arm, wrapping her in an extra shirt he’d picked up along the road before laying her on the cushion of his stomach. Nick lifted his head, and gave her one quick look, before letting his head drop again. He was resting his forearm across his eyes, still trembling.  

“I can’t.” 

“Nick.” His voice was soft and easy. “You can’t ignore her.”

His shaking fell apart into full blown sobs. “Don’t make me  _ touch _ her.” 

Kellogg’s expression shifted a miniscule amount, his forehead wrinkling. “You never wanted her, I know. But  _ Nick, _ she’s your damn daughter.” 

“I know.” He managed to speak, voice broken. “Not yet. I can’t look at her yet.” 

“Fine.” He breathed, picking the infant up. She started to squall and Kellogg hushed her, not even looking at Nick’s prone form. “You should rest. We’re getting out of here as soon as possible. By morning light, hopefully.” 

He didn’t respond, instead rolling onto his side. Kellogg lifted his coat, covering Nick like a blanket. He frowned, hauling the coat up around his ears and slid headlong into oblivion.


	12. Chapter 12

It was dark when Nick stirred again. There was a fire glowing right outside the garage, and Kellogg had pulled up a cinder block, legs stretched out in front of him. Nick pushed himself up off the ground, wincing at the soreness between his thighs. He scrambled to get his trousers on, muscles sore and aching. Kellogg glanced up at the sound of him groaning under his breath. He turned, shifting his legs under him. “You shouldn’t be on your feet right now.”

Nick waved him off, and moved to sit close beside him with another barely concealed wince. It took him a moment but he noticed the mercenary had made a makeshift sling with the shirt he had wrapped her in, sleeves tied behind his back. She’d fallen asleep nestled just under his collarbone right against his chest.

“Found some powdered milk, lucky it was still sealed.” Kellogg muttered. “Mixed it with some clean water and gave it to her.”

Nick’s hands clenched into fists in his lap, and he stared into the fire. “You care for her more than I do.”

“Do you want me to come with you to Diamond City?”

Nick pressed his fist to his mouth, holding his tongue. “Why?”

“ _Because_ ,” He murmured, leaning in closer. “You need to go home. Take care of yourself, maybe forget about me if it means getting better.”

“That’s not what _you_ want.”

“Since when do you care what I want?”

That shut him up. He fell silent, the sounds of distant gunshots echoing around them. “Can I…” He cleared his throat, ducking his head. “Can I hold her?”

“She’s yours, isn’t she? I don’t make the rules around here.” Kellogg eased her over, and Nick took her close to his aching chest. “Thought you didn’t want to touch her.”

Nick scraped his teeth across his bottom lip. “I can’t just ignore her.”

“No.” He responded, shaking his head slowly, “No, you can’t.” It took him a second to gather his thoughts, summoning up the courage to touch him again. Nick started for a moment, lifting his head up from where he was studying the baby’s face. Kellogg’s gloved hand slid low, settling in the small of his back. He drew in a breath, stiffening for a moment, before he relaxed again. Nick’s breath hitched and he frowned, digging his teeth into his lip. He was fighting the urge to lean into his touch. Kellogg's fingers curled around his side and Nick let his head loll onto the mercenary's shoulder, giving up.

“She's beautiful.” He spoke quietly, feeling Kellogg's fingers tightening when his voice wavered. “How could someone like this come from something so terrible?”

“She’s proof you survived.” Kellogg answered, mouth brushing Nick's cheek as he spoke.

“Proof.” Nick gave a shaky sigh, and his calm facade shattered. He looked away, breath coming in fast and painful. His voice cracked and his words were spoken through teeth. “I didn’t want to remember this.”

Kellogg didn’t respond. His fingers were tracing little circles on Nick’s side. There was nothing he could say, not when he knew what Nick had gone through. They fell into silence like that, and his breathing evened out. Nick slowly relaxed again, expression losing its edge.

“If you were about to apologize, don't. Sorry isn't good enough.” He spoke after a while. “How can you just sit there and not be bothered by any of this?”

“Are you finished?” Kellogg cleared his throat. “You keep talking, you're going to wear yourself out. We need to be out of here in the morning.”

“We.” Nick mused. “The three of us, or just you and her?”

“I'm not taking her away from you.”

He shifted, clicking his tongue. “I can't raise a child alone.”

“I can't raise a child in the middle of nowhere.” Kellogg looked him up and down. “You don't want me to stay, remember?”

Nick pulled his legs in closer to his body, muscles stiff and sore. “Is that a warning?”

“You know what I mean.” Kellogg pulled him in closer, and Nick sank his teeth into his bottom lip. “You’re in no shape to make it out of here on your own, let alone with a baby.”

He was quiet, just listening to Kellogg talk. Nick’s cheek pressed against his shoulder, face tucked in the crook of his neck. “So what, are you going to _walk me home_?”

“Was thinking about it.” Kellogg answered, voice dropping low, right in his ear. Nick shivered, and turned his face closer to Kellogg’s neck. His arms tightened around the detective. “Get some shut-eye.”

Nick didn’t respond, but he could hear his breathing grow easier and his tense muscles relaxed.

* * *

 

He awoke, warm for once. Kellogg was behind him, he was sure of it, he could feel his arm draped tenderly around his waist. Kellogg must have moved him as he slept. The baby was beside him. It was swaddled, flushed and sleeping, cradled in an open toolbox just the perfect size for her. He lifted himself up on one elbow, adjusting the cloth she was wrapped in to take a good look at her face. The arm at his middle tightened and he heard Kellogg murmur something in his sleep at his back. He pulled the coat closer, and Kellogg’s other arm coiled around his chest.

He pulled the detective against his chest, and Nick took a sharp breath as Kellogg’s cold hands slipped under his shirt. Up the scored and stretched spanse of his stomach calloused hands passed, seeking his warmth. The mercenary’s palms brushed his nipples, sore as they were, and he gasped out loud.

Kellogg’s mouth curled into a smirk at his shoulder, as he nuzzled the side of Nick’s throat. His fingers rolled and teased at Nick’s nipples and he had to bring his hand up to cover his mouth. It _ached_ something terrible, an under the skin pressure that peaked at his nipples and spiraled into a kind of pleasure that sparked in his guts and traveled up his spine like something unimaginable.

His hand’s covered Kellogg’s over his chest, over his shirt, and guided his fingers to knead. His gasps turned into quiet moans and he guided him to pinch his nipples. Kellogg was worrying at his shoulder with gentle bites, fingers pinching away at the detective’s nipples. A strangled cry broke free of his lips and he pressed back against him, chest arching, nipples erect, aching, before Kellogg pressed a sweet kiss to the side of his throat and let his hands drop. His hands encircled Nick’s waist, and he was panting, sagging against Kellogg’s chest. He paused, realizing his shirt was damp where his nipples were. He swore quietly and bit his lip, disgusted with himself before rolling over away from him, moving as far from the merc's warmth as he could and let sleep overtake him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway i had a bet going with me and someone else where i would try to fit the word nipples into a scene as much as i can. it ain't really me kink but like lmfao it happened anyway


	13. Chapter 13

“Lenore. Real old fashioned. A fan of poetry, huh?”

Nick huffed as he slowly walked, or rather, limped behind Kellogg. “I didn't see you suggesting any names.” 

“Didn’t think that was my place.” Kellogg brushed his fingers across her downy cheek as they walked down the path back to Diamond City. “She came out of you, after all.” 

“Who do you think put her in there?” Nick snapped, and Kellogg lifted his hand and scraped his knuckles along Nick's jaw. 

“Lenore is a fine name. If you like it, then it's fine.” 

“Lenore… Valentine.” He murmured, and Kellogg turned to take a look at him. The sun was coming up over the landscape behind him, and the mercenary studied Nick, as if to memorize the image. 

“Yeah. Lenore..  _ Annette _ ?” 

Nick lifted his gaze to Kellogg’s, squinting, and the moment was lost. 

“Annette was my mother’s name, Nick.” 

He wasn’t expecting that answer. Nick froze right where he stood. “Lenore Annette Valentine, then.”  

The walk back was silent. The infant in his arms was sleeping, and neither of them wanted to speak for fear of disturbing that peace between them. 

It was quiet when they entered the city. Nick hoped no one noticed the infant slung across Kellogg's chest, nestled quiet against the flannel of his shirt, partially protected by the coat he took off a dead scavenger somewhere along the road. His old overcoat was ruined anyway, and left behind somewhere between Jamaica Plain and home. She was asleep, but neither of them knew whether she would wake up and alert the whole damn town. He'd already brought one kid into the city. Another one would be just as suspicious, even with the detective trailing him like a lost puppy. Especially since Nick was limping, having to stop and rest every so often, stomach aching and sore. 

* * *

 

Nick tore open the door to his office, and turned the corner to find Hancock deep in conversation with Ellie. 

“I don’t  _ know _ where he went, John. I know you’re worried about him, so am I, but he--” 

She noticed him in a flash, heart clenching in her chest. “Oh my god, Nick. I thought something happened to you!” 

“Something _ did _ happen to me.” He was leaning against the corner of the wall, breathing hard. His arm looped around his gut, clutching his shirt in his hand under his trenchcoat. 

“Damn, Nick, you look half dead. Where’s your, uh, your… help me out here.” 

Wearily, Nick opened his mouth to respond, and somewhere behind him, still closest to the door, there was a quiet wail from the baby. 

“What the  _ fuck _ was that?” 

“I..” Nick’s shoulders slumped and Ellie’s expression lit up. “Her name is Lenore.” 

Hancock stared, mouth open. “Shit, congratulations.” It was an empty phrase, sounding weak and cold. “You’re one big happy family now, huh.” 

Nick refused to look at him, face burning. He felt Kellogg approach long before he heard him come up behind him. The mercenary’s hand slid up along his back and he shivered at the feeling. 

“She’s just hungry.” He murmured to Nick, and he took the baby in his arms. 

“Oh, wow, Nick.” Ellie began, and Nick stepped closer. 

“Did you want to see her?” 

She accepted the baby at once, and cradled her close to her chest. “Oh,  _ Nick _ , she’s beautiful.” 

Kellogg still stood, stock still in the middle of the doorway and Nick passed him a quick glance. He caught his gaze and held it, for one long heartbeat. “Lenore Annette is her name.” 

“Hello Lenore,” Ellie murmured, and looked to Nick. 

Hancock followed her gaze back to Nick. “How are you even on your feet?” 

“Barely.” Nick answered, casting the ghoul a narrow glance. “I wouldn’t have gotten home if it weren’t for him.” He nodded toward Kellogg and the mercenary gave him another  _ look _ . 

“I told him he should be resting too.” The merc added, quiet. Hancock shut his mouth, gaze cast down as he worked his mouth. Nick could tell this was hurting him, and he fell quiet. 

He took a step and wobbled, unable to hold his balance for very long. Nick almost toppled, unsteady. He took hold of the wall, gripping it too tight. “Can somebody help me get to bed?” 

Both Hancock and Kellogg started toward him. Nick closed his eyes, wan in only a way that someone fairly weak would be. The dark circles under his eyes stood out against his clammy skin. 

Kellogg took hold of one arm and Nick recognized the touch as his. He covered his hand with his own, and opened his eyes to look at him. Opposite, beside him, Hancock was easing a hand along his shoulder. 

“John, I'm fine.” Nick pleaded with him. “Let go. If you want to help me, keep an eye on Lenore with Ellie. You wanted to help me and my daughter, didn't you?” 

He sucked in a breath through his teeth and dropped his arm like it was hot. “Yeah. Sure, fine.” 

Nick leaned further against Kellogg’s touch, the arm coiled around his stomach tightening in pain. He collapsed onto the bed, legs curled up close to his chest. “It didn't hurt like this the first time.” 

Kellogg bit his lip. “You weren't awake like this the first time.”

Nick's brow furrowed and he turned his head to the pillow, staying quiet. He hadn't realized the merc had been with him the whole time he'd been unconscious. Kellogg picked up Nick's coat from where he dropped it and slung it over him. The detective didn't react, but pulled the coat tighter around himself. Kellogg paused, hesitating, before sitting on the bed beside him. 

He took a shaky breath from under the coat’s cover, and his words were muffled but perfectly understandable: “I’m worse now than I was before. The first time.” 

“I'm not surprised.” Kellogg answered, voice gentle. “Whatever was in that cocktail Nora was giving you kept a tight lid on all of this.” 

“The silver lining to my captivity.” Nick responded, and took a sharp breath. “I don't even look like myself anymore. My chest…” He sounded distraught, and that was when Nick paused, taking a moment to gather himself. “I hate looking like this. I'm not  _ myself  _ anymore.” 

Kellogg put his hand on the gentle rise of his hip. “Next time I'm out and about I'll try to find something to help.” 

Nick let out another shaky sound. Kellogg continued: “There's a place I know has all kinds of hormones and things. Institute used to search it for supplies occasionally.” 

“What makes you think anything will be there?” 

“Because they won't need to find anything if they could just make it.” 

Nick closed his mouth tight. “So we find this thing. Then what? As soon as I finish off the supply it'll go back to the way it was.” 

“Do you think that quack surgeon in town has actually performed surgery?” 

“Don't change the subject.” Nick hissed. 

“I'm not. He could take all of your  _ unnecessary  _ organs. It would stop all of  _ this _ . You wouldn't have to have any more children, ever.” 

Nick's expression furrowed and he sat up on his elbow. “Why are you helping me with this?” 

“Because you're in pain.” 

“And that matters to you why?” 

Kellogg didn't answer, his thumb pressing gentle circles into the soft flesh of Nick's hip. “I can’t promise your life will go back to the way it was without me, but I can sure as hell help you.” 

“That doesn't answer why.” 

“I figured you'd jump at the chance. I'm not a fucking monster.” 

“Could have fooled me.” Nick replied, tone venomous. 

Kellogg tensed, he could feel him stiffen on the bed beside him, but didn't say anything. 

He sighed, shifting closer to Kellogg’s legs, bumping the merc's knees with his own. “Sorry. Thought you liked kids.” He considered his next words: “Thought you liked seeing me pregnant.” 

“Yeah, but not when  _ this _ is what happens after, when you're half dead already.” Kellogg's hand slipped upward his side and Nick shivered. “You need to recover first, and maybe think about it - Not my decision anymore. If you want it then I'll do anything I can, and if you don't we can drop it right now.” 

“I... “ Nick closed his eyes. “I think I need to sleep on it.” 


	14. Chapter 14

He was unwinding a long spool of bandages from around his chest. Kellogg had left to pick up some needed items, or so he had said. Nick was there, but Hancock was sitting there beside him. Despite himself, he had missed John, painfully. Even though he knew getting them alone together was a recipe for disaster, Nick let Hancock approach as he undressed. 

“Doesn't that hurt?” 

Nick looked up, hands pausing their hypnotic rolling of the cloth. “Not in a way I can't deal with.” 

“Nick,” Hancock covered his hands with his own. “Do you think I care what you look like under your shirt?” 

“It's not about you.  _ I’ll _ know. I can't deal with it like that.” Nick left his shirt hanging open, chest red and raw. “John, I trust you enough to let you this close.” He paused in taking a step and Hancock's hands hovered at his sides. 

“I can tell.” He murmured, fingers finally coming to land on the crest of Nick's hips. The detective canted his hips toward Hancock's warmth, a hand coming up to cradle the side of his face as their mouths met for just a moment. It was John who pulled back first. 

“Your old man gonna get mad you're kissing a, what did he call me?” 

“A pansy ass ghoul.” Nick's mouth quirked in an embarrassed smile, and he reeled Hancock back in, both hands cupping his cheeks as he pulled him in close, tongue languishing in the painfully saccharine taste of his mouth. “He's not my anything. Just….” The father of his only surviving child, the man he loved, the monster he'd been keeping tabs on for years, his companion. None of this he could have said to Hancock. “Just Kellogg.” 

“You love him?” Hancock asked, fingertips moving up to curl into his hair. 

“I don't know.” His gaze dropped, eyes glancing away.

“C’mon. I'm not stupid, Nick. I can see the signs.” Hancock's fingers pressed his cheek tighter. “You're in love with him, and you can't even tell me the truth.” 

“I'm not telling you the truth because you don't want to hear it. I don't want him to love me. I didn't ask for this.” Nick spoke at once, voice raising an octave. 

“No, but now that you've got it you're reluctant to give it up.” Hancock looked him up and down, the upset look on his face tearing Nick up inside. 

“John,  _ stop _ . I don't love him the way he wanted me to.”

“What way is that? If he showed up right here, right now, you're telling me you would turn him down?” 

Nick hesitated. Another familiar voice, low and dangerous, broke the silence. “Yeah, would you? I don't think I've ever seen you turn me down.” 

Kellogg stepped out of the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. Hancock bristled, and Nick moved to pull his arms from around the ghoul. 

“Uh-uh.” Kellogg put his hands on Nick's shoulders, easing his shirt collar down past the nape of his neck, revealing the bite scar he'd left behind on the side of Nick's throat so long ago. “Tell him. I wanna see you try.” 

Nick wet his lips, distracted already. “John, I…” 

Kellogg's lips brushed the back of his neck and he couldn't help but moan. “ _ Don't _ .” 

Hancock's expression grew pinched as Kellogg's hands crept up his chest, coming to rest palm side down on either side of his ribs, fingers splayed. His mouth latched right at Nick's pulse point and Nick’s knees shook. Hancock looked like a deer caught in headlights, frozen like that. 

“You love him so much, why don't you get in on the action?” Kellogg nodded him over and John looked to Nick, whose face burned. 

“John, I need you to touch me..” He breathed, taking hold of Hancock’s wrist. The ghoul obliged, slipping his hand under the waistband of Nick's trousers, popping the button and pushing them down to his thighs. A desperate gasp escaped Nick's slack mouth and he clawed at the back of Kellogg’s head. He approached slow, working in close on the opposite side of Nick's body, awkwardly pulling an arm around his waist. 

“You want him to keep going, babe?” Kellogg's voice was a hot whisper in Nick's ear. He nodded breathlessly, hair a mess already. Kellogg grinned, casting a dark look in Hancock's direction. 

Nick touched the ghoul's chest as Hancock pulled his shirt open, fingers tracing the scars that outlined the shape of his pecs. “ _ Oh _ .” 

“Yeah. I tried to tell you.” He let his jacket fall, and his shirt followed. “You're not the only one like that.” 

Nick's fingers didn't leave the ghoul's chest for a single second as they, all three, backed toward the bed. Kellogg wedged a hand down the back of Nick's trousers, pushing them down as they walked. He stepped out of them as Hancock undid his own pants, kicking them off and onto the floor. 

 

* * *

 

He ground down against Nick, dripping wet as he wound a leg around Nick's waist, rubbing against him. 

“Lemme see what it is that gets you so hot about him. That okay,  _ John?”  _ Kellogg  said his name callously, taking hold of his hips only when Hancock relaxed and managed to respond in the affirmative. It surprised him how Kellogg asked instead of just taking. 

Hancock's eyes widened and his mouth opened when Kellogg shoved into him. He let out a sound like a keening whine, feeling the mercenary pull out slow and rush back into him. He let out a moan, rolling his hips against Nick. Hancock's voice caught and he was moaning with each bounce and rock of his hips. No wonder Nick fell hard and fast for him. 

Kellogg pushed the ghoul down onto his back, shoving into him indelicately. Nick straddled Hancock's head and the ghoul wasted no time, teasing him with his tongue as he rode Hancock's face. Nick pulled at Kellogg's chest, drawing him in closer as John let out a muffled cry at the mercenary getting deeper. Kellogg's mouth met Nick's and the detective couldn't help but lose it all in a matter of moments, unraveling, overstimulated easily. He was panting, the flush on his cheeks tracking down his chest beautifully as he fell back against the pillow, leaving Hancock's head framed by his thighs. Hancock arched, thighs shifting as he came around the intrusion still pumping through him without cease. 

“You want me to pull out?”  

“N-no.. I can take whatever you dish out.” Hancock answered, an arm thrown over his eyes as he clenched around the mercenary's cock. Kellogg groaned, sharp and tense, as he pressed in close, hips stuttering before slamming in hard. Hancock let out a cry that petered out into a whimper, and he relaxed, feeling the merc's seed shoot up inside him. He let Kellogg retreat and then rolled onto his side, facing Nick. Nick blinked, breath coming in hard. “This why you can't stop fucking him?” 

Nick's mouth formed a stern line and he took a breath, before opening his mouth to speak. He hesitated, the words unable to come. “It's more than just fucking. “ 

“That so?” Kellogg was cleaning himself off. “You gonna tell him everything, Valentine?” 

“What else is there to tell?” 

“I never told you about Shaun.” 

“No. You mentioned somebody named that, but….” 

Kellogg let out a quiet sound, halfway caught between a laugh and some other stifled noise. 

Nick cast a broken betrayed little look at the merc, before continuing. “The first time, when Nora first… did what she did, it was all organized so  _ damn _ neatly everything fell into place.” Nick's gaze dropped. “Shaun was her first  _ experiment _ . He was named after her first son.” 

“I get that. What are you trying to tell me?” 

“Lenore isn't our first.” 

Hancock's eyes narrowed, expression confused. “Holy shit.” 

“Yeah.” Kellogg scoffed, leaning his hip against the bed frame. “Kid didn't even make it to his second birthday. Thanks to  _ Nora.”  _

Hancock took a breath, and let it out slow. “So, you really are a happy little family.” 

“wouldn't call it anything close to that.” Nick responded, coldly. “If I had the chance I never would have done it.” 

Hancock sucked in a breath through his teeth and held it for a long few seconds. “And what about you?” 

“Me?” Kellogg cocked an eyebrow. “Listen, you walking raisin, I was forced into this just the same as Nick was.” 

“Even if he was a little more willing than I was.” Nick added under his breath. 

Kellogg took a good long look at him. “I'm not the one who gave birth to Shaun the first time, pal. You had enough reason to hate it. I didn't.” 

Nick settled bonelessly on the bed. “True enough.”

"Tell me everything then," Hancock sat up, leaning his elbows on his knees. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys nick is using improper binding techniques please do not use bandages those are so bad for you


	15. Chapter 15

“Do you expect me to just stick around forever, pining after you?” 

“Nick?” Kellogg was pulling his coat on, striding toward the front door. 

“I can't lie and tell you I'm fine with you leaving.” 

“Gotta provide somehow.” 

“Come back safe.”

“Yeah. Nobody messes with me.” 

Nick searched his expression, then let his gaze fall. “That's not what I'm afraid of.” 

“No?” He pulled Nick in by the waist, fingers squeezing just enough to elicit a quiet sound and a slow crawl of Nick's fingers up his chest. “Are you scared I might run off?” 

He didn't answer, and Kellogg's expression darkened in a way that twisted Nick's stomach into knots in a good way. 

“Just try me.” Kellogg growled, and pressed their mouths together. Nick's hands slid up his chest, curling around his neck. He fed into the kiss, mouth opening just enough for the merc's seeking tongue to delve against his own. Kellogg pulled back too quick, leaving him unsatisfied. Nick stood there in his arms, panting. He moaned under his breath, whole body hot. 

“ _ That’s  _ why I'm not leaving you. Not really.” 

“No.” He breathed, feeling Kellogg's fingertips leave his hips. 

“This time next year I'll be back to stay.” Kellogg jabbed a finger his direction. “That's a promise.” 

“Sounds more like a threat.” Nick countered, venom slipping into his words. 

Kellogg's gaze shot down the length of his body and then up again, giving him a once over. “You're one to talk about threats.” 

“Oh? Am I?” Nick took a step closer, bodies closing in on each other like humming live wires. “When have I ever threatened you?” 

Kellogg pretended to think about it before answering like it was the most obvious thing in the world: “You've threatened to kill me several times, actually pulled the trigger once. How many times have  _ I _ threatened you.” 

Nick wracked his brain and fell silent. The merc took the opportunity to take hold of his hips, gathering the detective in close again. “Once? Twice maybe.” 

“You destroyed me, if you’ve forgotten.” Nick cocked his head back, chin lifted in defiance. 

“Never said I didn’t. But was it intentional?” Kellogg’s mouth fidgeted, the wrinkle between his eyebrows deepening. His arm flexed just at the center of Nick’s back. “You wanted me to do it as much as I wanted to.” 

He fell silent, eyes narrowed in thought as he cast a dry look Kellogg’s direction. His palm lifted, coming to rest on the side of Kellogg’s jaw. “I didn’t expect any of  _ this _ .” 

“Neither did I.” Kellogg’s fingers trailed up his side, leading up his neck to his cheek. “I don’t regret it though.” 

Nick opened his mouth to respond, but thought better of it, looking away. “Regret is funny that way.” 

“Nick.” 

His gaze snapped right back to the mercenary’s, and Kellogg lifted their mouths together. His fingers tensed at the merc’s collar, before relaxing, as he fed into the kiss, deepening it. The mercenary pressed him against the wall, their bodies so close it burned. It was over too soon. Kellogg tore himself away, and took a step to the door. Nick didn’t bother looking his way, instead bringing his hand to his mouth, the sensation of the merc’s lips on his only a memory now. 

He wondered again if Kellogg was even coming back, but decided against making any rash predictions about the mercenary. He knew there were other people out there, better suited for Kellogg's needs and desires. The merc didn't need any children or washed up old detectives weighting him down. 

After the second month he was gone, Nick knew that was the case. After the fourth, he told himself if Kellogg was coming back, he better do it damn soon. After the tenth month, he had lost all hope. It was at month eleven that he knew the mercenary was gone for good. 

It was eighteen months before Kellogg returned. Lenore was walking, had started to look more and more like  _ him _ . She had dark eyes, dark hair, and Nick hurt every time he looked at her. She had become attached to Ellie. 

 

* * *

 

“I thought you weren’t going to come back.” Nick sounded weary, shoulders falling at the sight of the mercenary’s shadow falling over him.

“I'm not that kind of guy.” Kellogg answered, delicately taking his hands as he strode into the building and right to Nick. 

“Could have fooled me.” Nick spoke with some trepidation, watching Kellogg approach inch by inch. “You should have warned me then.” He regarded the merc with heavily lidded eyes.* “Maybe I'd have turned you down a lot sooner.” 

Kellogg's mouth spread into a grin. “I don't think you have the will power.” 

“I did it once.” 

“Yeah, and then you let me fall in love with you. “ 

Nick straightened up at his choice of wording and sighed: “Yes, I'm sure it was all my fault.” 

The merc lifted Nick's hands to his lips, pressing his mouth to the underside of his hands. “‘M not demanding you take responsibility for this, babe.” 

His gaze raised to Kellogg's dark eyes. “Did you ever stop to think I don't like being called that.” 

“Didn't stop me the first time I said it.” The corner of Kellogg's lips quirked up and he let go of one of Nick's hands. “I think you like those cute little nicknames.” 

“There are very few things I like that seem to spring from ideas of yours.” 

“Oh?” Kellogg’s smile widened and Nick found himself comparing the image to that of a shark, chest tightening at the thought. “Sounds like there’s at least something I do that you like. Care to elaborate?”

Nick’s gaze flattened, and his fingers twitched against the mercenary’s palm. “Put that brain of yours to work.” 

“You say that like you know what I’ll say.” He lifted his chin, staring down the line of his nose at Kellogg’s expression.

“Do I? You’re not very difficult to read, Nick.” 

He frowned, lips pressed in a tight line. “I'm not an open book either.” 

Kellogg’s grin splintered and he took gentle hold of Nick's chin, voice quiet. “There's nothing you can think of?” 

Nick's face heated, and he leaned in close. Pressing their mouths together, Nick's fingers curled up to rest just at the nape of Kellogg’s neck. He took a breath, mouth never moving too far away,  their breath mingling. “Nothing at all.” 

Kellogg's lips quirked up in one corner. “Kiss me again and we'll see if your answer changes.” 

Nick held his dark gaze for a long moment before plunging on with it, mouth meeting Kellogg's with a force akin to a desperate need. It was only after they were both satisfied that Nick pulled back, mouths both slack. He rested his forehead against the mercenary’s, panting. “Still the same. Can't think of anything.” 

“We should fix that. Jog your memory, so to speak.” 

“Mm.” Nick didn't bother deigning that with a worded response. “Another terrible suggestion.” 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to porn hell

“Oh  _ fuck _ , Nicky, babe, you're so good.” He smoothed a hand up Nick's sticky chest, feeling the cacophonous thumping of his heart hollow in his chest. Nick's thighs flexed again when he bounced on the mercenary’s cock. Kellogg's calloused palms skimmed up his smooth legs, burning hot where they rested on Nick’s thighs. Just like how it was in the beginning, this heat melting through him like nothing else he could ever imagine. He wondered if it was just because of the time they spent separated, or if he was hooked on him once more. 

He was panting hard, hands claws at Kellogg's shoulders, as he rode him hard and fast. Mouth falling slack, Nick met his gaze and held it even as the heat in his chest flourished, going from an ember to a blaze. There was only one way he knew to abate the pain in his ribcage, and Nick pressed their mouths together. Kellogg's hand swiped along his jaw and their mouths melded at once, the detective's fingertips flexing and squeezing at his shoulders. He sniffed, lifting a hand to wipe at his face. 

“Are you crying?” Kellogg pressed the issue, thumb cascading up the side of his cheek just below his eye socket. 

“Does it matter?” 

“I'd damn well say so.” Kellogg leaned up on his elbows. “I wanna know if I'm hurting you, or if it's something else.”  

He considered it for a moment. “You're… you're not hurting me at all.” 

“Did you want me to?” Kellogg's fingers brushed down along the line of his Adam's apple, pausing only when Nick let out a full body shiver. “You know I'd hate to disappoint you, babe.” 

“ _ Don't call me that _ .” Nick's voice fell apart when he hissed the words, and Kellogg's fingers dropped from his throat immediately. 

Kellogg's lips pressed together tightly and he stared for a long moment, gaze unfocused and pointed toward the middle distance. He wet his lips with the tip of his tongue and his gaze clicked to Nick's like clockwork. 

He shoved Kellogg’s arm away, before turning from him and scrambling off the bed and into his clothes. 

“What kind of nicknames does the ghoul call you?” 

“It has nothing to do with him.” Nick was refusing to turn to face him once more. 

“That's bullshit, and you know it.” Kellogg reached out for his arm, tugging him in close again. Nick just let him pull, eyes settling closed when he was close again. “What does he call you?” 

“He doesn't do that.” Nick shook his head. “No nicknames, nothing.” 

“You sure?” 

“John’s not the type.” 

Kellogg scoffed under his breath. “What type is he then?” 

Nick let out a breath, his gaze dropping to where Kellogg's hand remained on his arm. “Why do you care?” 

“Do you just fuck him when you can't get to me?” Kellogg's voice dropped low, as if he were sharing a secret. “You don't love him. All three of us know that.” 

“I don't love  _ you _ either.” Nick's arm tensed into a fist.

“ _ Bullshit _ .” Kellogg let go as if he were burned. “That's the worst damn lie I've ever heard you say.” 

Nick's expression froze, before twisting. His shoulders sank, mouth paused in a pained frown. “What difference does it make, whether I love him or not? He's not here, and you are.” 

Kellogg's hand twitched at Nick's wrist, fingertips brushing the back of his hand. “Well, I'm not going anywhere anymore.” 

The breath that escaped him was shaky, and Nick turned to him in an instant. His mouth fell open and Kellogg took that moment to run his palm along the side of Nick's face. His eyes settled closed and Kellogg lifted his mouth to kiss him. It was gentle, but Nick trembled even so, head cocked to the side. 

His eyes opened slow, alighting on Kellogg's rough features. “That isn't what I'm afraid of.” 

“A hard boiled little detective like you doesn't get scared.” 

Nick scoffed, and kissed him again, letting his mouth linger. “Who are you calling little? I'm taller than you are.” 

“Don't change the subject. What are you so afraid of?” Kellogg's thumb followed the line of his bottom lip. “You're tougher than you'd like to admit. What's got you running scared?” 

“I,” Nick paused, taking a slow breath. “I'm not afraid of you leaving. I just don't want to think about what it means because you’re staying.” 

“Mm.” Kellogg gave a thoughtful response. “And why is that?” 

His gaze darted down Kellogg's face, and paused somewhere in the distance between them, staring at nothing. “You have no reason to stay beside me and  _ her _ .” Nick's hand crept up, carding his fingers through his hair, a nervous tic. “Not even the city is keeping you here.” 

“Why do you act like that's, I don't know, a  _ bad thing _ ?” He asked, and Nick closed his eyes before letting out a sigh as if it pained him, his back to Kellogg again. 

“You don't want to consider the future.” 

“No! I don't, it never even crossed my mind to consider any extended  _ relations _ with you or the consequences they may hold.” 

Kellogg snorted and shook his head, a bitter little smirk making its way across his face. His brow furrowed and he had to look at Nick for a long moment, giving him a piercing look. “ _ Relations _ , my ass. You know what you would do if I just up and left right now?” 

A low swoop of cold fear blossomed in the center of his chest and for a moment Nick couldn't catch his breath. “No, but I'm sure you’re going to tell me.” 

“You'll pine for weeks and weeks until you put all your detective resources together to hunt me down. Suffice it to say, I don't think I'd even try it. I know I'd hate leaving you alone with  _ John _ .” 

“Don't you  _ dare _ say that.” Nick had turned to face him again, breathing hard.

“And you'd leave our little girl in the company of some stranger--” 

“Ellie isn't a stranger!”

“--Just so you can reel me back in the same way you did every single  _ goddamn _ other time  _ because you can't stand to be alone anymore _ ! Because your ghoul friend isn't satisfying you the way I always do, or maybe because you never loved him!” 

Nick's breathing faltered and he knew Kellogg was right. Horribly horribly right. The cold feeling in his chest tightened and he was struggling to catch his breath again. Nick turned away, head bowed. His shoulders hunched. “You're right.” 

“What?” 

“You're right. You can't leave, and I couldn't let you leave either.” 

Kellogg’s mouth twitched, and Nick could tell he was fighting the urge to say something, probably to mention the way Nick avoided talking about Hancock. 

Nick swung his legs over the side of the bed, elbows on his knees, head cradled in his hands. “I can’t even deny it anymore.” 

Kellogg didn't say a word behind him, and the only clue he had to the merc's response was the way he shifted on the old mattress. 

“You can't just leave like that. Something would stop you every time. Whether it's me or Lenore. Doesn't matter.” 

He could feel the mercenary’s presence so close to his back. 

Kellogg's arm snaked around his waist. He could feel where the merc's chin dug into the meat of his shoulder in silent concentration. 

It was then that Nick realized he was still half hard against his back. Kellogg's skillful fingers worked into his open fly, before sliding lower, pressing one finger into the wet that remained, slicking up before plunging it into him. Nick's mouth opened in a silent gasp, and Kellogg's chin angled differently so he could press his mouth to the spot where his loose collar exposed the cords of Nick's throat. 

With a choked cry, Nick's voice wobbled: “O-oh, don't-- _ Nngh, ohgod _ \-- Don’t do this to me right now.” He covered his mouth, breathing fast as Kellogg fingered him good and slow.

“D’you think you could have loved him once?” 

Nick swallowed hard, producing words with some difficulty. “W-why are you asking me now?” 

“I'll get more honest answers that way.” Kellogg spoke against his throat, each single word a low rumble through his muscles and bones. He threatened to pull out and Nick's thighs flexed, body rejecting the way he intended to pull away. 

“I--  _ Ohh, don't stop, please--  _ I don't know. Maybe--C _ onrad, fuck--”  _ He lost his train of thought, focused on his pleasure. “Maybe once, a long time ago. He wasn't as irradiated back then. Handsome and he didn't even know it.” 

His hips rolled back against the solid wall of Kellogg, and he pushed back against Nick's ass. 

Kellogg seemed surprised he could string sentences together, but Nick switched positions as soon as he let his guard down, moving to straddle him. “To answer your question; no, I never fucked him. Certainly knew he wanted to, but never acted.” 

“Sounds familiar.” Kellogg answered, brushing his mouth to Nick's, and the detective caught his mouth with his own with a blazing intensity that hurt him somehow deep in his chest. 

Nick's movements were desperate, dragging the mercenary in closer, as if he needed him now more than ever.

He pulled the merc in down on top of him and Kellogg's hips pumped faster between his open thighs with a renewed fervor as the detective’s fingers clawed at his back. Their eyes held, gaze electric as he dragged Nick's orgasm out of him like a bullet out a gun. 

“Any changes to this body I'm holding you personally responsible for.” Nick bit back a sound when Kellogg pulled out, still hard. 

“Yeah, don’t think I don’t know that?” Their mouths crashed together, and Kellogg pulled back only for a second. “Where do you want it?” 

“What?” 

“You don’t want me to come in you. Where do you want it?” 

Kellogg didn't think the flush high on his cheeks that spilled down his chest, shirt open around it, could get any redder but it did. Nick swallowed before letting out a breath, avoiding his gaze with a vengeance. “Anywhere but my face.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Kellogg breathed, hips still rocking slow with each scrape of his swollen cock against the soft part of Nick's lower belly. He held his breath, listening to the way Nick's voice hitched as he reached out and ran a hand down the sticky slick of Kellogg’s erection. 

In a huff the merc's breath escaped him, his hips giving one or two erratic pumps at the sensation before he stilled himself. Kellogg brought his eyes to Nick's, holding it there. His mouth was open, breathing heavy. “I'm all yours, Nicky.” 

“That's what I’m afraid of.” Nick smoothed his palm along Kellogg's cock, easing his way into it. 

Kellogg didn't answer, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip as he rolled his hips toward Nick's hand. In an instant he was back on top of Nick. Letting the detective guide his movements, Kellogg was barely holding himself up as Nick sped up. His breathing quickened, and Nick ran his free hand up the length of Kellogg’s muscular chest, pausing at his jaw and pulling him in to kiss him. A choked sound came from Kellogg, who had let Nick take control of the whole situation, before he spilled out, coming in short jerky spurts just below Nick's chest. 

Nick's hand stopped and he let it drop without a word. Kellogg's face was pressed to the side of his head, breathing in the heady smoke smell that seemed to linger in his hair. His clean hand danced its way across the back of Kellogg's head and along the line of the back of his neck, before coming to rest just between his shoulder blades. 

“How did we get like this?” Nick wondered aloud. Kellogg wasn't going to answer, his mouth glued to the thumping pulse of Nick's throat. 

When the mercenary didn't speak, Nick continued. “Would you have done this, just like  _ this _ , if it was before all of this? Before Shaun, before Lenore, before the institute?” 

Kellogg considered his words, lifting his head to look at him. “Why does this seem like you're looking for a reason to be angry?” 

Nick searched his expression, gaze soft. “I'm not. I'm just… curious. Would you, if you had the opportunity?” 

“Do what? Leave myself at your mercy? Babe, I've done it. Let you have every part of me, and you know I don't regret that.” 

Nick's heart twinged at the nickname, and he took a pause. “It was different then.” 

“Yeah, no shit.” Kellogg scoffed. “Then Nora and her fancy little games had to tear everything up.” 

Nick's short nails were scratching gently down his back. “Yes. That she did.” 

He let the silence take over, just the sound of their breathing the only thing to be heard over the rattle of rain on the roof. 


	17. Chapter 17

 

Hours later, Nick was in that fugue state between sleep and wakefulness. Kellogg was looking at him, rough fingers coiled in his hair. He never even noticed anything different. 

“Are you still afraid?” 

Nick hesitated. It was all the merc needed to hear. “What can I do?” 

Nick's jaw tensed, and he couldn't help but frown. “Thinking you can do something to help might be one of the things that I hate about you.” He turned, back toward Kellogg. “I hate feeling like this.  _ Loving _ you is exhausting.” 

“Then don't. Hating me is just as good. It's nothing new, isn't it?” 

“I don't-- I  _ can't  _ bring myself to hate you.” Nick's shoulders tensed, and he almost jumped out of his skin when Kellogg reached out to touch his back, recoiling almost violently. “But loving you is something I just can't do like this. Not now anyway.” 

“I know. I get it.” He answered, his hand rubbing back and forth on his back. “I don't blame you either. 

Those words led Nick's shoulders to slump. “What  _ can _ you blame me for?” 

Kellogg didn't answer, hand slowing the way it smoothed back and forth between his shoulder blades. “What do you want me to blame you for?”

“Don't.” Nick stopped to look at him. “Don't ask any questions you're not going to want the answer to.” 

“Why is that?” Kellogg's eyes narrowed, and his thumb and forefinger gripped at Nick's chin to lift it. “Don't tell me you're having second thoughts already.” Kellogg's hand was unsteady, shaking.

“What's the matter with you?” Nick took hold of his wrist, holding his hand tight. The shaking stilled only a little. “Are you afraid?”

“Of you? No.” Kellogg's fingers dropped from his chin, and he studied the detective’s expression for a long moment. “You hate yourself. What you've become, and what you always have been. I know, I can see it. Monsters like us have to stick together, remember.” 

Nick's eyes widened and he dropped Kellogg's wrist immediately. “I don’t. It isn't hate. Disgust, anger. Jealousy, but not hate.” His gaze found Kellogg's. “You didn't answer my question.” 

“You're not gonna like the answer. Thought I'd spare you the details.” Kellogg's fingers twitched against his palm. He was anxious, Nick could just tell looking at him. 

“What's the matter?” Nick sounded less worried than he would have liked. Weariness permeated his words. 

Kellogg stared without saying one word, but his breathing choked up and his expression twisted into fury. “Why do you care?” 

“Shouldn't I care? You're the one hounding me for attention.” Nick's hand covered his cheek and Kellogg's eyes settled closed. He leaned in and pressed his mouth to Kellogg’s own lips, chastely lingering only for a heartbeat. His fingers lifted to meet Nick's cheek, holding his face against his palm and Nick's mouth close to his own. 

“Does it make you feel superior when you do that?” Kellogg's eyes opened to see Nick's face. “Lording your attention over me like a prize. You're just as sick as me.” 

Nick kissed him again, just to get him to shut up. His fingers were like claws at the back of Kellogg’s neck and head. The merc wrapped his arm around his waist, drawing him in closer. Nick wasn't going to appreciate that when he tried to pull back first. He wanted to see what Nick would do. 

The detective's hands slowly fell from the back of his head, taking their time and smoothing down his back at an angle. “Do you think I kiss you to get something I want?” 

“Why else would you bother?” Kellogg's mouth was still so close to his. 

“Don't flatter yourself.” Nick met his gaze, eyes heavily lidded. “Maybe you're just good at it.” He didn't want to admit the way he tasted was something Nick dreamt about, or the roughness of his lips on Nick's flesh, which Nick missed more than anything else. 

“What would I be getting here?” Nick spoke against his lips, before opening his mouth to the kiss, receptive in every way. The brush of Kellogg's scabbed knuckles against his cheekbone was exhilarating. “Did you think that I was using you?” 

“What else would you call it?” 

“A mutually beneficial entanglement?” 

“You scratch my back, I scratch yours kinda deal? Except instead, you're playing around in my  _ feelings  _ like some institute shrink.” 

“Hm.” He let out a sound, neither conceding or disagreeing with his words. “The only reason you don't have both hands around whatever you want to call my emotions, is because I won't let you do that to me.” 

“Might wanna level the playing field.” Kellogg ran his short nails through the hair behind Nick's ear. “You don't want to play hardball with me.” 

“Is that a threat?” 

“More like a warning. You don't want to do this.” 

“Try me.” Their noses were almost touching, and Nick's voice was a low rumble in his chest. 

Kellogg’s arms flexed and the muscles bulged as he threw Nick onto the bed, crossing the space between them in the amount of time it took for Nick to know what had happened. He closed his fist around both of Nick's wrists, holding his arms above his head. With a metallic click, he realized the merc handcuffed him to the headboard, both hands above his head. 

“You're not running from the conversation this time. Tell me why you’re doing this, all of  _ this _ .” He gestured between the two of them. “You can't flip flop on this anymore.” 

Nick rattled the chain looped around the headboard, grasping at them with his hands. “This is your idea of hardball?” 

Kellogg grit his teeth, tearing into Nick's calves with his fingers. “What do I mean to you?” 

Nick froze. “Giving me the real third degree here. Do all of your interrogations go this way?” 

He searched Nick's expression for a long moment. “Stop with the jokes.” 

The mercenary forced their mouths together, and Nick couldn't help but moan, tipping his head to the side and opening his mouth to him. The way he pressed in closer was seeking, tender in a way, and still so desperate. When Kellogg pulled back he refused to meet Nick with his eyes, working his mouth like the words he left unsaid were sour. 

Nick's mouth fell open, breath coming hard. “What are you trying to prove by handcuffing me to the bed?” 

Kellogg let out a breath, still not lifting his gaze. “I want you to look at me, and tell me what you get out of this if it isn't emotional satisfaction. I want to see what happens when you lie to me.” 

Nick's eyes widened, and he leaned back against the stiff pillow. “Everything I am today I can blame on you. It would be so much easier to hate you, but that would mean I could never see you again. I'd never be able to bring myself to let you into this building.” His hands clenched into fists behind the headboard, and his eyes closed. “I can't raise Lenore alone, not when every time I look at her I can't  _ stop _ thinking about you.” 

Kellogg settled back on the edge of the bed. He let out a bitter exhale but listened nonetheless. “It isn't you lying to me that I'm afraid of, it's that I'll believe it without batting an eye.” 

“That's  _ your _ problem then, isn't it?” Nick opened his eyes to look at him again. 

“Why are you so defensive?” He had shifted, the weight of his knees making Nick sink into the mattress on one side. Nick didn't know what to expect, trying to regulate his breathing so the merc didn't know what he was feeling. 

“As if I'll let you in on the way my thoughts are going right about now?“ 

“If you aren't going to tell me I can leave right now. Been considering heading out again for another year. I'll leave the handcuff key right here so you can get out, but not until I'm out of here.” 

“Don't!” The panic in Nick's voice was palpable. “Please,  _ don't. _ ” 

“Oh?” He cocked his head toward Nick, listening carefully. “Why not?” 

“I…” Nick's expression folded into a frown and he knew with a sinking feeling Kellogg had him. “I can't stand it when you're not here.” 

“There it is.” He leaned in, his hand right between Nick's where they hung, still handcuffed to the bed. “And why is that?” 

His brow knit together and he let out a weary sigh. “I need you more than anything else.” 

That led him to crack a grin, moving in to kiss him deeply. Nick didn't resist, instead opening his mouth to him, pulling on the handcuffs to get even closer to him. “I want that emotion you keep managing to tear out of me. I want everything.” 

“You have it. You got my everything.” Nick answered blandly, not even looking at him.

Kellogg leaned in, looking down at his face. “You can't lie to me, Nick. I didn't think you'd even try.” 

“It isn't as if you'd kill me if I did, I just don't have any reason to.” 

Kellogg paused, fingers on the handcuff key. “No reason at all.” 

Nick's gold eyes flickered up to look at him, then back down as if thinking better of it. 

“If I let you out, what are you going to do?” 

He moved his lips as if considering a response but the words never came. Kellogg noticed and stared, before closing his fist around the key. He tossed it at Nick, not bothering to watch as it bounced off his chest and landed beside him. “You can sit here and wait for your friend to get back. Or you can hope  _ John _ will save you.” The merc swung the coat over his shoulders and pulled the door open. 

Nick's chest was heaving and it took every inch of his willpower not to let Kellogg know how much it hurt. “Don't be the bastard everyone takes you for,”

That gave him pause, and Kellogg's hand froze on the doorframe. “What?” 

“I've seen who you are. And leaving right now is not something you want to do.” 

“No.” He snorted. “It isn't. That's why it needs to be done.” 

Nick took a breath and Kellogg could hear the way he shook. He pressed against the doorframe, peering in at him from around the wall. “I don't want you to go.” 

“Finally, some honest answers.” Kellogg spit, and Nick's breathing hitched. “You lie to me again, I'm out the door.” 

“Please.” Nick swallowed, and Kellogg cocked his hip against the wall, leaning against it right by the bed. 

“Please what?” 

“Don't go.” 

“Why?” Kellogg crossed his arms over his chest. 

“You have a life here. You have Lenore, you have me.” 

“Some prize.” Kellogg scoffed. “Are you trying to convince yourself?” He crossed the room in two quick strides, coming back to the bed. “I can get somebody just as good in every town from here to California.” 

Nick frowned. “You said it yourself, nobody's as good as me.” 

“Oh yeah? Prove it.” He unlocked the handcuffs. Kellogg watched as Nick reeled him in by the collar, crashing their mouths together hard enough to hurt. His seeking fingers clutched at Kellogg's face, breathing hard as he kissed him. 

He shoved Nick down on the bed, his back hitting the mattress, before shoving his legs apart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time to cockblock my readers lmfao also anyway kellogg has ocd and major anxiety issues /fingerguns


	18. Chapter 18

 

It was dawn when Nick roused, and it was to the sound of Ellie's panicked voice. “I can't find Lenore.” 

Nick sat up, breath catching in his throat. He shoved into his clothes, and confronted Ellie. 

“She can't have gone far, she's so little.” 

Still, seeing Ellie so worried had his chest clenching soon enough. “That's what I’m afraid of.” She answered, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Nick's mouth curled into a frown immediately upon realizing one fact; that Kellogg was gone too. “I know where she is.”  

* * *

 

The door to Kellogg's house was locked, as it usually was. As it always would be. This wasn't anything unusual, but at the same time bringing his hand to the handle made his stomach twist into knots. If he knocked, it would seem like a pleasant call and he didn't want Kellogg to even think of it like that. 

Nick ended up knocking anyway. After the second knock, the door opened and Kellogg was standing there. 

“You made pretty good time tracking me. You should do this for a living.” He teased, looking him over. “What, did you need a good lay?” 

“You know exactly why I'm here, Kellogg.” 

“Do I?” Kellogg had the door mostly closed to Nick, blocking the space between with his body. 

“Where's my daughter? Where is Lenore?” 

“How many times am I gonna have to deal with upset parents,” He rolled his eyes and moved to close the door on Nick. He wedged in between Kellogg and the door, their bodies touching. 

“You heard me, you goddamn jackass. Where is she?” 

Kellogg grabbed him by the collar. “You forfeited your right to her when I left. You got your old life back. Are you happy now?”

Nick shrugged from his grip. “What did you do to her?” 

“Nothing.” Kellogg's hands fell to his sides, and he looked to Nick wearily, and his words bespoke of the pain that rocketed through him at the sight of Nick like that. “If I prove she's fine, will you leave?”

“You can't keep her.”

“I’m her  _ father _ .” 

“That doesn't mean anything.” Nick shouldered past him, and stopped short in his tracks upon seeing Lenore fine and happy wheeling a toy truck around her feet where she was sitting on the floor. 

“I told you, she's  _ fine _ .” Kellogg answered, and the sound of his voice led Lenore to look up. Her expression lit up at the sight of Nick but she didn't run to him. “You didn't want her, remember? She's safe here. I'm….” He sighed, and his shoulders fell. “I'm not going anywhere either.” 

Nick stiffened and closed his eyes tight. “Was this something you just decided last night?” 

“Does it matter? She's safe, she's happy, and you never have to see the either of us again if you don't want to. I know I wouldn't blame you. Both Lenore and I fucked your life beyond repair.” 

All the air rushed out of him with a whoosh. “Will you stay here, in Diamond City?” 

Kellogg approached him again, but stopped short just before touching him. “The real question is, do you want me to?” 

He looked the merc up and down, gold eyes steely. “It isn't my decision anymore.”

Stop being so  _ goddamn _ avoidant.” Kellogg responded angrily, and Lenore jumped when he raised his voice, before she pouted, expression giving way to tears. 

“ _ You're the one that ran away!”  _ Nick snapped, throat feeling tight. Between them, Lenore had started to cry, standing up with her hands over her ears. 

Kellogg pressed his mouth into a terse line but didn't speak loudly in response, throat working like he was trying not to spit any more vitriol in Nick's face. “You're scaring her.” 

“ _ You're  _ the one scaring her.” Nick frowned, bitterly staring Kellogg's direction as the toddler automatically reached with grasping hands for the mercenary. He lifted her in his arms and she quieted, grabbing at his shirt in her little fist. 

Somewhere in Nick's chest there was a small sting of feeling betrayed by his own child. 

“Stop. Go home. We’re done here. If you want to come back another time,” a sigh interjected his words. “Fine.” Kellogg took a glance to Lenore before turning back toward Nick. “But don't expect me to drop everything when you do.” 

“I--” Nick began, then paused. “I, uh, won't.” He cast a look at the mercenary before gathering his courage and speaking up. “I didn't lie to you.” 

“Right, and if I look outside right now we’ll be in Oz, too. I'm not going to listen to this, Nick. You want me to believe you, then prove it.” 

Nick considered it for a moment, then, none too hastily, lifted Kellogg's face to meet his own. “If I never let you leave, you wouldn't have been happy. But you're not happy now either, are you?” 

Kellogg refused to look directly at him, rolling his eyes away. “Get to the point.” 

“You say you love me, but it's not the truth, not  _ your _ truth, anyway.” Nick's voice was soft, and Kellogg's gaze shifted his direction. “You want me. I know that, I understand it. But,” His fingers lifted to the ragged surface of Kellogg's face, scraping through his facial hair. “You can't seem to figure out how you want me.” 

“I  _ know  _ how I want you.” Kellogg answered, catching him by surprise. “I'm not expecting you to get it. I don't know if I would even want you to.” 

“Care to enlighten me?” Nick's fingers traced the scars that littered his face, and Kellogg covered his hand with his own, leaning into his touch. 

Nick leaned in, surging toward him at once and caught his mouth with his own. Kellogg relaxed, letting Nick kiss him. 

“You're doing it again. Trying to ply answers out of me with attention.” Kellogg spoke as soon as Nick pulled back to breathe, resting his cheek against Kellogg's own. 

“Is it working?” Nick asked. 

“Don't ask me. Just.” Kellogg put his mouth to Nick's again. “Don't talk, please. Not right now.” 

Nick obliged, his other hand coming up to rest on Kellogg's side, just above where his arm went around Lenore to hold her close. 

He eased into kissing him, taking it slow and easy. Kellogg looked at him without moving a muscle for a long few moments after Nick had pulled back again. Lenore shifted in his arms, and put a small hand to Nick's face. He couldn't help but crack a smile at that and when the detective caught a glimpse of his face Nick's lips curled into a smile too. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her palm, and she squealed in delight, a rapturous giggle escaping her as his dry lips tickled the soft skin of her hand. 

“Did you want to go just yet?” Kellogg asked. “It's getting dark.” 

“I'll be fine.” 

“That isn't what I mean.” He responded quietly. “Can you stay?” 

Nick's eyes shot up to his, widening. “I thought you wanted me to go.” 

“I can't fight with you anymore. You're using me up.” 

“Mmhm.” Nick gave a halfhearted answer. “I can stay. Just for tonight.” 


	19. Chapter 19

It was cramped in his bed, despite the large mattress. Especially when Lenore was between them, sleeping soundly. Nick found himself meeting Kellogg's eyes in the silence of his loft bedroom. Neither of them were talking, but the way Kellogg's hand was cautiously smoothing the back of Lenore’s clothes as she slept on was hypnotic. He covered Kellogg's hand with his own and the merc laced their fingers together. He didn't blink, nor did he let him know his reaction, the way he recoiled inside, from himself, and from Kellogg.

“For starters, you can stop being so antsy around me. I'm not going to bite your head off. At least not now, not like this.”

Lenore yawned in her sleep and shifted but did not wake.

“When you asked me to stay, I expected you to end up sleeping with me.”

“Not with Lenore here.” He answered, noting how relieved and disappointed Nick sounded. “I thought you didn't want that anyway.”

“I don't. I didn't.” Nick let out a quiet breath. “I like this. The quiet, just lying here like this. I love it. I love you.”

“Is this what it takes to get you to say it?”

Nick clammed up immediately. His mouth twisted and he stared up at the ceiling. “Why are you obsessed with getting me to say it?”

He shifted onto his side, leaning on his elbow to face Nick. “You said it once, then you took it back. What’ll it take for you to mean it?”

Nick glanced his way, his face flushed. “You never believe me when I tell you I do.”

“Bullshit.” Kellogg hissed, and Nick turned his head. “You want me to believe you, then don't play around.”

“If anyone’s playing--” Nick stopped short, before closing his eyes, and exhaling slowly. He swore under his breath before opening his eyes again. “ _No_ , I'm not going to argue this one point over again.”

“Then stop putting up walls around you. Let me in for once.”

Nick's expression twisted deeper into a frown. “You snuck in like a thief. I'm not letting you back in when you've already known everything there was to know about me.”

“That isn't what I mean and you know it.” Kellogg's tone was unsettlingly even. “What's it gonna take?”

He lowered his gaze, eyes heavily lidded. “Lenore loves you.”

“Don't change the subject.”

“She's better off with somebody that wants her.”

“Nick, are you serious? You're just saying that to get me to back off.” Kellogg sat up.

The jostling of the bed woke the toddler up and she stirred, before looking between them. Her face scrunched up before she let out a stifled wail, disoriented upon waking. They both froze in an instant, before Nick sat up and took her into his arms, cradling her close to his chest where she settled back down.

“What happened to _better off with somebody that wants her_?” Kellogg asked, crawling in closer to the detective seated smack dab in the center of the bed, coming up behind him and sitting. Nick lifted his face to look at him but didn't respond, arms around Lenore, who had fallen back asleep.

“She needs you just as much as I do.” Nick spoke quietly, fingers threading through her soft dark hair.

He could feel Kellogg's arms coiling loosely around his waist, and the merc rested his chin on his shoulder again, holding Nick close. His eyes fell closed and he leaned his head back against Kellogg's collarbone. The domesticity of this little scene was tearing his chest apart, and he couldn't handle it. Nick turned his head, lifting his hand to Kellogg’s cheek and putting his mouth to the mercenary's. It was tender in a way that hurt worse, Nick's nerves all ablaze, like an open wound. “One happy little family.” He murmured, voice catching in his throat.

“Don't. It's only gonna make this harder when you have to leave tomorrow.” Kellogg muttered in his ear, barely cognizant. He sounded half asleep.

“What makes you think I want to leave?”

Kellogg didn't respond, his nose nudging the edge of Nick's jaw. He was nodding off like that.

He sighed, shifting their weight so they both toppled onto their sides. Kellogg was still right up against him, arms tight around his waist. He wasn't letting Nick go any time soon. It still ached terribly, the tight feeling in Nick's chest not letting up at all as he pressed his face close to Nick's back. Nick bowed his head, trying to put the thoughts out of his mind and attempt to catch some sleep before anything else happened. In the end, sleep was a hard time coming. The weight of Kellogg against his back, arms tight around his middle, hurt. He closed his eyes tight, breathing painfully. “Are you asleep?”

He sighed quietly against Nick's shoulder. So that was a yes.

He rolled over to face the mercenary, placing Lenore carefully between them. Kellogg's eyelids twitched when he realized Nick's warmth was no longer so close but he remained asleep. Nick leaned in to kiss him, knowing he wouldn't have been able to react. Sickened by his own reasoning, and more than just a little bit at the lack of response from the sleeping merc, he moved in closer. Their legs were angled together, and Nick reached across the mattress to touch his face. Kellogg took hold of his wrist automatically, as if by sheer instinct upon feeling skin contact. His eyes blinked open in the dark, as if realizing where he was. “Don't do that.”

Nick didn't bother drawing his hand back, instead just looking at him for a silent minute.

“Let me guess. It'll make it harder in the morning?”

Kellogg let go of his palm with an indecisive sound, letting Nick's hand come to rest on his cheek. “You're going to go back home without Lenore and without me tomorrow. We’re not going anywhere, but we can't just stay with you. _I_ can't do it, you can't do it. Lenore deserves better.”

Nick's expression folded but his fingers traced Kellogg's jaw. “Is this goodbye then or an invitation to come back again?”

“It's whatever you want it to be.” He murmured, voice a low rumble. “Can't leave the city with a two year old in tow.”

Nick's lips twitched, and he covered Kellogg's mouth with his fingertips, feeling his warm breath. The merc shifted, rolling onto his stomach and pulling his pillow closer, clutching it in his fist, a perfect mirror image to the child beside him. Nick paused, waiting until Kellogg had fallen back asleep, before sitting up quietly. Neither the mercenary nor the toddler stirred and Nick let out a breath, gathering his things and showing himself out.

* * *

 

When he finally closed the door of his office behind him, Nick tilted his head back, face twisting into something pained. He covered his face with his hands, and took a ragged breath. Back sliding down the door, he fell to the floor, knees gathered up close to his chest, head cradled in his palms.

Kellogg would be waking up alone in the morning, because he was too much of a coward to see it through. His chest grew tight and he pressed the fleshy part of his palms to his eyes, mouth open in a grimace. It hurt to even think about the merc, and _Lenore_. She didn't deserve any of this, any of the idiotic petty squabbles between them, any of the painful fights they inevitably would get into. He hated Kellogg just as much as he loved him, but it ached to admit it.

The sun was coming up, and Nick closed his eyes tight, expecting _something_ but he didn't know what. He still remained right there by the door, unable to bring himself to move. It was a solemn quiet that had built up in the office, and Nick hated it more than anything else. He wondered what Hancock was doing, if he was happy wherever he was. Nick let his hands slide down his face, arms coming to rest on his crooked knees. His thoughts turned to Lenore, whether she would be happier without him. He was afraid the answer would be yes. 


	20. Chapter 20

“She doesn't talk.” Kellogg answered the door with that statement. 

“I know. Ellie was working on that.” Nick squeezed past him, into the front room of his shack. 

“Huh.” Kellogg watched as Lenore turned her attention to him, chewing nonchalantly on a toy as her wide eyes followed him. “Not much progress.”

“No.” Nick sighed, sinking into a chair beside Kellogg. “Didn't get very far. Stubborn little thing. Wonder where she gets it from.” 

Kellogg's eyebrows raised and he shot Nick a look. “I figure if she wants to talk she will. If not, then we can manage something else.” 

“Mm. Do you think so?” Nick cast a sideways look his direction, catching Kellogg in the act of meeting Lenore’s gaze and pulling a face. She giggled and covered her mouth, letting the toy drop and roll out of her reach. 

“It's not like she can't make any sounds. She just doesn't want to.” Kellogg shifted, reaching out and taking the toy off the floor, giving it back to her. 

“No, doesn't seem like it.” Nick leaned down, giving the toddler his full attention. The merc glanced his way, a little smirk quirking his lip up. 

“Do you talk to her?” 

“Hard to hold a conversation with a baby.” 

“You know what I mean.” Nick scowled in response. 

“Yeah. Guess you can call it that. Isn't that right, kiddo?” 

Lenore clapped her hands together and laughed, shrieking. A weak smile crossed Nick's face and he let out a sigh. “We can't really do anything else but try to get her to talk.” 

"I don't hear you coming up with any suggestions on how to do that." 

Nick fell quiet. "Ellie was working on it," he repeated, and that was that.

* * *

 

 

Hours passed, and he found himself climbing the stairs to Kellogg’s loft bedroom. It was silent, the shack feeling huge and empty without him there. The merc was out Doing Business, as he called it, and Nick was there alone. He had brought Lenore home, back to Ellie for the night. It was the mercenary’s suggestion, God only knew what he was planning then. Nick's mouth was dry as he picked up the book lying there by the merc’s bed. Curiosity overtook him and he staggered down the stairs again before he sank down into the merc’s arm chair, flipping through it. It's cover was singed to hell and back but the pages were pristine, creamy white and soft. He managed to swallow hard, thumbing through the pages. Images of Diamond City, viewed from the western stands, several desert landscapes he didn't recognize, and one picture of Lenore as a baby. His fingers dragged through the images, leaving only the slightest smear. He had started drawing in pencil instead of charcoal it seemed. Nick wondered if Kellogg was just sick of the mess it made or if pencils just traveled better. 

The last picture before the rest of the book was blank was an image of himself, and Nick was surprised at how little dread he felt at looking at it. He studied the drawing. It looked to be from memory, and just staring at it made his chest clench and ache. 

He didn't hear the door open or Kellogg come up behind him until he asked “What are you doing?”

Nick dropped the book into his lap. “You're talented.” 

“Mmhm. You're not just saying that because I caught you snooping, right?” Kellogg sounded amused, leaning against the back of Nick's chair right behind his head. 

“I mean it.” Nick held the book to his chest. 

“That last one I drew when I couldn't stand being away for so long.” 

Nick swallowed the lump that had arisen in his throat, fingers twitching across the burnt cover. “It's good.” 

“Not as good as the real thing.” Kellogg answered, and a quick embarrassed smile, too quick for Kellogg to see, crossed Nick's face before it was gone in a flash. He was threading his fingers through Nick's hair, and the detective tilted his head back to look at him. Kellogg took that chance to kiss him, curling his fingers under his chin. Nick opened his mouth to the kiss, hand coming up to clutch at the back of Kellogg's neck.

“I'm glad you didn't draw me while I slept.” Nick added, fingertips resting along the nape of his neck. 

“I know you don't  _ like _ it.” Kellogg answered, tone teasing. “Especially now. 

“No.” Nick breathed, his face ghosting closer to the mercenary's. His eyes settled closed. “You make it sound like I'm being unreasonable here.”

Kellogg's mouth twitched and he loomed in closer, lips brushing Nick's each time he spoke. “Aren't you, though? Is it a crime to draw you? Gonna arrest me?” 

“No,” he muttered again, flushed, and pulled him in for a slow kiss. 

When Kellogg pulled back, he was grinning.

“Damn. I was looking forward to the handcuffs.” 

Nick colored, not willing to meet his gaze. Kellogg came around the chair, on his knees in front of him. “Better make due with what I have already then.” 

He couldn't help but reach out, touching Kellogg’s shoulders as he worked Nick's trousers open, tugging them unceremoniously down past his thighs just far enough he could wedge between Nick's knees. 

“Let me know if you need me closer.” Kellogg ran his rough palms along the inside of Nick's thighs, hooking Nick's knees over his shoulders. 

“I need you  _ somewhere  _ but you're dawdling.” 

His eyebrows raised and he gave Nick a cruel grin. “Oh,  _ babe _ , I can do dawdling. You haven't seen me try to drive you crazy like that yet.” 

He shivered at the threat, reaching down and dragging his fingertips through his wetness. “Don't even think about it. I'll hate you if you leave me like this.” 

“Mmm,” Kellogg's grin turned roguish, and he leaned in, so close, so careful, and gave his clit a little flick. He gasped louder than the merc was expecting, and that got him to press in closer, stroking and teasing him as he went. 

“You're such a bastard,” Nick whined, head rolling back on his shoulders. “Please, quit taunting me, and give me the main event.” 

“Mmn, nope. Gonna stretch this out long as I can.”

He let out a shuddering moan, thighs flexing on Kellogg's shoulders when he pressed two fingers into him, tongue lathing perfect strokes on his clit. Nick's hand dug into the back of his head, and he leaned back against the chair, other hand grasping at the top of it, desperate for something to hold onto. 

He whined under his breath, thighs flexing again,  when the merc pulled back, giving the inside of his leg a little pat. “Hold on a sec. I think I prefer you on the bed.” 

“Yeah?” Nick asked, panting. “Just gonna stop til I move?” 

“I can carry you instead.” 

Nick's face, flushed and angry, stared pointedly at him. 

“I'm not hearing a no.” He gathered the detective in his arms and lifted him in a princess carry. “Shit, since when were you  _ this _ light?”

Nick let out a gasp and took hold of his neck, despite his silent protests. “Don't you dare drop me.” 

“Wouldn't dream of it.” Kellogg carted him up the stairs like a ragdoll, before he deposited him on the mattress. “Surprised you even let me pick you up.” 

Nick was frowning, embarrassed to Hell, but he was lounging on the bed, sitting up on his elbows. “Get in here and sleep with me before I change my mind.” 

“I'm just admiring the view.” 

Nick averted his gaze, face burning. “Like what you see?” 

“Mm. Not the worst thing I could settle on.” 

“What a flatterer.” He spit, leaning in when Kellogg's knee sank into the mattress beside him. “What's the worst thing then?” 

Kellogg laughed and pressed in close, the heat of him intoxicating. Nick's fingers danced up the length of his muscular arms, coming to rest on the line of his shoulder. “I'll tell you when I see it.” 

His knees drew up close to his body and Kellogg hoisted him cradled in the crook of his thick thighs, Nick's legs spread across them. His chin settled on the cord of the mercenary’s neck, and Kellogg rocked into him easily. His mouth opened in a silent oh, hands looped just behind his arms. He had pulled Nick into his lap, balancing him easily on his thighs as he thrust into him. Kellogg shoved him to the bed, hands cradling his back as he took his time rolling his hips to meet the dripping crux between Nick's legs. He moaned against the flushed sticky skin of Nick's chest, pressing open sloppy kisses to the spot between his nipples before taking the fleshy part of his chest into his mouth and biting down. A choked gasp came from Nick and he clung to him, hands grasping at the back of his head. He sucked, leaving behind a darkening bite mark on Nick's pec. 

“Oh,” he groaned, sinking his teeth into another bare spot at the base of Nick's throat, opposite to the place he had been scarred. A cry burst from him and his legs crossed over Kellogg's back, fingers curling around his shoulders, holding Kellogg close, clenching around him when the merc's teeth bruised his skin. “You're gonna come, I can feel it. Want me to talk you through it?” 

Nick shivered, feeling the low rumble of Kellogg’s voice through his teeth and bones. “You'll do it anyway.”

A ragged grin curled Kellogg's lips and he left another bruising suck mark at the side of Nick's throat. “Can't blame me there.” He murmured, mouth following the line of his chest. He pressed a sweet kiss just to the side of his nipple, then swiped his tongue over it before taking it into his mouth, teeth digging in but never breaking the skin.  

Nick's eyes shut tight and he moaned lewdly, spiraling into pleasure, body hot and so close. Kellogg's thrusts grew erratic, sharp and angled, as he drew up close, ready to come. A few more shaky thrusts, thighs trembling with each wet press closer, and the merc spilled out inside him. 

The sensation led Nick to tense and he let out a shuddering moan, rolling his hips up toward the intrusion, catching his release deep inside. Seconds later, he came, trembling and shaking, spasming around the merc's cock as it softened. 

Nick's head fell back against the pillow, dark hair falling in curls across his forehead, laced with silver. He was breathing hard, chest heaving, shiny with sweat. Kellogg pulled back slow, letting the cool air hit his overheated body. He was breathing fast as well, shoulders loose and relaxed as he looked Nick over. The detective absently traced the bite mark on his chest, still shaking from overexertion. 

“Gonna wanna see somebody about that.” Kellogg sniffed, wiping at his face. “Couldn't pull out very well.” 

Nick's eyes fluttered closed. “It's fine.” 

He studied the detective’s expression, before crawling down beside him. “You sure?” 

He nodded, catching his breath. Kellogg frowned, but didn't remark any further. Nick turned to face him, pressing their chests together as he looped his arms around Kellogg's neck. The merc's arms slowly wrapped around him.

“Can I call you Connie?” Nick's fingers traced over the scar down across his eye. He flinched, one short instant that made Nick frown. “Promise I won't drop dead anytime soon.” 

“Don't.” Kellogg murmured, eyes locking onto his expression. Nick was leaning against him, body pressed to his. “If I had my way, you wouldn't ever have called me that.” 

“It's your name, isn't it?” 

“ _ Yes _ ,” he ground out, “but--” 

“But?” Nick tapped his fingers against the cord of muscle of Kellogg’s collarbone. “You don't  _ like  _ the name.” 

He held his tongue, tilting his head back. 

“You call me every damn little nickname under the sun. The least I could do is return the favor.” Nick shifted, chest to chest with the merc. “It suits you anyway. Sarah was right.” 

Kellogg took a breath. “Not that it matters anyway. She's been dead for years.” 

Nick frowned, and didn't respond, his cheek resting on the rough surface of his shoulder. “So have I.” 

The merc stopped, breath stifled. “That was long before all of this.” 

“I know.” 

“Doesn't change a damn thing. Don't you say that again.” 

Nick made a soft sound, conceding his words. “I can't promise it.” 

That got a sick look out of the mercenary, and Kellogg paled. “I said  _ don't.”  _

“Do you think I'll just let you tell me what to do?” Nick pressed their mouths together, speaking against the chapped surface of his lips. He took hold of the back of Nick's neck with both his hands, thumbs closing over his throat, but he didn't squeeze. Nick covered his hand on one side with his own, giving him a challenging look. 

“Are you threatening me?” 

Kellogg's hands loosened but didn't drop, and he gave Nick a hesitant kiss. “You can't  _ threaten _ me with my name like that.” 

“Oh, I was the one threatening  _ you _ ?” Nick asked, taunting. 

Kellogg frowned, gaze searching as he stared at Nick's face, eyes narrowed. “Do you think it's  _ funny _ ?” 

“I'm not going to  _ die _ because I called you that.” Nick insisted, fingers closing around his hand. “That isn't how any of this works.” 

He let out a long shaky breath when Nick regarded him coldly. “Please, don’t.“ 

Nick's shoulders fell. “I…“ 

“No, I get it.” Kellogg replied, mouth pressed together tightly. “Doesn't matter.” 

“That really riles you up, doesn't it?” Nick asked, both hands on Kellogg's own, at his throat.

Kellogg didn't answer. The cold feeling in his chest, dancing up the back of his spine, was distracting, anxiety building into some monolithic thing that crashed over him in waves. 

“You're trembling again.” Nick said, studying his expression. “You're afraid of nothing. I'm not going to get hurt or die because I said some nickname.” 

Kellogg grit his teeth, fingers twitching. “You're one to talk. Every single person that called me Connie died the first second when I wasn't there to protect them!” 

“You're not intending to leave again, so it doesn't matter.” 

His breathing grew stifled and he dropped Nick as if burned. “You just don't want to understand.” 

Nick pulled off of him and sat on the bed beside him. “Then explain to me, in concrete terms, why.” 

“I don't know. I can't do it.” 

“You’re a coward,’ Nick muttered under his breath, and the room grew colder, and fell silent for the rest of the night.


	21. Chapter 21

Nick awoke to find Kellogg was awake first, lying on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. He shifted and rested the side of his head on the lower part of Nick's abdomen. Nick's fingers touched his cheek, palm coming to rest on Kellogg's side. 

“Think it'll end up sticking around again?” 

“What do you mean?” 

He curled his hand around the careful swell of Nick's stomach. “Been a while, huh?”

“Don't even suggest it.” 

“Mhm. And if I'm right?” 

“You aren't.” Nick crooked his knee to get more comfortable. “You can't be.” 

“What reason would that be? You didn't bother seeing anybody about it all, not even when I finished inside you.” 

“I told you it was okay.” 

“Why?” Kellogg asked, “Do you think it'll soften the blow if one of us ends up leaving?” 

“No. That's not it.”

“Uh-huh.” He added, scoffing. “A baby isn't gonna get me to stay. You learned that the hard way the first time.” 

“I don't have any  _ ulterior motive _ , Conrad. I just.” He paused, holding his tongue. “Never mind. It's stupid.” 

“No. Go on.” Kellogg answered, voice clipped. “What is it that's important that you need to get knocked up for?”

Nick froze. “You want a family. I was thinking.”

“A dangerous pastime.” Kellogg remarked. “You want to be some happy family with me, you, and two kids, maybe a  _ dog _ .” He was mocking him now, Nick could tell. 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“Depends on how much a masochist you are.” 

“Enough that I'd even consider it.” Nick answered. “But I'd know if I were.” 

“Would you though?” Kellogg gave him a tentative smile, and he didn't bother returning it. “If I had my choice, I don't think I'd want anything  _ resembling _ a family. Not anymore. But it's not my choice, and it never was.” 

Nick rolled over away from him. “Too late for second guessing it anyway. Family found you instead.” 

He scoffed, covering his eyes with his arm slung over his face. “If you ask me to move into some shitty little house with a picket fence and a dog, I'll leave you.”  Nick couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. 

“Diamond City is safe enough. Have to give credit where credit is due.” Nick rolled to face him. 

Kellogg didn't respond, so Nick kept going: “I know that's what you're afraid of.” His fingers swept across the merc's chest, to get his attention, but Kellogg held his place. “All the locks. When you have to get up to check on them every hour on the hour.” 

Kellogg closed his eyes. “I have to do it anyway. Even if the damn place is safer than anywhere else. If I don't, I'll….” He trailed off, unable to give words to the thought he had. 

He shifted to take a look at him, and Kellogg lifted his arm to meet his gaze. He searched Nick's expression, face blank. “You don't get it, do you?” 

“I understand. I… I don't feel the same, but I get it.” 

Kellogg sat up, and Nick's fingers touched his collarbone for a brief moment. “It's not something I can exactly change easily.” 

“I shouldn't have said anything about it.” Nick said, gaze falling away. He lifted the detective’s chin and pressed a chaste peck to his lips, before sagging where he sat, shoulders falling. 

“No, you really shouldn't have.” 

Nick’s hands followed the curve of his throat as he spoke, coming to rest nestled in his beard, the sensation of the scratching roughness on his palms grounding in a way. He leaned in for a second, but drew back, hesitating, before pressing close again and kissing the mercenary. It lasted a good few seconds, Nick's fingers curling around the edges of his jaw, mouth lingering long enough to make his chest ache. 

“I can't apologize for it.” Nick replied, quietly. “But I can try to promise I won't let myself get hurt.” 

“Can't promise anything like that. A lot of good it'll do.”

“Would that help?” 

He snorted. “ _ Hell no. _ You think that'll stop me from feeling like shit every time you're not here and I can't tell if you're safe or not?” 

Nick fell silent, just staring at him. “Do.. you really worry about me?” 

Kellogg's voice was low again, and Nick took a breath. “I can’t lose you. I'm not letting you die on me too.” 

He let out the breath he took, and Nick's gaze dropped. Kellogg looked at him and shifted his hands over Nick’s own. His fingers curled around Nick's wrists, but he didn't pull his hands back. “Don't… don't say anything about this. It's hard enough telling you.” 

Nick was quiet. He didn’t respond quickly, instead taking his time. “If it takes you long enough to realize I'm not going anywhere, then let it happen.”

Kellogg's mouth curled into a frown, but he didn't take his hands away yet. “You say you get it but you don't.” 

He dropped Nick's hands like live hand grenades, letting out an angry breath. He was shaking. “It's not some silly little game,  _ Nick. _ ” 

“It's not life or death either, even if you think it is.” 

Kellogg opened his mouth to respond but Nick stopped him. “Just because you feel like it is, doesn't make it so.” 

He studied Nick's expression, and the anger on his face turned to barely quashed fear. “Why am I even arguing this with you if you don't even care?” 

“I do care.” 

“Prove it.” 

Nick tipped their mouths together, and Kellogg lifted his hand to card his fingers through the curled softness of his dark hair. The mercenary pulled back first, breathing hard as he rested his cheek against Nick's face. “Don't do this. Using my own emotions against me.” 

Nick's mouth was at his ear, hot breath blowing. “You don't want any of this, what I think you want. But you're afraid to tell me.” 

“No.” The merc murmured, holding Nick close. “What I want is miles from what you want.” 

Nick guided their mouths together again, taking his bottom lip into his mouth and worrying at it with his teeth. Kellogg turned his head away. “ _ Stop _ .” 

Nick lifted his gaze to stare directly at Kellogg. “You get after me for months, going on and on to get me to sleep with you, and now that you've got me, you don't want me.” 

“I don't want you to think I'm  _ crazy.”  _ Kellogg answered, his hand palm side down on Nick's chest, pushing him away. 

“I don't.” 

Kellogg didn't answer, tearing away from him and climbing off the bed. He scoffed: “That's a goddamn lie and you know it! You guilt me into fucking you because you can't stand to be alone, and then when I tell you no, you act like  _ I'm  _ the bad guy.” 

Nick sat up straight, legs hanging off the edge of the bed. Kellogg was breathing hard in front of him, hands clenched into fists. “You've always  _ been _ the bad guy.” 

He fell silent, his shoulders falling as he slowly turned and stomped down the stairs. “Right. I forgot. I'm the bastard, I'm a  _ joke _ to you.”

* * *

 

 

Nick had fallen into a sullen silence by the time there was a rap at the door and there was Ellie with Lenore. She still looked unimpressed by the merc’s place, and thoroughly unimpressed by Kellogg himself. 

“Da!” Lenore screamed, clapping her hands as soon as she saw Nick.

“Conrad, she--”

Kellogg looked at her over his shoulder, hands busy. “I know.” 

Nick was awestruck. 

“Yeah, that is Daddy, isn't it?” Kellogg called, voice soft.

“Did you teach her that?” Nick colored, looking at him sharply. “Is that what you taught her to call me?” 

“Didn't think you'd appreciate being called  _ Mommy _ .” Kellogg scoffed, looking back at his work. Ellie pressed her lips together. “You know I wouldn’t tell her that.”

Nick frowned and his shoulders tensed. “No, I wouldn't.” He still couldn't believe they got her to talk. 

“Yeah.” Kellogg breathed, and shook his head. “I don’t get a name from her. She usually just screams to get my attention. Guess she really does like you.” 

Nick let out a shaky breath. “You're serious.” 

“When am I not?” Kellogg adjusted his sleeve, rolling it up to reveal his forearm, before doing the same to the other arm. Nick's eyes followed his hands’ movement, distracted. He had new raw patches on his fingers, where it looked like he'd been picking at the rough parts of his calluses til they bled. 

“I could count a few times.” He swallowed, gaze clipping back to Lenore. She waved her fingers at him, opening and closing her hand over her palm, other hand in her mouth. 

“Haven't gotten her to say much else. She can communicate enough without words though.” 

“How did you manage that?” Nick nodded toward the toddler. “You got her to speak in a matter of days.” 

He scoffed under his breath when Ellie started a conversation with Nick, and crossed his arms, turning to face Nick. His hip leaned against the counter. “Practiced, probably, and all those pictures of you came in handy for once.” 

He took a breath and held it longer than necessary. “ _ Oh _ .” 

“Yeah,  _ oh _ is right.” Kellogg snapped, before putting all of his attention back to his gun.

 


	22. Chapter 22

Nick turned to Kellogg as soon as Lenore fell asleep, after hours of trying to get her to sleep. 

“You can't sleep without me, can you?” 

“When I'm not worrying about whether you'll leave that morning, I can sleep.” Kellogg frowned, and Nick studied him. 

“That isn't what I asked.” 

“Liquor doesn't help anymore.” 

Nick let out a shaky breath and touched the curve of his eye, along Kellogg's cheekbone. “That's answer enough, I think. Why do you put so much focus into being near me?” 

Kellogg simply said. “It helps.” 

Nick held his tongue, working his mouth. “Helps how?” 

“Didn't think you'd ask. Can't really explain.” He wiped at his mouth with his hand, thinking. “Don't have to worry about you as much if you're right there.” Kellogg cast a look his way, eyebrows raised. 

A frown crossed Nick's expression for a split second before it was gone, replaced with a blank dismissal. “Still have to lock the door if I'm there.” 

There was a sharp intake of breath when Kellogg looked away, and Nick couldn't see his face. “I know. I _have_ _to_.” 

“Nothing will happen if you don’t.” 

“I don't want to chance it.” 

“Why?” 

“Because if I don't, something  _ will _ happen.” Kellogg's hand was shaky, covering Nick's on the bed. 

“I'm not going to  _ die _ if you don't.” 

“How do  _ you _ know?!” There was less anger than Nick was anticipating in his words. Kellogg had turned to stare at him. “You don't. You don't  _ know.”  _ His words had a weight to them that settled like stones in the pit of Nick's stomach. “You never  _ will  _ know. Not until it happens.” 

“Better safe than sorry, then.” Nick snorted, and Kellogg released his hand in a flash. He paused, holding his breath, before letting it out slowly. “I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry.” 

Kellogg was quiet again. “If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done it.” 

“That's the most childish thing I've ever heard.” 

“Look -- don't question it. I know, I do the goddamn lock thing. Stop acting like it's  _ hurting  _ you when I do it. It doesn't matter to you, it doesn't bother you if I get worked up over it. You don't care and you never did.” 

“Conrad, I--” 

“I said don't mention it.” 

Nick shut his mouth, the words left unsaid were sour on his tongue. 

Kellogg stopped to look at him. 

“C’mere.” Nick pulled the merc in slowly, reeling him in until Kellogg loomed over him. “I get you're hurting. Because you feel like you can't help it, your whole outlook and anxiety.” He was smoothing a hand over Kellogg's chest, and the silence from in his chest was deafening. 

“You're already dead, you just don't know it yet.” Nick murmured, too soft for Kellogg to hear it. The merc fell silent, letting Nick hold onto him like that. “I hate knowing you don't care.” 

Nick's brow furrowed, but he didn't bother correcting him. Instead, he wrapped his arms around the mercenary's back, pulling him down on top of himself. Arms looped under his biceps, Nick looked up at him. 

“I can't say I care if you won't believe me.” 

The merc lifted his hand to cradle his jaw, pressing their faces together. “I'll try to believe you.” 

Nick closed his eyes and exhaled. “I'll try to tell you how much I care.” He arched his hips up, catching Kellogg angling his hips down. The merc groaned under his breath, and Nick's fingers dug into the back of his neck. “How about we forget this argument and figure something out.” 

He grit his teeth, taking hold of Nick's hips, grinding slowly against him. “You're easy to distract.” 

“This, coming from the man who thinks with his dick.” Nick remarked, head falling back against the mattress. “If I didn't enjoy this, I never would have stayed.” 

Kellogg worked a hand between them, tearing Nick's trousers open without a second thought. A gasp burst from the detective's mouth and he bucked his hips with wild abandon. He started teasing him slow, before biting his shoulder and just absolutely pummeling him with his fingers. 

Nick's hand on the back of his neck tightened, blunt nails leaving red crescents just under the nape of his neck. 

“I need more,” Nick called, breathless. 

“Gimme a second.” Kellogg paused, jerking his knees apart, bending them up and away so he could get in close, his trousers down past his thighs as he thrust into him. Nick's nails scored red lines down the side of his throat as he moaned out loud, both hands gripping the back of his neck as Kellogg held his hands on the underside of Nick's thighs, clamped there hard enough to bruise. 

Nick arched, panting desperately, as Kellogg didn't let up for a second. The merc pressed a sweet kiss to the underside of his jaw, before sinking his teeth into the spot. He hissed, clenching at the sensation of pain heightening his pleasure. Kellogg rammed him, sinking in to the hilt and pausing just to look at him. The detective's hair was wild, curls going every direction. His face was flushed and his gold eyes, wide and searching, were begging him to let him finish. Kellogg traced his lips with his fingertips, watching Nick take his thumb into his mouth and crush it between his molars. The merc came with a shout, catching himself before he collapsed, holding himself up by a hand on the headboard of the bed. 

Nick needed more, rolling his hips against Kellogg as he grew soft inside him. The merc reached down, rubbing him til Nick twitched wildly, thighs flexing on Kellogg's hips as he came. It was only then that he allowed himself to collapse, crushing the detective with his heat and weight. 

Kellogg covered his body with his own, arm draped over Nick's side. He was still sticky, but Nick didn't mind. His narrow fingers were cascading down the muscular line of the merc's back. Nick was drifting, somewhere between sleep and waking, but the heavy weight of the mercenary pressed to his body was welcome in a way. Kellogg's breath was soothing in his ear, warm and wet on his shoulder where the mercenary had rested his ragged cheek. Nick closed his eyes and let out a long breath, feeling Kellogg's arms tighten around his waist, dropping from where they were coiled around his chest.  Kellogg's legs still lingered between his own, the feeling of Kellogg’s muscular legs between his thighs not wholly unwelcome anymore. 

Nick settled his weight against the mattress, one hand clutching the back of the mercenary's head, palm just at the nape of his neck. His other arm curled around his ribs, hand flat on his back. Nick let out a quiet sigh, and turned his face to Kellogg's, scraping dull fingers through the shorn hair that grew unevenly on the back of his head. The merc's brow furrowed for a moment at the sensation but he didn't open his eyes. “This good enough for you?” He asked, husky voice right in his ear. “Up close, not even an inch apart?” Nick didn’t answer. “Makes it hurt less, doesn't it. That ache in your chest.” 

Nick's eyes snapped open and he focused on Kellogg's expression, the way his eyes settled closed wearily, brow lined but unfurrowed. He was sure Kellogg knew he was staring, could feel his eyes on him.  “I know. I feel it too.” 

Nick licked his dry lips and opened his mouth. “Makes you think. Whatever Nora did to us, whatever  _ this _ was intended to be. It had more consequences than she could have expected.” 

“Mhm.” Kellogg agreed, not moving much. Nick let his legs down, and the merc turned his head, resting his jaw against Nick's soft chest. “Can't believe you let me in again.” 

“What makes you think I  _ did _ ?” Nick’s nails trailed down the back of his neck, and came to a stop between his shoulder blades. Kellogg's back flexed at the feeling. 

“You're not fighting me for once.” 

Nick gave him a bitter smile, one he didn't even see. “Is that your basis for a good relationship?” 

Kellogg scoffed, running a hand down Nick's side. “It is when it's you I'm dealing with.” 

“Since when can you consider this a  _ relationship? _ ” 

Kellogg answered quietly. “Since you can't be bothered to leave permanently, or since we have a daughter, or since any other reason, take your pick.” 

Nick worried at his lip, before rasping out, voice harsher than he was attempting: “Next you're gonna ask me to marry you.” 

Kellogg's hand on his side drew away. “No. If you expect that, you have another thing coming.” He tensed, and Nick felt him clench his eyes shut tight. “Never doing that again.” 

“Won't let someone close enough.” 

Kellogg opened his eyes, lifting his head to stare, his gaze burning through Nick and it was all he could do not to look away. “Not you, anyway. You want me like that, you convince me. None of this back and forth bullshit anymore. You make a decision and you stick with it.” 

Nick made a dismissive sound in the back of his throat, turning away. “Not going to happen.” 

Kellogg's jaw tightened and Nick froze. “Didn't think so.” He pulled off the detective, taking his place across the other side of the bed, too far for any intimacy. Nick held his breath, listening to him settle down to sleep. When he was sure there would be no protest, Nick slipped out of the bed and dressed himself, before padding quietly in bare feet to where Lenore was sleeping. He crouched beside her little makeshift trundle bed and reached out to smooth her dark hair off her face.

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: discussion of past sexual assault 
> 
> (also spoilers for Nick's personal quest but you all know that shit thats why you're here)

The bed was cold when Kellogg opened his eyes hours later. Without Nick there, there was no body heat trapped between the sheets. The shack was silent, and for one chilling moment Kellogg thought Nick had taken Lenore back. He relaxed, bonelessly, upon realizing Nick had left his hat and coat by the bed. He wouldn't just up and leave without either of them.

Heaving a breath that didn't stir his lungs, Kellogg found his footing and slunk down the stairs. Beside Lenore’s bed, there was Nick, asleep, head pillowed in the crooks of his arms as they rested on the edge of the bed beside Lenore.

Hearing Kellogg approach, Nick lifted his head, blinking the sleep from his eyes. He found Kellogg's gaze, looking up at him.

“Sleep well?” Kellogg muttered, and Nick rubbed at the back of his neck. “Thought you left.”

“I needed a reminder of what I'm doing this for.”

“What you're doing _what_ for?” Kellogg clasped his elbow, helping Nick to his feet. His palms rested on the mercenary’s chest, pausing there for a beat before he let his hands drop.

“ _This_. For Lenore’s sake.”

“She won't know either way, Nick.” He didn't release the detective's arm, fingers enclosed around it. “You're doing this just as much for yourself as you are for her.”

“And if I am?” Nick's gaze was piercing, gold locked on hazel. “If I'm braving this hell, just so I can get closer to you, is it worth it?”

“You tell me.” Kellogg murmured, leaning in toward him. Nick's eyes settled half closed, and he let the merc kiss him. “Worth everything?”

“Try it again.” Nick left his hand resting on the jut of Kellogg’s jaw, lifting their mouths together again. He bit back a groan, his other hand cradling Kellogg's face as well. The merc tore away with some difficulty.

Kellogg stared for a long time, until Nick let his gaze fall back to Lenore. She woke up and Kellogg released him to let him go to her.

The merc was quiet behind him, and Nick cast a quick look at him. “If you had to choose, who would you rather keep, me or her?”

Kellogg clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth and shook his head. “I can't answer that.”

“Ashamed of your choice?”

“ _No_.” Kellogg let his hand drop from where it hovered behind Nick's back. “You more than anyone else should know I couldn't make that decision.”

“Say if one of us had to die--”

“ _Nick, please_. I can't answer that. Don't even say it.”

Nick's expression fell, gaze casually locking on Lenore as she reached up for him. “Afraid it will happen?” He lifted the child, arms secure around her.

“Don't jinx it.” Kellogg answered, hand finally coming to rest on his back, fingers barely touching him. Nick looked back at him, weary, eyes lidded.

“You're a coward. Does it scare you that much to consider losing me, when you never had me in the first place?”

Kellogg didn't say anything. Nick leaned into his touch, expecting the mercenary to draw back. He didn't do that either, and Nick took advantage of his silence. “If I had to choose, I'd let you die again and again if it meant I could save Lenore.”

That drew a response from him, and Kellogg's fist closed around Nick's belt, dragging him in close, his shirt falling open. His face inches from Nick's, their noses almost touching, mouths angled close, he spoke. “Better put your money where your mouth is then. That means no crying for me when I leave. No begging me to stay since your little girl is more important.”

Nick frowned: “You aren't going anywhere. Not now, not ever. We’re too important to you.”

Kellogg looked him over, mouth a grim line. “No. I'm not. I can't leave the same way you can't just let me go. That would mean you'd have to face being alone again and I don't think you could do it.”

Nick's brow furrowed, frown deepening. “You don't know me. Stop assuming I can't live without you.”

“Who’s assuming? I _know_ you can't.” Kellogg looked his face up and down, thumb brushing his lower lip. He leaned into the touch, arms full with Lenore asleep on his shoulder. “Barely held it together last time.”

He turned away, and Kellogg jerked him back by the belt.

“Don't you _dare_ say that. You were gone longer than you said you would be.” Nick was staring, lip curled.

“And that's my point exactly. You're putting too much stock into my _being there_ that when I'm not, you can't even handle it.”

Nick's eyes narrowed, and he leaned in close. “You won't leave.”

“Yeah? Why is that?”

Nick forced their mouths together, crashing their teeth together, harsh and biting, desperate. Kellogg's palm skated down his jaw, and he backed Nick to the wall. Lenore was held carefully on his hip, arms around his neck, sleeping soundly.

He bit down on Kellogg's bottom lip, feeling the soft flesh give way with a snap more felt than heard and the taste of blood filled his mouth. Kellogg tore away, lifting his fingers to his mouth and pulling them away bloody. Nick was panting, lifting his gaze to Kellogg’s. Blood still dotted his lips. His tongue flicked out to lick it away. He fell silent, watching Kellogg back up.

“You can't stop, can you? Even when it hurts, just like _this_ .” He pounded his bare chest with his palm. “That little sting in my chest when you kiss me. That burn every time you're close and you _aren't touching me_.”

Kellogg stood still, watching the way he broke down. Nick lowered his gaze. “I've hated you as long as I've known you.”

“Hate is better than nothing. It's something i can deal with.” Kellogg wiped at his bloody mouth.

“But--” Nick began, “but I can't stand it when you're gone.”

“Doesn't sound like hate then.” He shifted on his feet, crossing his arms. “Sounds more like you resent me for _some reason_ , but whatever that reason is I don't know.”

Nick just shattered, expression twisting. “If I could stop it, I would, but that worked just as well as you would expect last time.” His shoulders shook as he covered his mouth with his palm, voice muffled from behind his hand. “I've hated and loved you almost the same.”

Kellogg watched him, before taking a steady step to Nick. He pulled Nick upright again, before snagging Lenore out of his grip. “Let me take her. You need to either go, or something else. Take some time to calm down.”

Nick paused, frozen like a deer caught in headlights. “Do you expect me to sleep here?”

“Yes. Why the hell not? You've done it before. Get some damn rest, you're falling apart at the seams.” Kellogg looked at him seriously, and Nick looked back. “You could always go home. Nothing stopping you there.”

He frowned, expression giving way to a new _look_ toward the mercenary. “Not without my daughter.”

“Then you stay while _she_ does.” Kellogg replied. “Look, you can even stay with her. I'm not forcing you to leave her alone.” He put her down on his bed, and Nick just curled up beside her. “She was up all night, scared you were gonna leave without her again.”

He rested his hand on her back, and she turned to curl closer to him. Kellogg paused, backing up. Nick was breathing quietly as his eyes fell shut.

The merc touched the raw spot on his lip as he watched Nick close his eyes. “Did you tell her that? Did you tell her I was going to leave?”

“Why would I do that?” Kellogg murmured, sitting on the bed near Nick's feet.

“Do you expect me to understand your motivations?” Nick asked, sounding exhausted. “Why would she be afraid then, if you didn't?”

“I don't damn well know, Nick.” He dropped his hands into his lap, shoulders falling. “She's a lot smarter than what you give her credit for. Maybe she heard us talking.”

Nick let out a sigh, and ground his teeth together, before announcing quietly: “She shouldn't get used to us being together.”

“‘Course not.” Kellogg scoffed, leaning back, hands splayed behind him to steady himself. “Not when you're still eager to get the hell out of dodge.”

Nick frowned, arms going around Lenore as she slept on, voice quiet. “You're really intent on keeping her.”

“Yeah, no shit.” He spat, turning bodily to look at him. Nick's shoulders tensed but he didn't respond. “You never wanted her.”

“Of course not!” Nick snapped, rolling over to face him. “Why would I want a reminder of what Nora did to me? A reminder of why I shouldn't trust you?”

Kellogg stared, mouth twitching into a thin line. “Then make up your damn mind. Either you want her or you don't. You can't just keep her to spite me. That isn't fair to any of us.”

Nick's breath caught, and he looked up at the ceiling. “Sometimes life isn't fair. We do the best we can with the hands we've been dealt.”

Kellogg's hand reached out to touch his side but he stopped, letting his hand drop instead. His voice was pensive. “She deserves better.”

“Better than _you_.”

“Yeah. Better than me. Better than what the both of us could give.” He sounded like he had had enough.

“I'm not giving her up.”

“Then don't, but know neither am I.” Kellogg’s hand found its place on his side, and Nick grasped at his wrist.

“We're back at square one then.” Nick answered, thumb brushing the line of his wrist.

“The way I see it, you have two choices. Leave without her and don't come back or stay. You don't have to stay _here_ forever, but you still have to just _stay_.”

Nick remained quiet, but his fingers closed around Kellogg’s wrist, ever so gently. “Is that for her benefit or yours?”

“Both.” He stretched his fingers, letting the tips of them rest on Nick's knuckles.

“If I stay, that means I get to see her whenever I want.”

“That's not gonna even be an issue.” Kellogg replied, feeling Nick's fingers flex as he considered it. “You're welcome here any time.”

Nick closed his hand around Kellogg's fist. “And no begging me to stick around like some lovesick teenager.”

“Can't promise you won't be the one doing that.” Kellogg answered, and Nick bristled at his words. “Isn't that right, Nick? Mister “I-Can't-Last-three-months-without-you”?”

He pulled the merc down beside him and got in close to his face. “Do you want me to leave, is that it?”

“ _Fuck_ no.” Kellogg scoffed and rolled his eyes, before looking right at him. “Lenore isn't just your only motivation, and I know she's not.”

Nick's lip curled and he tore his gaze from Kellogg's. “And?”

“And you're holding it over my head like a prize.” Kellogg scoffed. “I'm not doing this just so I can fuck you.”

Nick sank his teeth into his bottom lip. “Forgive me for not believing you so soon.”

Kellogg scoffed again, but held his tongue. Nick continued - “I don't think I ever should have trusted you. Especially not now, not anymore.”

“Clearly.” Kellogg answered, gaze piercing. “It was a mistake for you to even try to trust me.”

“Really; selling yourself short like that?” Nick muttered, sarcasm dripping from his words.

“I know I'm not the best person. I'm not trying to claim I’m anywhere close to that.”

Nick snorted and rolled his eyes. “You sold me out.”

“I was _ordered to_.” Kellogg answered. “If you don't remember, I was stuck in there too.”

“You were allowed to see him.” Nick said simply. Kellogg stopped, taking a breath. Nick's voice was weak. “A privilege I never had.”

“Would you have wanted to if you could?”

Nick hesitated. “No… but that doesn't matter.”

“I'd say it does. You didn't want anything to do with him and now that he's dead you're all apologetic. Save your regrets for someone who cares.”

Nick turned to stare at him. The merc lifted his hand to touch Nick's face, but stopped, letting his hand drop. Nick took his hand in his own, bringing it to his mouth. “Did you know you're still bleeding?”

Kellogg didn't reply.

“I tore your lip up pretty bad, didn't I?”

“I'll live,” he growled.

“Deep words coming from a walking corpse.”

“Takes one to know one, Nicky. You were there the first time I died, remember?”

He did. Nora was furious then, desperate to find Shaun. She tore Kellogg to absolute shreds trying to find any clue, rendered him into little pieces of meat scattered around the room from the shock waves of the mini nuke she shot at him. “Didn't know all your dirty little secrets back then, but still you made me think of him.”

“Of Shaun?” Nick asked quietly, a cold feeling settling once more in his chest as he thought about it. “How? My face was the same as every other synth’s.”

“Didn't matter. I just - something about you tipped me off to that. Made it hard to fight you.”

“You didn't have to. Nora was out for blood.”

“And blood she got. And viscera, and gray matter and every single cybernetic bit of me.”

“isn't that strange to think about? You were in little pieces, and now you're not.” Nick wondered out loud. “I never experienced that, I wouldn't know. “

Kellogg snorted, and shook his head. “I didn't exactly _feel_ most of it past the first moment. Mostly a gut feeling of _oh fuck a missile_ and then one instant of all over pain the likes of which I've never felt before and then, I don't know, nothing up until I got shoved right up inside you.”  

“You didn't feel anything inside me.” Nick said. It wasn't a question.

“I felt what you felt. Every sickening wave of lust toward Nora, toward the ghoul, toward _me_. Every burn of a gunshot through your body. Who do you think helped you avenge your poor dead Jenny? That was me, that anger you couldn't bear to name pressing you onwards. I'm the reason you didn't give up, that the thought never crossed your mind.”

Nick let his head bow over Kellogg's fingers at his lips. “Your roots dug deep from the very beginning.”

“That's one way of putting it.” His fingertips bridged the gap between his palm and Nick's mouth. “Something about you kept me clinging on. If I had never bothered with you, I'd have died a long time ago. Let myself fizzle out like some bad idea.”

“Should I be flattered?” Nick asked. “You didn't, and you had your hands full with my memories, all my thoughts and feelings laid bare.”

“True enough. I never saw anything you didn't want me to see, and you let me see _everything_.” Kellogg looked him over seriously. “That's when I first started to put it together. Your connection to the old man, I mean.”

“You told Nora.”

“Not on purpose. When they were putting me back in a body, they scanned my brain. Saw everything.”

Nick's stomach turned, and he fell silent.

“I didn't think she would have done this.”

“Of course not.” He felt betrayed, but even so, he knew Kellogg never outright told her. Somehow that didn't make it feel any better. Nick fell back against the bed once more. “The Shaun in your memories. He wasn't real, was he?”

Kellogg paused, then sighed. “Something like the old man’s pet project.”

Nick sounded disgusted. “And he gave him to you to care for - why?”

“Bait, probably. To draw Nora out and tie up any loose ends on my end.”

“I should have realized.”

Kellogg considered his words but didn't stop: “Maybe he wanted it to be an apology. One short little while of the happiness I never got with my kid before it all went south when Nora would inevitably catch up to me.”

“You were in love with him.”

“Not with the _kid._ He called Shaun Father, isn't that fucked up enough? What would I be to him then? The guy his “dad” occasionally slept with?”

Nick's brow knit together. “Did Shaun reciprocate?”

“It's a little hard to tell. The man set me up to die, but the last time I saw him..” Kellogg's voice trailed off. “I knew he regretted everything. He was just too damn proud to admit it.” He let out a breath. “He told me he was dying, then sent me on my way.”

There was something Kellogg wasn't telling him, he could see it in his expression.

“What else?” Nick asked, and the merc's face twisted. “You loved him and he sent you to die.”

“It would have been the last time either of us would see each other.” Kellogg replied, arms tensing. “We both knew it. I…” He lifted his hand to his face, scrubbing at his eyes with his palm. “To completely answer your question - yes. I believe he reciprocated, and did so up until the very end.”

Nick frowned but didn't move. “And now you're desperate for me. Are we just close enough that it doesn't matter if I'm not Shaun?”

Kellogg let his shoulders fall. “No. I know you're different, and I wouldn't have it any other way. You're not dropping dead the way he did.”

“No. I'm not.”

Kellogg let Nick pull him down onto the bed beside him. He was holding himself up with his arms until the detective tugged him again, letting him fall. “He never even knew you existed. Not the way you did.”

“Do you think it's better that way?” Nick touched his chest and Kellogg canted toward him. “That he never knew?”

“I don't know what would have happened if he did. It was years before my time, back when you were an earlier generation synth, that they loaded you up. Long before Shaun was around too.”

“I know.” He considered it, hands grazing Kellogg's back. “I wonder what he'd say if he had ever met me.”

“Did you ever consider that was why you were chosen out of all of the potential brain scans?” Kellogg asked him, and Nick's hands froze on his back.

“That would have required an amount of premeditation I wouldn't have considered the institute to be capable of. Or just too much sheer dumb luck. The coincidence to end all coincidences.” Nick responded, thinking about it, chest cold and aching.

Kellogg didn't respond either way, letting Nick relax. “Some coincidence.”

Nick's mouth curled into a frown, and he thought about it some more, before letting out a shaky breath, gaze averted.

“If he knew--” Nick began,”-- If he had known,” Kellogg watched his face as he spoke. “Do you think he would have told you?”

“What would it have mattered?” Kellogg grumbled, “Like that would change how everything had happened?” He put on a poncy accent, pretending to be Father. _“‘Oh, by the way you'll be fighting my biological mother and my adopted mother. Try not to kill either of them I need them for my diabolical plans.’_? Are you kidding me?”

“Is that how _you_ think of me?”

“I wouldn't have put it past the old man to think of you like that. Clinical terms, like you're some kind of inhuman _thing_.”

Nick paused, silent.

“If anyone's an inhuman thing it's me. I gave that up a long time ago. Lost it the same time I lost my family.” Kellogg added, under his breath, before lifting his gaze to the detective’s. “You're not a woman, not a girl, not anything close. Shaun wouldn't even consider that.”

“I can't believe you of all people would respect that.” Nick let out a sardonic little laugh, burying his face against Kellogg's shoulder.

“Why not?” Kellogg whispered, mouth on his ear. “You're acting like I've never seen anybody like that, never fucked somebody whose parts didn't match the rest of them

“That doesn't make me feel any better.” Nick muttered against his shirt. “Guess it's more common than it was pre-war.”

“Maybe. I wouldn't know.” Kellogg murmured, feeling Nick's nails bite into his back through his shirt. He opened his mouth to speak again, then closed it, words unable to come. “If he did know, he didn't show it. Still was seething when the truth came out I popped his dad.”

“Your wording probably didn't help.” Nick remarked, and Kellogg let his lips rest on Nick's temple.

“Shut up.” The corners of his mouth twitched up but he held his breath. “I still killed his father. Without me you never would have had the guts to hunt down Winter.”

Nick's breathing faltered. “ _I_ killed him. It was my right. He took everything from me; my life, the woman I loved, my bodily autonomy.” His voice hitched. “He was a monster and he never even knew.”

“All the better that way.”

“Still, I can't help but wonder what he would have said if i told him. The way his face would just _blanch_ . He had a son, and he never even _knew_.” Nick spat, anger turning into fury, disgust bursting from his lips. “He's causing more trouble from beyond the grave. Shaun was always his, from the very beginning.”

Kellogg leaned in closer, pressing his forehead to the top of Nick's head, head tilted sideways. “I'm not going to pretend I'm not glad he got your looks instead of that old bastard’s.”

Nick let out a laugh, more hysterical than anything else, before covering his mouth. “Of course not. You were sleeping with him. And now, me.”

“Yeah.” Kellogg breathed, and Nick's hands relaxed on his shoulders. “Life's kinda funny that way.”

Nick sighed, turning his head toward Kellogg’s face. “What is it about me that keeps you here?” His fingertips brushed across Kellogg's cheek, feather light. “What are you so attracted to?”

“Your voice.” Kellogg answered immediately. “It goes right through me.”

Nick's hand fell to his throat. “I can't help the way I sound.”

“No, but hearing you beg is something I never get tired of hearing.” Kellogg replied, feeling Nick's fingers tighten on his throat. “Same with you, I take it. I see it when you shiver if I get close enough.” Nick froze and Kellogg brushed his mouth against his cheekbone, towards his ear. “My voice gets you off.”

Nick remained frozen. “That's not the only reason you want me.”

“Course not. D’you want me to list all the reasons alphabetically?”

He fell quiet.

“You're not giving me an answer. Should I take that as a yes and start listing?”

Nick huffed and looked away, but didn’t answer.

“How about the way your forehead lines when you're thinking hard.” He traced the spot between Nick's eyebrows where a line was, “It's endearing. Same with your mouth. There's lines here too when you frown.” His fingers followed Nick's jawline.

“You've seen me frown much more than you've seen me smile. Of course it's what you'll fall for.” Nick ground out.

“Makes you look older. Same with your hair.”

“And you're one to talk. You're just into older looking men.”

Kellogg considered it and realized he was right. With a laugh, he added:

“What about you?”

Nick paused, thinking about it. “Your eyes. They're… _pretty_.” He murmured, clearly embarrassed.

“Yeah?” Kellogg turned bodily to face him. “What else?”

“Your arms, your shoulders.” He clarified, palms skimming up his freckled arms. “So solid.”

“You should feel my legs then. All of me is solid.”

“I am aware.” Nick responded, deadpan. “It's intimidating.”

“And you're into it.” He sounded amused. “Is it the fact that I could hurt you?”

“It used to be.” Nick sat up, crossing his legs. “Not anymore.” He turned away. “I wish it were still the case.”

“Mm. My eyes though. Really? Never took you for thinking something sappy like that.” Kellogg leaned his elbow against Nick's leg.

“What can I say?” He leaned in closer, letting Kellogg's fingers catch on his cheek as the merc reached toward him. “It used to hurt, when you would look at me.”

“Used to like getting hurt.”

“Only when I was in control.” Nick answered, feeling his fingers stop just short of the corner of his mouth. “I could have stopped you any time, but I didn't.”

“No sir.” Kellogg replied, smirking. “Haven't hurt you on purpose in a long time.”

“Sounds like it's something you miss.” Nick responded, flatly.

“No. Not unless you want it too.” Kellogg leaned up against him, head in his lap. “I'm not going to do anything unless you give me the explicit say so.”

“You still look at me the same way, but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.” Nick looked down, barely curling his lips up. “I don't know whether I'm used to it or if it doesn't hurt because I do the same thing, but…” He let his voice trail off.

Kellogg caught his gaze and held it. “What color were your eyes before the war?”

“I thought my file would say it.”

“Just said: green. That doesn't exactly give much detail.”

Nick paused, waiting, before murmuring, “They _were_ green. Almost blue.”

“The old man got your eyes then.” Kellogg added, ruminating on that thought alone.

“What _didn't_ he get from me?”

“I don't know, you tell me.” Kellogg's gaze squinted at Nick. “He got your dark hair, your eyes.” He reached up and touched his face. “Your frown too.”

“Thank you.” Nick covered his hand with his own. He pressed his lips together tight. “I can't tell if you're being facetious.” Nick's mouth twitched up a little more.

“I never really focused on Winter the way you did, I don't remember if Shaun looked anything like him.”

“I don't want to know whether he did or didn't. That's something I could go my whole life without knowing.” Nick answered, and Kellogg paused. “Then think of him like this - Just like you in every way.”

“That doesn't help either. You were in love with him, and I'm just some replacement.”

“Nick.” He stopped him, pressing his mouth to Nick's. “I'm telling you, you're no replacement. I didn't even know until i connected the dots.”

“No, but you were attracted from the beginning, because I reminded you of my _son_ , regardless of if you knew it was my son or not.”

“You can't blame me for being attracted to you before I knew you were related!” Kellogg snapped. Nick stiffened and closed his eyes. “The only thing I'm blaming you for is this awful body. These changes, too. I hate it.”

“That's fine. I deserve it, I think.” Kellogg answered, voice soft and even. Nick fought a flinch, not expecting him to speak so quietly. “If I could take back what I've done, I would, but I can't. Time doesn't work that way, and I'm sorry, Nick, but that's not something I can do.”

“I'm not asking for that.” Nick murmured, and Kellogg's fingers threaded through the hair on the back of his head, cradling the base of his skull in his palm. “I don't want this empty apology. If you meant it, you would be gone already.”

“I did leave. I was gone a long while, if you recall. That's not something either of us want to do. I know you don't want me gone no matter how many times you say it. Because I don't want it either.” Kellogg's expression wilted and Nick studied the way he looked right then for a long moment. “You're afraid of being alone again. You don't want it.”

Nick knew he was right. “Getting used to traveling with someone was a mistake. One I'm still regretting.”

“It wasn't just _traveling_ anymore.”

“No. It wasn't, really, was it? Not anymore, not for a while.” Nick responded. “Relying on others is weakness, isn't that what you believed?”

“Once upon a time.” Kellogg replied, and Nick's mouth quirked up. “You know it hurts to be alone again. Damn, I got it bad.” He growled and Nick's mouth widened in a smirk. “To think, five years ago somebody could have told me I'd be fucking some run down synth detective in the future and i think I'd laugh in their face.”

“You're not human either anymore.” Nick ventured, and Kellogg lifted his hand, fingers curling around into his hair. “Haven't considered myself _human_ for a long time.”

“No, not since the institute took you apart and put you back together again with a few added extra bits.” Nick replied, and Kellogg scoffed.

“Been years and years. Same as you.”

“Mm.” Nick conceded. “Neither of us were really human after all this time.”

Kellogg hesitated, before leaning in and pressing his mouth to Nick's, barely brushing their lips together. Nick surged down toward him, supporting his weight against the mattress with one arm. He moved to straddle Kellogg's hips, ass settled in his lap as he leaned over him, feeling the merc's warm hand cascade down his back, under his shirt as he let him wriggle out of it. Nick's free arm curled around the merc's shoulders as he held him close, the shirt dropping on the bed. Kellogg sat up, a hand bracing himself on the mattress behind him. His other hand still tangled in the dark hair at the back of Nick's head.

“Easy, now. You don't want to wake up the baby.” Kellogg teased, in between nipping Nick's bottom lip.

“You're the one who started it.” Nick answered, bringing his mouth to Kellogg's again. His hand slid lower, coming to rest on Nick's back. The detective settled against his chest, knees relaxing on either side of Kellogg’s waist. “I'm not hoping to sleep with you right now.”

“Didn't think so.” Kellogg replied, lying back on the mattress. “Wasn't planning on it.”

“You just wanted to prove your point.” Nick added, thickly. “That neither of us want to split up.”

“Do you?” Kellogg's palm paused on his spine  and Nick gave an involuntary shiver.

“Do I what?” Nick asked, listening to the silence from inside the merc's chest. “Do I want to never see you again for as long as I'm on this rotten earth?”

“I kiss you once and you can't help yourself, can you?” Kellogg frowned, and Nick was quiet. “You don't care about anyone else when it comes to me. Not Lenore, not anyone but me.”

“Since when do you have a problem with that?” Nick leaned up on an elbow, looking down at him.

“Since you use it to get whatever you want out of me.” Kellogg was picking at the back of Nick's shirt with his short short nails. “Since I can't damn well say no to you.”

Nick sat up, moving off of him. “Why is that? What is stopping you?”

Kellogg turned on his side to face him and opened his mouth to speak, before stopping, the words coming short.

He frowned and lay down on his back beside the merc. “That's what I thought.”

He wrapped an arm around the detective’s waist. Nick curled an arm around his hand, laying his own hand over it. “I wish I could have a clear cut reason for you.”

Nick's fingers tightened on his arm. “Don't.”

“No, you know what. I'm sick of you hiding from this. You need to face it. I don't care if you think you're not good enough to love, or if I'm the worst possible choice, or whatever other reason you're waiting to spout at me.” Kellogg answered, letting Nick turn three quarters of the way toward him, still cradling Kellogg's hand to his chest. “Either love me or don't but don't give me those _excuses.”_

Nick was silent, long enough that the mercenary looked over at him only to notice he was sleeping, or at least faking sleep. He let out a soft huff, drawing nick in closer. Lenore slumbered on beside them, as Kellogg's arm tightened around his waist. He didn't stir at all, and that was when Kellogg knew he was only pretending. He closed his eyes, pressing his face to the warmth of Nick's hair, inhaling the smoke and soap smell of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my longest chapter yet lmfao it really got away from me here also lmfao OH FUCK A MISSILE


	24. Chapter 24

After a long moment of Kellogg silently focusing on every single beat of Nick's heart, perfectly audible to him, the detective's arms drew up around his shoulders and Nick pulled him in like nothing had happened. Their bodies were nestled closer, and Kellogg’s other arm pulled from between them, wrapping around his back. Nick just held him, breathing evenly, quiet in the dark. He didn't care if Nick was asleep, or if this meant nothing and would be forgotten when they awoke. He didn't care anymore.

“You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me.” Nick murmured against his shoulder.

“No kidding.” Kellogg breathed, fingers threading through his hair. “Are you counting everything that happened before the war?”

Nick took a breath as if to continue but stopped.

“Clearly not.” He muttered and closed his fingers around Nick's hair. “Didn't think I was comparable to Winter, killing your girl and doing _what he did to you_ . Killed a lot of people but I'm not in the usual business of rape. Seen some awful, _awful_ shit.” He let out a breath, and Nick immediately knew why. “Wouldn't do that. Couldn't do that to Sarah’s memory.”

Nick didn't deign that with a response.

“Nora forced me to.” He spit, and Nick could hear the ache in his voice.

“And she still killed you after you cooperated.” Nick responded quietly.

“Didn't think you cared so much about it.”

Nick put his palm to Kellogg’s chest, feeling the eerie silence between his ribs. “If you lived, you wouldn't have gotten out alive later.”

“If you wanna believe that then.” Kellogg answered, running his thumb over Nick's soft hair, watching the way it curled over his fingertips.

Nick frowned, gaze falling. “What would she have done to you if I hadn't?”

“That's not something I want to put thought to.” Nick answered, eyes half shut. “It was meant to be a punishment for you. For me, I…” His voice trailed off. “She thought I'd be happy there. With _you_.”

Kellogg scoffed. “Some punishment then. You end up falling for me, and what, I just let it happen?”

“You _did_.”

Kellogg was silent, but it was an agreement, he could tell by the way his shoulders squared away. “I was afraid. Of what she did to us, of what she could have done and we never would have known any different.”

“What are you talking about?”

Nick closed his eyes and sighed. “She told me you were _programmed_ to fall for me, that it… that _you_ didn't feel anything but what she told you to feel.”

Kellogg shook his head. “That's bullshit. It doesn't work like that.”

“Then this is real.” Nick flatly answered, “This is real and true and not some dream or something.” He turned toward Kellogg again. “I wish I knew just how to feel about that.”

“Take my advice - don't bother thinking about how you feel, just go with it.” Kellogg held him tighter; he could feel Nick quaking in his arms. It was so clear. He didn't understand why he never noticed it before. A dull burning rose in his chest, anger turning to pain. He knew Nora had a hand in it, that she had done something to him. Kellogg closed his eyes tight at the thought, and turned away, expression twisting. Nick knew, and Kellogg knew that he knew. It burned, filling his throat, cutting off his voice. His fingers tightened around Nick’s hair and at the center of his back as Kellogg held him close.

“You don't know whether to trust what you feel anymore.” Nick called quietly, arms coiling around his neck. “Don't bother. I know, and I'm sorry.”

“She's dead.” Kellogg's voice was choked. “Whatever she did to us died with her.”

Nick let out a breath. “This is real.”

Kellogg looked up at him. “If you loved me before, you should have told me.”

Nick's expression fell. “I'm not going to lie to you. Not when it hurts us both.”

“Shut up about hurting us.” Kellogg hissed. “You don't care about hurting me, you never cared.”

“No. I don't. “ Nick admitted, refusing to lift his gaze. “Not the way you say you do.”

Kellogg was quiet: “You have to at least give me some credit for trying, huh. Not easy to just _stop_ .” His fingers clenched into a fist at Nick's back, the detective's shirt pinched in his hand. “I grew up thinking hurting people was the only way to get anywhere. Took years to learn the opposite and it all was wiped away in an instant.” Kellogg's expression darkened. “You don't _know_ what I've gone through. You don't know how hard it is for me to unlearn every goddamn piece of advice I've internalized from my own parents.”

“I can't say I do, and I might never know. You could be so much worse, and you _were_ so much worse. You're still the worst, most dangerous thing roaming the commonwealth.”

“Mm,” Kellogg agreed, turning his head into Nick's shoulder. “And you just let me do it.”

“I let you do a lot of things.” Nick's face colored, and Kellogg tightened his arms around him. “Some more harm than good.”

“It's more than _letting me_ when you beg for it.” Kellogg answered, settling against him, head tilted slightly to rest against his.

“Begging or not, you're dangerous.”

“You didn't think so when I helped you on every case in the past.” Kellogg quieted down, grip loosening a little as he relaxed. “I'm only dangerous if you get on my bad side.”

“How long until I do that?” Nick asked, eyebrows raised.

“You saw it. Don't you remember?” His fingers dragged up the side of Nick's throat, pausing at the old bite scar. “I could have killed you.”

“You didn't.” Nick reminded him, pulling his fingers closer to his throat. “Not even when all you wanted was to scare me off. You wouldn't have, anyway. Not from biting there.”

“Nah.” Kellogg succinctly replied, letting his fingers twitch at Nick's throat, noting how his breath caught in his throat with arousal. “You would know. You considered it, didn't you? Letting me kill you?”

Nick didn’t answer for a long moment, then spoke aloud, voice dry. “In the beginning.”

“Back when you were upset because sweet darling _Nora_ wouldn't give you the time of day.” He sarcastically added. “And look where that got you.”

“And she's dead, and you're in love with me. If I had known--”

“What, you never would have let me in in the first place? Bull _shit_ , Nicky. You wanted me caught and the mystery solved just as much as mother dearest wanted me dead. If that meant shoving the last bits of me in _there_ ,” he tapped Nick's forehead, hand lifting from his throat, “Then you would have done it just for Nora's sake. In fact, you did.”

“I never would have known--”

“No. You didn't know. “ Kellogg answered simply. “You couldn't have. She kept it from me too. Like I was some puppet dancing on a string. At least Shaun had the nerve to tell me to my face what I was _doing_.”

“You hated her even before she brought you back.”

“Thought about her every damn day. I wasn't one to judge the old man’s orders but I knew she'd be out for blood once she got out, from day one. Knew she'd be the end of me. Looked forward to it a little, especially toward the end. When Shaun was dying. Didn't think we'd end up in the same place but god _damn_ , I didn't want to see him die. Even if it meant I'd go before him. Even if it meant his bitch of a mother took me out just as he planned years prior, even if it meant I let the old bastard win.”  

Nick shut his mouth. “That isn't what I asked.”

“I didn't hate her. She was a one time nuisance that ended up killing me. Didn't hate her til what she did to you.”

“I'm flattered.” He spat, rolling over and letting Kellogg face his back. He planted a wet kiss to the hollow between Nick's shoulder blades,  feeling the detective shiver. Kellogg tilted his head against Nick's back, forehead resting against it. “You bring out the worst in me.”

“Couldn't have said it better myself.” Nick responded, crossing his arms over his bare chest. Kellogg's fingers traveled up his side, tracing his hip bone, up past his ribs. His palm came to rest between Nick's chest, nestled against his ribs. “I never get tired of hearing your heartbeat either. Don't know whether that's due to my own silent heartbeat or if it's because I know it beats for me,” He laughed, sarcastic. “At least for as long as you let me in.”

Nick's breath caught in his throat as Kellogg's fingers brushed his nipple.

“I know you don't want me to touch you there.” He pulled his hand away. “Sorry.”

Nick curled closer in on himself, face buried in the pillow. “The apology was a surprise.”

“You can tell me where you want me to touch, but not now. Later. I promise I'll be here still.”

Nick let out a shaky breath, pulling Kellogg's arms around him. The merc pressed closer, mouth on the back of his shoulder. “I'm not going anywhere. Not now, not for a long time.”

He was quiet; “I didn't think you were.” Nick turned to face him. “You want to leave just as much as I do.”

“That is to say, not at all?” Kellogg ventured, and Nick took his hand. Kellogg's palm settled in the dead center of his chest, and he knew the merc could feel the way his heart pounded in his chest.

“You got your wish, by the way. You were there when it stopped beating. “ He added, noting Nick's reaction. “Even if you were unconscious at the time.”

“You're not dead.”

“I'm dead _enough_.” Kellogg scoffed. “Are you sure you want me to be?”

Nick didn’t answer right away.

“I don’t know what you think it would have been like if I stayed dead. If Nora never bothered putting me back together again the second time.”

Nick's fingers traced over his scar on his chest, lingering for a long moment before he spoke again. “Lenore would have been born in town, I think. Or Goodneighbor, maybe. In the basement of the memory den, or maybe somewhere else John would be able to go. She wouldn't be talking at all, and every time I'd look at her I'd know what I'm missing. But I think I would be happier if you were rotting somewhere. I know Hancock would be.”

“You're so kind to me.” Kellogg replied, smirking, absent fingertips edging up his side. “Too bad none of that happened. You're here, I'm alive, and Lenore was born miles away.”

“And John’s safe and sound in Goodneighbor. Last I heard he's let a few minutemen into the city,’

Kellogg let out a huff. “Yeah. Guess he's moved on?”

Nick sat up, arms around his blanketed knees. “Got some kind of partnership striking up.”

“I'll say it's a _partnership_.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He's fucking the other guy that rescued you. With the scar on his cheek and the cowboy hat.”

“Preston Garvey?” Nick's voice cracked as he spoke, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah.” Kellogg leaned forward, knees bent as he sat up beside the detective. “Funny how that turned out.”

Nick sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Good. G-good for him.”

“You don't sound like that was good news.”

“I need a drink.”

Kellogg scoffed, turning to look his direction. “Need something stronger than beer, I think.”

He got out of bed, the old springs creaking beneath his weight and Nick closed his eyes, not wanting to see him naked right then. He didn't want to deal with that too.

Cool glass touched his arm and Nick closed his hand around the smooth neck of a bottle of vodka.

“Kept it for molotovs.” Kellogg rubbed the back of his neck with grubby fingers. “Don't do much drinking anymore.”

Nick let his gaze rest on the bottle. He popped it open and took a cautious sip. He held his breath for a long moment, before lifting his eyes and taking a long swallow of the clear liquid. “And you're sharing it with me instead of using it for weapons.” He offered the bottle to Kellogg, who took it in loose fingers.

“You know what they say,” Kellogg lifted the bottle to his lips, “Misery loves company.”

“Shut up.” Nick bumped him with his elbow.

“Been years since I last had a drink.”

“Congrats,” Nick dryly responded, watching how his Adam's apple bobbed with each swallow. “Fell off the wagon for what?”

Kellogg stretched an arm out to let it rest on his back. Nick froze, seriously wondering if Kellogg just attempted such a juvenile move. He also let the thought cross his mind that _that_ was the merc’s answer.

“Was that deliberate?” He reached up, a few fingers curling around Kellogg's hand at his waist.

“Does it matter?” Kellogg asked, closing the bottle and setting it aside. He turned toward the mercenary's body, clutching his arms to himself.  Kellogg's arms coiled around him as he pulled Nick in close.

“Does it bother you that he's sleeping with someone else?” Kellogg murmured, and Nick didn't answer. “Or that it's the same man that was sleeping with Nora too?”

Nick's breath shivered, hot on his neck. “I don't love John. I just,” he paused, raising his head. “I liked the idea of someone like him. I took his affection for granted, and played with him, and he had every right to move on.”

“You were selfish.” Kellogg replied, quietly. “And you're upset because he couldn't take it anymore. Not that it even matters anyway because you just admitted you don't love him.”

Nick knew he was right but his words still stung. “It hurts, just enough, that maybe if things had turned out differently, it would be me and him against the world.”

“Instead of you and i?” Kellogg asked, half expecting another long silence from him. Nick took a breath and answered immediately.

“Yes, and I don't want to think about it anymore.”

“I can fix that for you.” Kellogg pulled him in closer, arms winding winding around his waist. “Can't fuck you, but I can sure as hell hold you until you feel better.”

He let out a soft laugh, and twined his arms around Kellogg's body, bowing his head on the merc's shoulder. “What makes you think that will help?”

"Call it a lucky guess.”

Nick fell quiet, beside him. “It certainly won't hurt.”

“Let me know if you need me to hold you tighter.”

“Please.” Nick answered quietly, bowing his head. His breath came faster as Kellogg’s arms flexed, tightening around him. He closed his eyes, hands gripping at Kellogg’s arms. “Why does it hurt like this?” He took a shaky breath, and pressed the heel of his palm to his chest, just above his heart. “Right here, it hurts more now than ever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the last part of the fic i have fully written out beside some little bits and pieces of scenes that dont fit anywhere. there will be more fic but so far its not written yet lmfao
> 
>  
> 
> also catch that shade @ people who mischaracterise the cereal

**Author's Note:**

> also the title is an easter egg for those of u who can figure it out. inb4 everyone messages me the alternate definition of anamnesis


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